Monday, 20 July 2009

Do you know what I hate most about this place? There is nothing to pick up and throw.

Oh for the love of Betsy.

Really? Is that where we are with all this now? I mean c'mon. The face on the car looks more like Corey Feldman than it does MJ (Gee Note: By the way, I know Corey isn't exactly the sanest of chaps out there, but who goes to Michael Jackson's funeral dressed as Michael Jackson? It would be like going to a child's costume party dressed as Gary Glitter. I.E. Inappropriate. Now it would be a different thing if EVERYONE else was wearing a Michael Jackson costume as well. That would be pretty cool. Actually, thinking about it, it's the way I'd want to go. Tens Hundreds Thousands of people all paying their respects wearing long ginger wigs and big fake beards. That would be mint. The only way it would be better is if all those Gee impersonators were joined by a bus load of heart broken bikini models. "Oh Gareth Davies!" they'll wail, "Where will we ever find such a charming and wonderful man as you?". Where indeed ladies. Where indeed).

The above video report was brought to you by the online version of the British newspaper The Daily Tory Telegraph. About a day before the same website had managed to irritate me beyond belief by posting a headline "The Beatles: kidnapped by aliens?". You see this week I've been struggling with inspiration for this blog. I don't know why. I just haven't been in the zone I guess. Normally I'll either think about or stumble across something that fascinates me and, after a wee bit of research, spend the next four hours mashing a keyboard hoping something constructive comes out of it. This week however, despite a million different things potentially worth blogging about landing in my inbox, nothing has really grabbed my attention. I've been running dry, like Whoopi Goldberg in a convent (Gee Note: Also I watched Sister Act 2: Back in The Habit for the 500th time the other day. I still have absolutely no idea what's going on in that movie. Why does Lauryn Hill's mother forbid her from joining the school choir despite the fact it will automatically get her a good grade? Why is there a monk obsessed with a frozen German sausage? Why do all the other monks think nothing of it rather than, you know, quietly suggesting that the sausage obsessed monk should seek counselling? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense).

That was until I saw that headline. Now I've got to admit I'm a bit of a Beatles fan. It's my father's influence I guess. When going on family vacations my dad would have a stack of cassette tapes to keep him awake while he was driving all the way from our house in Swansea to somewhere in central Europe. And so the excitement of going holiday, the wonder of seeing foreign and exotic lands, will forever be accompanied with a soundtrack consisting of The Beatles, Queen, The Kinks, and Rod Stewart to name but a few. At least in my mind it is. For me nothing says "holiday" like "Good Day Sunshine", "Paperback Writer" or "Ticket to Ride".

So Beatles? Aliens? Kidnapped??? What's not to love? This is either going to be the greatest the story ever, or at least worth a few chuckles at some conspiracy nut's latest theory involving the fab four.

Sadly it's neither of those. Instead it's a blog entry written by the Telegraph's resident music critic Neil McCormick. McCormick had recently been invited to the legendary Abbey Road recording studios to watch a demonstration of the new Beatles themed Rock Band video game. McCormick apparently found the whole thing underwhelming, thinking that people having fun by pretending to be John, Paul, George and Ringo is a bit silly. Well that was the gist of it anyway. I don't know. To be honest as soon as I realised the piece had nothing to do with little green men abducting and experimenting on Richard Starkey I lost interest, and resumed banging my head against the desk hoping for something, anything, to present itself and pique my interest.

Thank the maker for the Freemason's.

On July 16th the BBC reported that a group of Masons had been arrested in Fiji. Now before we start, allow me to state that I know nothing about Freemasons. Nor in fact do I care all that much to find out. Freemasons have always struck me as a grown up version of those fraternities you get in American colleges. You know, the type of groups that initiate members by blindfolding them, stripping them naked, and firing a BB gun at their genitals from point blank range (Gee Note: To be honest with you I have no idea how accurate that statement is. For all I know fraternities could be wonderful places filled with cakes and pillows. However I've watched enough American crime dramas to know that if a college student dies under mysterious circumstances then it was one or more members of the fraternity that did it. Usually the guy with really rich father. The one who pays the smart student to do his work for him. And then one day the smart kid goes "Woah. This is kinda shady. I'm not doing it anymore". And so the rich kid decides to convince some of his frat brothers to pull a prank on the smart kid, usually involving something insanely dangerous like a chainsaw. And before you know it, oh gosh, the smart kid's gone and snuffed it and Patrick Jane is on the scene asking smart ass questions and smiling a lot).

Despite the fact that Freemasonry smacks of a boy's own club for men who can't make friends any other way, Freemason's are positively loved by our society's guardians of common sense - the conspiracy theorist. Here are just some of the many conspiracy theories allegedly involving those wacky Masons. (Gee Note: Why not do a little drum roll before reading each one? I Saw Elvis In The Woods. Leading the way in interactivity.)

