Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Bananas are good.

State of mind is everything. For example yesterday I found out that David Tennant, the Doctor in world's longest running Sci-Fi show Doctor Who, is to step down from the role and to be replaced with 26 year old Matt Smith. My initial reaction was "who hell he?" followed by much discourse along the lines of "He looks too emo. He's too pretty. How can a 26 year old play the Doctor? Bah this is rubbish. I hate him. I'm never watching the show again."

But then that was yesterday. And yesterday was a bad day. Through a combination of tiredness due to having travelled the country in the most ludicrous train journey to get from point A to point B (Gee Note: You ever seen the movie "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"? Well yesterday that was me. Except, you know, without the laughs), and some other issues clogging up my over worked brain, I was grumpy and slightly melancholy. And so you could have told me that David Tennant was being replaced with, oh I don't know, that monkey out of "Every Which Way But Loose" (Gee Note: No not Clint Eastwood. The orang-utan Clyde. Tsk, you're just making up your own jokes now) and I would've still complained about the new Doctor being too pretty.

So I woke up this morning, stomped in to the kitchen, made a cup of coffee that I instantly forgot about and rediscovered two hours later stone cold, stomped back in to the living room where, exhausted by all the stomping, I collapsed in to the chair and turned on the breakfast news. At this point I should note that I love breakfast news. In America breakfast news is seen as a venerable institution, all gloss and shine. In Britain breakfast news still comes across as if it's run by a bunch of college kids. Regardless of which channel you choose to watch, there isn't a half hour that goes by before something gets screwed up. Whether it be an interview with no sound, or the weather person stumbling over the word "swooping", turning on the breakfast news every morning is like waking up next to Buster Keaton. I mean back in the day. Not now obviously. Waking up next to the decaying corpse of a former silent film star would just be weird.

Anyway this morning they showed an interview with Matt Smith talking about taking over as the new Doctor. And maybe it was because the lead anchor had introduced the segment as "Meet Matt Smith. The new Doctor Wha… Er… Who." which started me giggling like a child before the actor had even appeared on the screen. Or maybe it was because the glass of wine with dinner last night was still working it's way through my system. Whatever the reason, the interview started and something very strange happened. After approximately thirty seconds I was completely turned around on the idea.

See the thing is Matt Smith is quirky. And I don't mean quirky in the Jennifer Aniston kind of way (Gee Note: I've actually started using "Jennifer Aniston quirky" as short hand for "My husband left me years ago for some woman with big lips, and since then my career has floundered and the only way I can get any kind of publicity is by dating guys who obviously hold no interest for me other than using them to get my picture in the National Enquirer under headlines such as "Jen! New Love/Heartbreak!" which is not as good a being famous for making a good movie or anything but it's better than nothing I guess"). I mean in a weird speech pattern, random hand movements, intense eyes kind of way. He's also quite funny, and seems to be genuinely excited about the prospect of playing the Doctor. So yeah, he's pretty much won me over. And I'm now looking forward to the next series proper when it all kicks off in 2011.

Strangely enough all this has got me thinking about Bigfoot. On the excellent Cryptomundo blog a couple of months ago Loren Coleman posted an item about the discovery of a Sasquatch fingerprint in North Carolina. Now it needs to be remembered that Loren Coleman is good people, and that I have the utmost respect for him and his work. He represents everything that's good about Cryptozoology and should really be admired. He's intelligent and dedicated and one of, if not the, finest in his field.

But I have to admit, I rolled my eyes when reading the above mentioned post and immediately dismissed it as bunk.

Here's the story. There's a family in North Carolina that has some cats. One of the cats was a precocious little scamp that used to wander around the neighbourhood chasing squirrels and picking fights with dogs. Then one day the cat met a family of bigfoot (Gee Note: According to the interwebz the plural for bigfoot is actually bigfoot. Like sheep or fish. And not, as I thought previously, bigfeet. Thank you Yahoo answers, once again you have stopped me from making a tit of myself). This family unit consisted of a daddy bigfoot, a mummy bigfoot, a teenager bigfoot (Gee Note: Sadly it's never explained how they know that the third bigfoot is a teenager. My guess is it wears black T-shirts and listens to angry metal music) and a baby bigfoot.

