Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said... By the power of Greyskull!

Have you ever seen that Simpson's episode where Homer becomes a sensation in the modern art world? Basically Homer tries building a barbecue that goes horribly wrong and at some point, out of sheer frustration, he attacks the resultant rubble while exclaiming through clenched teeth, "Why. Must. Everything. Be. So. Hard!?!".

Which I completely empathise with. It's hard being as inept as Homer and I. Not a day goes by in fact where I don't screw something up. Sometimes these are epic, all inclusive, relationship that's going really well ends up falling apart because you've been an insensitive asshole kind of screw ups. More often than not though it’s a basic inability to do something simple like making a piece of toast without burning it three times in a row. For example, the other day I was on an important phone call when my cell phone battery died. I, of course, immediately rushed up stairs to find the phone charger, caught my foot on one of the steps, prompting my body to lurch forward and my forehead to bounce off the stair bannister with a thunderous bang. This kind of thing happens all the time.

Now maybe I've got used it over the years, but I've kind of learnt to accept that there's certain things in life I will never achieve because of my ineptitude. For example, I will never be graceful enough to perform a physical activity that would require any degree of skill of coordination (Gee Note: So if I ever meet you in a party and claim I'm an expert rock climber, I'm pretty much fibbing), nor will I ever be presentable enough to walk in to a room full of people and command their attention with a smile. Now I could definitely grab a room's attention by walking in and immediately destroying a priceless antique vase or something. But a smile? Not a chance.

So when looking for success in my life I've decided to take a minimalist view. Sure you failed to get that promotion that you've worked hard for all year, possibly because your boss over heard you calling him a "mentally incompetent buffoon" at the office Christmas party. But have you managed to set fire to your shoes today yet? No? Then consider this a good day.

It's that kind of thinking that gets me through life. Of course I still have ambitions, like making this blog a success, gathering enough money to buy a Caribbean island, convincing the woman of my dreams to marry me so I can hire a bunch of 1980's British Z list celebrities like the Krankies or Bob Carolgees to act as ushers or something (Gee Note: Oh c'mon now. How amazing would it be to arrive at a wedding only to be greeted by a cross dressing sixty year old Glaswegian midget and a fake dog that spits at you? The wedding photos alone would be priceless). But, you know, if I fail at all of the above then it won't be that bad. Well with the exception of the wedding. If I don't accomplish that before I shuffle off this mortal coil then I'll be very grumpy in the afterlife let me tell thee.

Sadly not everyone shares my view on life, and some find it impossible to cope by themselves. Constantly we hear stories of impressionable people getting dragged in to cults and the like. Your life sucks right? Well give up all your worldly possessions to us and we can promise you a much better time on our plantation. Not being able to rationalise all the bad things that come our way is predominantly the reason why folks like David Icke gain such a following. The pressures of everyday modern life are so great that it must be somebody's fault. If you’re a follower of Icke then it's 9 foot shape shifting reptilian aliens who are to blame.

The reason I bring all this up is that today I was looking up something or other and randomly clicked on a link that led to the website of a Dr. Fred Bell. (Gee Note: I really should learn not to click on random links. I once got in to all kinds of trouble by accidentally clicking on an adult dating website at the very moment that my girlfriend walked in to the room. Sadly the excuse that "I was trying to find out who did the voice of He-Man in the cartoon series!" really didn't hold sway. The resultant argument was so vicious that I swore on that day if I ever met John Erwin, the man who did actually voice He-Man in the cartoon series, I'd demand an apology. Or kick him in the nuts. One of the two.)

Dr. Bell is an interesting character. He claims to be related not only to Alexander Graham Bell and Ethan Allen (Gee Note: So an expert in guerrilla warfare and the man who stole the idea for the modern telephone and patented it for himself. That's a heck of a lineage there doctor) but also to Allen Bell who, according to the website, "brought the London Bridge over from England and put it in the middle of an Arizona desert. Later he built a city with a pond around it, today called Havasu City". Which I'm pretty sure is news to the family of Robert P. McCulloch the man responsible for, er, buying the bridge and building Havasu City.

Questionable ancestry aside, Frederick is quite a stellar chap himself if the biography of his website is to be believed. A prodigious scientific mind, he worked with the University of Michigan at the age of 14 on nuclear energy projects, during which time he built the world's first time machine, which allowed the subject to travel in to the future in increments of microseconds (Gee Note: I can accomplish the same thing by blinking. Where the hell is my doctorate?)

The biography carries on in much the same vain. Bell allegedly worked on the Philadelphia experiment amongst other things, before moving on to the army and later the air force. It was there that he was given access to top secret technology salvaged from UFO crash sites. This led to Bell becoming instrumental in developing projects for the military including Star Wars (Gee Note: The Regan era missile based government initiative that is and not the film. Not even George Lucas would be daft enough to hire someone who's blatantly insane. Mind the man did think that Jar Jar Binks was a good idea, so I guess any thing's possible). After that he joined NASA and was involved in designing landing systems for the Apollo missions as well as developing "early detection" radar system for possible extra terrestrial activity.

