Tuesday, 31 March 2009

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

Dammit!

So with my last post I thought I was being all witty and clever when it turns out that... no... not so much. I'd linked a report of some woman meeting a Scandinavian chap who claimed to be an alien in the late 1980's to our good friend Ultimate Thor (Gee Note: And I was feeling all kinds of smug in doing so), only to find out that Naveed had done the exact same thing a whole three days earlier. Tsk, I don't know, your laptop gives up the ghost and you’re reduced to unwittingly stealing other people's material.

On the "double dammit" front, I still haven't come up with a way to review the Iffyton T-shirt. Which is weird as it should be relatively easy. For a start I really like their website, finding it fresh and innovative if slightly confusing initially. Also despite the limited range of the t-shirts compared to, say, Red Molotov for example, the majority are well designed and would be something I'd quite happily be seen in while gadding around town (Gee Note: It should also be noted that at the beginning of the year a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in, oh gosh, ages told me I had the worst dress sense of anyone they knew. I claimed this was due to having lost 70lbs recently and not having any clothes that fit me, skilfully side stepping the fact that the rags I was wearing at the time were ones that I also wore quite happily during my "Staypuft" phase).

Delivery was amazingly quick as well, literally the day after. Having been used to ordering a lot of stuff from play.com (Gee Note: Because I enjoy watching DVDs and I also enjoy spending as little money as possible) and therefore being accustomed to my order leaving a warehouse in mainland England and going on a magical journey via the Philippines and the Horsehead Nebula before arriving at my door, next day delivery for no extra charge is, well, astonishing.

And trust me, I am thoroughly chuffed with the shirt itself. Even my possibly misplaced optimism in ordering a size XL (Gee Note: Even though I'm 6'5'' and tip the scales at a smart 217 lbs I still have problems bringing myself to click on the XXL option. I don't know, I have visions of a bored receptionist chewing absent mindedly on some gum while calling out "Another fatty wants a shirt!" in a thick Brooklyn-ese accent. For some reason that single mental image is enough for me to move my mouse up one category) has turned out alright as the shirt fits nicely enough. In fact considering I ordered this one:



Which is A) a cool image and B) rather apt I thought, it can be considered a rip roaring success and I have no problems giving Iffyton a hearty thumbs up.

So with all that in mind writing this review should be easy. But, for reasons I can't quite understand, I'm struggling to get it down. I think I need some help.

Which got me thinking again about Ultimate Thor. In one of his more recent blog posts UT, or Maggador IX-777 to give him his "chosen" name, teaches us a way in which we can shoot lightening bolts from a hammer contact our spirit guide. See Maggador is a bit odd in this respect. He appears to believe in both angels and devils as well as claiming to be possessed by the spirit of an alien. Which, you know, is kind of a contradiction in terms. I mean if you believe in God, then aliens can't possibly exist, right? Otherwise the question of how life would have evolved on another planet might cause a sticky problem for creationists.

Regardless I can't help but think that a spirit guide is just the ticket I need right now. And so after much deliberation I decided to follow Maggador's advice. First he suggests one performs an "Invocation of God and Cleansing of your House" and a "License to Depart" before performing the ritual to contact your spirit guide. These are supposed to chase away all negative spirits from your surrounding area. Being pushed for time however I decided to skip this step and replace it with me lightly dousing some holy water around the living room while shouting "Alright ya wee little buggers. Out you get. Go on. Beat it. I've got someone coming round".

Confident that this had done the trick I moved on to the next step. Maggador advises that you'll need complete silence to be able to contact your spirit guide, possibly by using ear plugs. Well, having been recently banned from using any type of drilling or sawing machinery in the household after an attempt to put up a picture resulted in me flooding the kitchen, ear plugs are not to be found in Casa Del Davies (Gee Note: Neither are drills, saws, or electric screwdrivers. Manual screwdrivers are still allowed, but I have to be supervised should I wish to take anything apart. Which is fine by me. Means more sitting down time). And so with nothing to stuff in to my ears and being way too lazy to take a stroll down to the stores to buy said ear stuffing material, muting "Monster Truck Carnage 3000" on the television set will have to do.

