Wednesday, 17 September 2008

You think this "A" on my forehead stands for France?

David Icke must be a blast to have as a dinner guest.

Now let's clear something up. Your government lies to you. Always has. Always will. Your government is always going to tell you that they are trying to help out poor people more while instead making tax breaks easier for the super rich. They'll tell you that they believe in child healthcare, while allowing television stations to sell advertising space to fast food joints at peak times. They'll tell you they believe in affordable housing while tearing down flats to build penthouses. It's the way of the world.

What governments tend not to do however is cause the mass genocide of their own electorate. Probably because, and I'm no political expert, but I'm guessing that such an act would cause opinion polls to take a sharp downturn.

But having said all that, we recently observed the anniversary of the worst terrorist attack on American soil. And, as is always the case this time of year, the crackpots come out of the wood work to tell us all about inconsistencies in the police reports or the technical impossibility of a building falling down or whatever, trying to desperately prove that it was all the government's doing and the current administration is evil in its purest form.

And this is why David Icke would be a must have for a social gathering.

For those of you who are hearing the name David Icke for the first time strap yourselves in for the story of the life time. It begins as, most good things do, in a muddy field. Young David was a keen amateur sportsman, and during a soccer game for his school team he was spotted by a sports scout in his native Leicester and signed to a professional contract for Coventry City. David started out promisingly and it looked to all and sundry that he would have a long and impressive career. Six months later however his dreams came to an abrupt end, a case of severe arthritis putting an end to any chance David had of becoming a sporting legend.

So Davy was looking for a new job and found one at a local newspaper. With his sports background, camera friendly face, and natural eloquence, he soon carved a niche as a sports journalist for a local TV station. The BBC, always on the look out for talent, snapped up the young, pleasant looking Icke and positioned him as one of their main correspondents for sports broadcasts. Success after success followed as David became a known name in British households. David even joined the Green Party and became their official spokesperson. When you thought of Icke, you thought of respectability.

And then 1989 happened.

For some unfathomable reason 1989 rolled around and David had an urge to head to Peru. Now to most people Peru would be an interesting country to visit but not exactly a top holiday destination. But David decided he simply had to be there, so much so he hopped on to the next plane and flew to South America, where he spent his time driving around in a Land Rover for a couple of weeks. On one of these drives he heard a “mound of earth” calling to him, and of course when a pile of mud and grass starts beckoning to you there's only one course of action. David inevitably ran like hell pulled over and ascended said mound. And before you could say “mental breakdown” David was seeing visions and hearing voices telling him that he was meant for a higher purpose.

One year later Icke, in an attempt to quantify what happened in Peru, decided to seek the audience of a medium. And so he met with the one and only Betty Shine, who told him he had been chosen and that he was destined to heal the earth (Gee note: True story: a medium once told me I was going to have a son with a Nordic name. Now while I would love to call a child of mine Thor, I do realise naming him after a Pagan Thunder God would cause the poor kid to get to holy heck beaten out of him at school. Also it would mean I would have to find someone willing to have children with me. Having not received any replies from the various letters I sent to Jennifer Love Hewitt requesting help in this task I can only conclude that mediums talk rubbish.)

Immediately after this David started to wear all turquoise shell suits and proclaim himself the “Son of the Godhead”. In a shocking turn of events the Green party, upon hearing of this new fascinating aspect of David's personality, banned him from speaking on their behalf ever again while the BBC quietly removed him from their television schedule. Had it ended there then in six months time David would have probably found himself on a street corner, carrying a sign with the words “The end is nigh” emblazoned across it.

But fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your point of view, it didn't end there. Instead David decided to write a book on his experiences. In an effort to promote it he appeared on the hugely popular television chat show Wogan. It was there that David revealed publicly that he believed he was the second coming and that the earth was on the brink of destruction. If he expected the audience to agree with him he was sadly mistaken. Instead howls of laughter met almost every word he spoke, and the next day the paper's headlines all told of what a loony he had become.

David disappeared from public view, unable to walk down the street without Joe Public mocking him. In his solitude he realised that, erm, he probably wasn't the Son of God after all. Instead he turned his attention to trying to work out what was going on in the world around him. And in doing so came up with the granddaddy of all conspiracy theories. Since then Icke has been touring the world, holding talks, and writing books all based around said theory. So successful has he become in this regard that one event drew 1000 people in Vancouver, Canada.

So I hear you ask, what's this theory then? Well, without going in to too many specifics, it's basically the New World Order theory with some New Age bells and whistles. For those of you who think of the New World Order and see Hulk Hogan wearing a feather boa then, while I salute you, you may be surprised to find out that there's an apparently altogether much more sinister New World Order (Gee note: More sinister that Hulk Hogan and his Trapjaw daughter? Wow that must really be something.).

The New World Order is, according to the theory anyway, a secret world government that quietly manipulates the world for it's own end. Consisting of an elite group of bankers, royalty, and corporate heads, the N.W.O. is responsible for almost every single disaster and atrocity the world has ever seen. The IRA? Check. The Kennedy Assassination? Check. The Oklahoma bombing? Check. 9/11? You bet your buns. The holocaust?

Yep, that too.

The problem with the N.W.O. theory is that it's insanely anti Semitic. Almost every single player named in the theory is Jewish. It's even a favourite of those sensible chaps at the KKK and Combat 18. So, if David Icke is using this as the basis of his own hypothesis, does that make him a racist?

Well not quite, no. For a start the N.W.O are never mentioned. Instead he refers to the secret world power as The Illuminati. And the major players in his theory aren't Jewish people. They're actually not even people.

They are in fact 9 foot tall reptilian extra terrestrials that hail from the constellation Draco.

No really, Icke proposes that the world is being secretly controlled by a bunch of over grown iguanas. Didn't see that one coming did you? Oh and they can shape shift. Meaning they could be anybody.(Gee note: You know that work colleague you've been eyeing up for the past couple of months? How well do you really know them? I'm just saying, be careful, they could be a sexy great big lizard fish for all you know.)

Icke lists the British royal family, the Rothschilds, Hilary Clinton and of course George. W. Bush as being members of The Illuminati. Apparently these foul beasts are keeping the world in fear and it's people repressed for, er, well to be honest he doesn't know the reason why they do it. Does a power hungry lizard really need a reason to do anything though? I mean the whole scenario is so crazy that any attempt to rationalize it would simply cheapen things in my book.

And so David travels around the world, preaching this to all who will hear. And with a story like that who wouldn't want to listen? Yes, of course it's all nonsense. And yes Icke is crazier than a bag full of gerbils on nitrous oxide. But you have to admit Icke's entire story, from his fall from grace to his resurrection as a lunatic with a voice is fascinating.

And maybe because of that, in some very small way, David and the Son of God aren't that different after all.

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