In fact the biography reads like a check list of conspiracy theories. Name any supposed government cover-up in the past, ooooh, fifty years and Bell was either there, or was involved in developing projects in the aftermath of those cover-ups. He's like the conspiracy nut's version of Charles Widmore (Gee Note: My Jim Robinson, how you've changed).

Then at some point Bell leaves his work to go and study under the Himalayan Masters (Gee Note: One thing worth noting is that the biography never gives any exact dates. Also it doesn't specify which Himalayan Master Bell studied under. Which cynical people might want to suggest is because that way no one can do a wee bit of research on the good Doctor and suggest he's making it all up. Not me though. Oh no. I reckon that our friend Dr. Bell just doesn't deem it as important. I mean who would be interested in finding out the exact date that UFO technology was used to advance Human civilization? No one, that's who). While there Bell claims he was contacted by a race of humanoid extra terrestrials known as Pleiadeans.

Now Pleiadeans are supposedly a highly evolved, benevolent species who "travel" to Earth to bestow wisdom and joy upon us. The reason I use quotation marks is because, according to the piece of new age fluff that is "Comes The Awakening" by Lia Shapiro, Pleiadeans don't actually travel by spaceships but instead connect to us by "conciousness". Now having never been contacted by conciousness personally I'm not entirely sure what this would entail. My guess is though that if you're having a dream and alien pops in to tell you about a mystic cosmic force that can change the world for the better then you might not want to take it too seriously. After all last night I dreamt that I went to the zoo to see some monkeys only to discover that one of them was Jennifer Love Hewitt in disguise. Now while I would love to believe that Jen has finally got around to getting in touch about our future relationship, I'm pretty sure she could find an easier way to do it. Like an email. Or a phone call even.

Anyway these Pleiadeans departed their knowledge to Fred, and Fred duly came up with THE NUCLEAR RECEPTOR. Which as far as I can tell is a necklace. Not just any necklace mind. According to the website's blurb:

This unique piece of pleiadean technology conditions your body to process negative energies, thereby expelling them.

In general the Nuclear Receptor is a consciousness repairing tool for the entire body structure. It detoxifies the body and produces consciously controlled transcendental feelings.

In a transcendental environment, the person involved has an inner feel for connecting to that person's higher power. The Amazing Pyradyne Nuclear Receptor re-educates, the body mind and spirit connection. For that reason the Nuclear Receptor is an amazing tool.

Now I've read that a good four or five times now and I still do not have a bloody clue as to what it actually means. Is re-educating the body's mind and spirit connection a good thing? Well if you believe the website Ken Norton thinks it is. Ken Norton is a hall of fame boxer that in 1973 shocked the world by beating Muhammed Ali. Norton was a 7-1 outsider, and despite heavy press speculation that Ali would win convincingly, Norton broke Ali's jaw during the fight and won on a split decision from the judges.

Now Bell's website suggests that Norton's remarkable turn around in fortunes was due to the Nuclear Receptor he wore around his neck. Except at no point does it mention that Norton owned such an item when he fought Ali. Ali would go on to avenge his loss against Norton six months later, which was then followed by Norton getting demolished in two rounds by George Foreman after that. Fact is Norton's victory over Ali and his membership in the boxing Hall of Fame is simply because he was a hell of a fighter, not because of alien wisdom. To say otherwise is to demean the man's accomplishments.

Regardless the nuclear thingy and other such wonderful tools with which to change your life are all available from Dr. Bell's website. Now considering the benevolence and wisdom of the Pleiadeans who bestowed this wondrous information upon Frederick, one would think all you would have to do is sign up and get one sent to you right? Well yeah you can, if you're willing to pay $17 a month for the privilege of course.

Now let's suppose that Pleiadeans do actually exist, woovy berserk conciousness connecting powers and all. Suppose that they have imparted knowledge that could make everyone on this planet, every man, woman and child, achieve their potential and reach a state of happiness usually reserved for lottery winners and mental patients. Would they honestly want some one to charge money for this info? Seems slightly counter productive to me. I mean if the overall ethos is to make the human race better, only making it available to those that can afford it is a contradiction in terms surely? It's either that or the Pleiadeans are actually more like Republicans at heart. (Gee Note: Zing! Oh I'm just waiting for that call from the Daily Show to grace them with my wondrous wit.)

Or Fred Bell is a charlatan.

And this is kind of the point. It's down to what you believe. Highly evolved extra terrestrials may or may not exist. I don't have a definitive answer in regards to that. But if you are thinking that your life is so bad that you have to pay some nut job a monthly fee so that you can re-align your negative ions or some such jazz, ask yourself this question.

Have you set fire to your shoes today?


Then do yourself a favour and save your money. You're doing just fine as you are.


Naveed said...

Ah yes the Pleiadeans...it's funny how they went from beamships to being being of consciousness or something like that. I wonder if they appear as shoulder people? That would be kinda cool...

Speaking of the Pleiadeans, I just stumbled across this video yesterday of some Scandinavian guy claiming to be a Pleiadean. http://tinyurl.com/9ewc5g
I think he'd be more at home in a metal band...lol

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Daryo Tabayani Siampa said...

What it's mean...