Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Paris Hilton vs Badger

Speaking of strange videos (Gee Note: Hi. After my last post was criticised for being too long I've decided to remove the usual introduction and instead jump straight to the "meat". If you're feeling let down by this turn of the events, then allow me to fill you in. In the introduction we talked about "celebrity" sex tapes and how best to avoid Paris Hilton if she came knocking at your door. It was funny stuff. I actually feel sorry for you guys. You'd have really enjoyed it) the excellent Naveed's Realm posted a video of a reported extra terrestrial wandering out of some bushes recently. Now it must be said that I've yet to watch the video, but allow me to take a wild guess at what happens.

Some mundane event, probably involving teenagers, is being filmed when the camera operator notices something moving off in the distance. They zoom in but due to the objects rapid movement the camera can't quite get a decent picture of whatever it is. The figure moves in a straight line, either up and down or left to right, before the video abruptly ends with people screaming.

Well now, let's see how we did shall we?

Hmmm, not far off. I must be a psychic or something. Maybe I should go on stage. You know, tour around the country. "Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome the amazing Bizzarro and his fabulously exciting mind powers!" they'll say. Then there will be applause and flowers thrown on stage, and I'll be all like "Thank you, thank you". Then after the show I'll head off in my limousine while the paparazzi bang their fists against the window trying to get a good snap. No pictures please, I'll say. I'm a very private person.

Thing is, as Naveed expertly points out, videos like this are ten a penny. And they all follow the same basic formula. Boy meets Girl. Boys likes Girl. Boy loses Girl. Boy's videotaping himself eating a burger in a fast food outlet or something when Bigfoot walks past. Boy shows this to Girl to impress her. Girl says "Oh I'm sorry. I've started dating Brad. You know, the starting quarterback for the football team? He's really nice". Boy goes "what, you thought I was showing you this to try and get you to go out with me? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You're funny. Say is that the time? I gotta go". Boy then locks himself in his bedroom and cries. (Gee Note: Not that anything like that has ever happened to me you understand. Oh good heavens no. To be honest I never got anywhere near the fourth stage. My story was more along the lines of Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl tells Boy in no uncertain terms to stop following her everywhere. Boy thinks she might be joking until a restraining order is issued. Sigh).

So is this a hoax or not? Well I'm going to go out on a limb here and say yes. Yes it is. In fact you'd have to be insane to think otherwise. Notice the way the "alien" doesn't deviate from it's path despite the fact that there's a chap wearing a radiation suit standing right in front of him. Now if I was an alien and I was going about my merry way only to find some folks filming themselves standing next to some shrubs for no apparent reason, then one of two things would happen. I'd either lose my little green mind and freak out, running around in circles and knocking anything over that wasn't nailed down in the process. Or I'd politely excuse myself for ruining the camera shot by walking past in the background and offer my profuse apologies, before explaining that I was Flang from the planet Dukos III and that I had been sent to Earth to learn more about the strange and wonderful "sandwiches" which have caused quite the debate at the Dukonian High Council.

See that's the thing about close encounters of the third kind. A real one is always going to be intense, whether it be an alien bringing a message of peace, or more likely an alien acting like a scared and confused wild animal. What it's not going to do is walk on by in the background with the placidity of an extra in a Wycleff Jean music video (Gee Note: Seriously I tried to think of somebody more "current" than Wycleff Jean while writing that. Turns out I couldn't think of anyone. But hey Wycleff's still cool right? Right?). If nothing else that alone shows this video to be a big pile of fake. Fakey fakey fake fake.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to find a homeless badger and brainwash it using pictures cut out of The National Enquirer.

Man, you really would have loved that intro.


Naveed said...

Paris Hilton vs Badger...well if that were indeed real...all my money would be on the badger...

As for the alien in that money is on the badger friggin way is that walking stick gonna take out a badger...

Rob said...

So, are you going to release an I Saw Elvis Director's Cut with the missing intro added back in, and charge forty quid for it? Go on!

Oh, and definitely Paris Hilton 0 - 1 Badger