The human family caught on to the fact that the cat was sneaking out to meet some sasquatches (Gee Note: Probably after finding some small bowling shoes and a jacket with "Team Furry" written on the back") and set up a feeding area for the bigfoot. They hid some recording equipment around the area hoping to catch the hominids on camera. Alas, despite the bigfoot enjoying the free food regularly, they'd only eat there when the camera equipment was turned off. As such the only video evidence is a brief glimpse of father bigfoot's arm and one of the younger bigfoot's hand.

There is, however, physical evidence. One day in May 2008 the alpha male bigfoot took an interest in human's pick up truck, and pressed his nose to the windscreen with his hands on the bonnet (Gee Note: "Wow, is that REAL leather interior? This I gotta see.") leaving a thumb print on the hood of the car. The humans called a local police officer, who took a print of the markings, a picture of which you can see here. The officer refused to date or sign the fingerprint because "He knew what we had" and didn't want his name to be associated with it.

OK. So. Where to start...

Well how about this? I think it's safe to say that if the above is true then bigfoot are vegetarians. Because if they weren't then one would assume that to a sasquatch a cat could make a tasty aperitif. I mean you don't get many stories of cats befriending wolves or bears for that very reason. Mind you don't get many stories of cats making friends with anyone who doesn't feed them, so either the bigfoot clan have a stack of “Kitty Chunks” cans lying about or this cat thinks it's a dog or something.

Then you have the recording equipment saga. The idea that the bigfoot could mystically detect that the cameras had stopped rolling isn't actually as silly as it sounds. Well not if you take in to account the idea that they may be able to hear on a different frequency to us. If they do then theoretically it's possible that a bigfoot could tell if the equipment was running or not by the sound it makes. OK it still sounds a bit silly, but it's a bit more plausible than “bigfoot's a wizard and he can sense if cameras are off or not by magic” which really is the only other explanation.

No what bothers me about the whole camera thing is this. Why the hell would bigfoot care if they were being filmed or not? I mean no other animal in the known universe cares about being caught on tape. It's not like gorillas spot David Attenbrough and his crew camping out in the jungles of the Congo and grab some balaclavas. So why would a bigfoot give a toss? Especially considering one all but did a cartwheel for the Patterson-Gimlin film.

And what about the fingerprint? Well again the obvious thing to say is that it looks an awful lot like a human thumbprint. But then primate fingerprints are an awful lot like human's in many respects. Heck a koala bears fingerprints are indistinguishable from a humans even under microscopic conditions. So I guess it is possible for Bigfoot's to be remarkably similar too. For me though the question remains about the police officer who supposedly took the print. Bare in mind that this was before the Bigfoot hoax fiasco in Georgia last year, and so the officers hesitation to put his name or date the print really doesn't make any sense. If it turns out to really be a sasquatch then this guy is going to be laughing all the way to the bank when the media finds out. If not then he's not doing anything untoward, just doing his job.

And that's the entire problem with this situation. There's too much of it that doesn't add up. And even if you can stretch your imagination to explain away certain aspects there's still too much that, for me, is left unanswered.

So despite being able to say that I can change my mind on a matter it apparently doesn't happen all that often. Especially not when it comes to stuff like this. Because sadly I still think the bigfoot fingerprint is bunk.

Unless of course Matt Smith was telling the story. Then I'd totally buy it. I don't know. I'm a sucker for weird speech patterns and crazy hand movements.

Damn I'm depressed. I really thought that the whole new Doctor thing would inspire me to look upon things in a new light. Instead I'm still as cynical as I've always been. It may be a new year but sadly it's the same old story. I need something to cheer me up.

Yeah that'll do it. I really need more sock puppets in my life.


Naveed said...

My wife was so pissed about the next Doctor not being David Tenant. I'm optimistic about it, seems like he'd be good at it.

Oh, and your "Jennifer Anderson Quirkiness" thing reminds me of what I call "Tom Cruise Moments" where someone just get's flip out happy or excited about something like Tom Cruise did on Oprah.

Raptor Lewis said...

My dad watches the new Doctor Who with David Tennant...when he can. I've watched a little of the Doctor myself and I think I liked Tennant a lot. He was perfect for the role. I don't know if my dad knows about the Smith replacing Tennant so I don't know how he'll react. BTW, I liked the episode where he goes to back to the formation of the Solar System. That was cool.