1. Freemasons are either controlled by or are part of The Illuminati. Which are 9ft tall shape shifting alien lizardmen intent on controlling the Earth. If you believe David Icke. Why they would want to do that is anyone's guess. I mean it seems like awful hard work. If I was a shape shifting alien I'd simply turn myself in to Adam West, throw on a cape, and spend the day running around Beverly Hills looking for crime to fight all day long. I mean sure being the all powerful overlord of Earth is fun an' all. It's just being Batman is better.

2. Freemasons are a Jewish front for world domination. The Jews, which are 9ft tall shape shifting alien lizardmen intent on con… oh wait. Sorry. That not's right. Jews are, well, they aren't Christians. Which apparently makes them inherently evil somehow. I don't know. Jenny's Jewish. And she once made me a chocolate brownie. Which was very tasty. So either they aren't evil. Or they are but can also make tasty treats. Which would then automatically make them less evil. I'm all kinds of confused by this.

3. Freemasons killed JFK. Because he wasn't Jewish. Nor was he a 9ft tall shape shifting alien. I think. I mean I never knew the guy personally or anything.

4. Freemasons faked the lunar landings. Just to screw with us.

And so on and so on. Getting back to the arrests in Fiji, one of the most commonly held theories about Freemasons is that they practice occult rituals. You know, worshiping the Devil, sacrificing goats, listening to Madonna records. That type of thing. It's an accusation flatly denied by Masons. Satan lovers? Witchcraft? Sorcery? Dark arts? No way. Not us Jack.

According to the report on the Beeb 14 men including eight Australians and one New Zealander were arrested after complaints by locals that they were practicing “witchcraft”. They were detained overnight where they spent a “wretched” time in jail. They claimed that nothing untoward was going on during their meeting, and blamed the commotion on “dopey village people”.

Which is all understandable. Except according to the reports during the raid the police seized compasses, wands, and a skull.

Wands. And a skull.

Now I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen a skull close up since I was in biology class in school. In fact unless you are a physician of some sort, I’m struggling to think of any single reason as to why you would own one. Let alone bring it along to a meeting (Gee Note: Although it would certainly liven up a quiet drink in the pub. “Hey guys! Look what I’ve got!”. “Jesus!!! Dude! Put that away! Not cool man. Not cool.”). And unless you’re planning to enrol in Hogwarts I would think wands would be surplus to requirements as well. So what the hell were you doing with them in the first place if not at least pretending to practice some sort of “sorcery”.

You see, either you’re conducting a set serious rituals or your not. And if you are then, you know, using a skull and wands might be misconstrued as some sort of witchcraft by even the most sensible of folk. If your not then all you’re doing is taking part in a dress up game. And if that’s the case out of then the two parties involved, the villagers and the Masons, it’s not the former who are “dopey”.

But hey, here’s one glimmer of light for all you Freemasons out there. Despite how embarrassing this episode has been, it’s at least given me something to blog about.


Anonymous said...

I am not sure why but I enjoyed reading this post. You see I am a Freemason and although you stated that you have no interest in learning anything about us, I thought since you chose to write about it I should at least clarify a few points you made.
1. We've heard all the theories as to how we're taking over the world and such. Well I am not sure how that could possibly true since we can't seem to be able to decide whether to serve chicken salad or tuna fish sandwiches before meetings
2. The Illuminati died out with it's creator before the end of the 19th century.
3. The rest of the theories are not even worth of a response, maybe a good belly laugh though.
4. The Freemasons that were arrested in Fiji, where there have been Masonic Lodges for some 150 years, were not practicing any kind of sorcery. The "wands" described are the equivalent to a staff or stave here in the US. They are carried by a few officers of the lodge for ceremonial reasons. The skull is used to teach a moral lesson during one of the degrees.
No I would be suspicious if the police had discovered all this and the latest Harry Potter DVD, then you might have something there.
Seriously, villagers crying sorcery, I can envision a gaggle of poorly clothed people carrying pitchforks and other farm implements and touches marching across a field determined to 'get the evil'. Please spare me, sounds like a B horror movie if you ask me. I do hope these dopey village people don't break into YMCA while they are throwing the rope over the tree branch during their festivities. No wonder tourism is way off in Fiji. I would be afraid that if I took a picture of one of the natives I would be boiled and eaten in some weird attempt to get the subjects soul back. I realize that they may not have come to the 21st century yet, but I did not expect to find that they have not yet come into the 18th century.
- A NY Freemason

frosty said...

That is a terrifying ghostly image of MJ,i know how the poor owner must feel as my Morris Minor has been haunted by Otis Redding for many years!