Following this you need to relax yourself. Now depending on your own personal preferences, this can be achieved in many different ways. Maggador suggests you take deep breaths and hold them for as long as you can. Me, I suggest drinking a couple of glasses of wine and singing sea shanties at the top of your voice. You know, whatever works for you. It's important that whatever you do you become completely at peace with yourself, as next up is the difficult part.

Again according to Maggador you need to clear your mind of all thoughts. Now if you're anything like I am this is almost nigh on impossible, as I constantly find my mind wandering in random directions. Thoughts such as "How did Joss Whedon manage to screw up Alien Resurrection so badly?" and "Ooooh, you know what you haven't done in ages? Made pancakes. Yeah I know, you love pancakes. You should make some. Now" are pretty much always popping in to my head. For example here is a list of stuff that went through my mind whilst trying to sit in silent contemplation.

"Monster Trucks are cool."

"My that Eliza Dushku is a fine looking woman."

"Penguins are funny."

"Ham"

"I wonder if Eliza Dushku likes red heads?”

“Does Ben Linus ever take a day off? You know, to chill out and relax? Maybe wear some short shorts and grab a beer. “Nah I can’t move it now Jacob. I’m chillin’ man. Catch me tomorrow”.”

“Dude, my hands are huge”

“Mr T. Pities the fool with big hands”

And that was all in thirty seconds. Seriously my mind has a hard time switching off. But by some miracle I managed to keep my mind clear for a couple of minutes, especially after I had moved this weeks copy of the Jennifer Anniston weekly National Enquirer out of eye line. Phew, on to stage 4.

At this point Maggador suggests that you say out loud “Is someone there?" or "Dear Spirit Guide of mine, I love you, are you there?" (Gee Note: I went for the former. I make it a point not to mention the “L” word until at least the third date. I ‘aint easy, no siree. I need to be wooed. I mean at least with dinner and a show. I’m kind of an old fashioned girl with a modern, sassy attitude. Someone should write a book about me). So I did. I also added “Bro, how the f*** am I going to write a review of a t-shirt?”.

Now the answer can come in many forms apparently. It can simply arrive in your brain like some kind of sudden knowledge. Or your spirit guide may appear to you in a vision. Or maybe your eyes will be drawn to something inexplicably that will give you the answer you seek. Or maybe... nothing will happen.

Because I waited and waited and waited and got, well, I got nothing. Not a sausage. No visions. No sudden knowledge. No coincidentally noticing something that had been staring me right in the face the entire time. Nothing. If I do have a spirit guide it turns out he’s a mute. Just my luck.

Mind it wasn't a complete waste of time, as upon looking back at the earlier part of this post it turns out that my waffling about why writing a review should be easy is, er, kind of like an actual review. (Gee Note: Ah success by accident. It’s like the ending to The Phantom Menace all over again. Me. Anakin Skywalker. Peas in a pod baby).

Weird thing happened though. I ran in to a friend of mine later on in the day and, I swear to God, the first thing they said to me was.

“Hey. I want to give you some free t-shirts.”

Turns out they had decided to start up a clothing company and wanted to throw a couple of designs my way so that “People will look at you and go “Hey man, that’s a nice t-shirt. Where did ya get it?”. And then you could tell them. Cheap advertising man”. (Gee Note: Obviously this poor soul is under the mistaken impression that I hang out in groovy bars and clubs as opposed to, say, my sofa).

Now this could all be a massive coincidence or it could be my spirit guide getting in touch. I have no idea. What I do know is that if it is my spirit guide then his message regarding t-shirt reviews is pretty clear.

“Dude. You need more practice.”

2 comments:

Naveed said...

Wow...dude, if that was your spirit guide giving you a message...you so totally got owned. On the plus side, I'm sure you've made Ultimate Thor proud and also are going to be getting more free shirts, which free is always a plus.

Maggador IX-777 said...

Amusing post you had about me there, I like it. Quite funny.

May your Inner Guide find its way to you.

Blessings,
Maggador IX-777 (Ultimate Thor ? Funny one too.)