Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Still I have lived so many lives. It's time to find another one.

Torchwood discovering some form has capped off a pretty strange week. For a start one of our guinea pigs is pregnant. Which came as something of a shock I can tell you. Especially since we've been calling the lady in question "Bob" for the past three months. So it means that either the guy in the pet store lied to us or "Bob" has swallowed a football. Which ever way it goes, it appears I'll be busy finding new homes for some wee little rodents in the next fortnight or so. Or buying myself a new football. You know, one of the two.

Secondly Britney Spears is back in the news again, specifically in an article published in "NOW!" magazine. For those not familiar with the wonder that is "NOW!", it's one of those tremendously trashy celebrity obsessed rags featuring stories such as "Miley Cyrus buys some new shoes". Anyway this weeks issue featured the epic headline "Britney Goes Crazy AGAIN!!!!" (Gee Note: How great is that? The only way it could be any better was if it read "Britney - Top Shrink Says "She's F***ing Bonkers Man!”). Now according to more reputable sources Britney has spent the past two years or so gradually reclaiming her grasp on reality after shaving all her hair off and speaking in a British accent. So what could have sent her on this dreadful downward spiral?

Well nothing really. It's just that according to a former bodyguard it turns out that Britney thinks that Unicorns are real and that they live in a Zoo "somewhere in New Zealand". And that's it. I mean OK, believing in Unicorns is a bit daft and all but it doesn't make you crazy. Covering yourself in human excrement, standing on a street corner, and shouting "BEWARE THE LUMINOUS FRIDGE!!!!!" at anyone who walks past. Now that's crazy. And I'm sure it's been, oh gosh, ages since Ms. Spears has done something like that.

Secondly it turns out I spoke too soon about LaToyah Jackson. You may remember in a earlier blog post I wrote about how frustrating it must be for the media that LaToyah, the second most unbalanced of the Jackson children, wasn't saying anything even remotely bonkers to the press. Well dagnammit if she hasn't gone and made me look like a fool. The News Of The Screws World reported this Sunday that LaToyah had released… um…. this statement.

I believe Michael was murdered, I felt that from the start. Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people. He was surrounded by a bad circle. Michael was a very meek, quiet, loving person. People took advantage of that.

People fought to be close to him, people who weren’t always on his side.
Less than a month ago, I said I thought Michael was going to die before the London shows because he was surrounded by people who didn’t have his best interests at heart. Michael was worth more than a billion dollars. When anyone is worth that much money, there are always greedy people around them. I said to my family a month ago, he’s never going to make it to London. He was worth more dead than alive.

(Gee Note: Dammit LaToyah! We had a deal. Remember that? You wouldn't say anything completely mad an in return I would say how refreshing it was that you hadn't said anything completely mad. Tsk I don't know. We're going to have to start this thing all over again now.)

Anyway, getting back to Torchwood. At one point in my last post I happened to mention that Torchwood was one of Russell T Davies’s final swan songs as the man in charge of the Whoniverse.

And that’s exactly what it turned out to be. In fact, it was almost as if Russ went “Right then boys. I’ve screwed up the last four Doctor Who story arcs. Chibnall’s managed to screw up the entirety of Torchwood. Let’s see if we can’t put this right between us huh?”. And thinking about it, Russell must have been desperate for it to work. You see Doctor Who will survive long after Davies has left the series, and under the guidance of Stephen Moffett it will probably become far more critically acclaimed. Torchwood on the other hand is on the edge. High ratings yes - but really would anyone miss it if it was gone? And so with Torchwood Davies has the chance to not only show how talented he really is, but also help redeem the reputation of all involved in the project.

And after the five episodes mini series last week we can safely say it was mission accomplished.

The thing is this may very well be the end of Torchwood. It's certainly the end of Torchwood as we know it. And if it is then, by God, it’s one hell of a way to bow out. In five hours of televised broadcast there was enough emotional highs and lows to satisfy even the most hardened soul. Arguably it’s Davies’s best work. It certainly a thousand times better than his work for Doctor Who. If you’ve never seen Torchwood before, you may want to skip the first two series and head straight to this. Trust me, everything before it was just prologue. A badly written prologue.

Speaking of badly written prologues - the reason I called this meeting today was to discuss UFO's. In a relatively small story, those guardians of common sense at The Sun newspaper recently ran a piece about how Great Britain is having a bit of a boom period for UFO sightings this year, with a staggering 231 individual cases reported to the Ministry of Defence in the past six months (Gee Note: Why the hell anybody bothers reporting UFO's to the Ministry of Defence I have no idea. I mean really, if the evidence of the recently released "UFO Files" is anything to go by, the amount of investigation that those work shy bastards carry out is "So you saw a UFO huh? Did anyone die? No? Good, I think that's all the information we need. Thanks for your time"). This puts the UK well on course for a record number of reported UFO sightings in one year, the previous record being established all the way back in, er, 2008 with 285 sightings over the full 12 months.

But where has this sudden burst of sky high activity come from? Well numerous theories have been put forward. One suggests that our skies are getting busier thanks to increased alien activity in the lead up to 2012. Which, as any sane person will tell you, is when the World is due to come to an end. Or not. Whatever. Britain’s own Nick Pope, one of the foremost experts on this type of thing, disagrees. It's not that the skies are busier Jack. Oh no. UFO's have always been a plenty. Nowadays however, thanks to the fact that mobile phones and digital cameras are all the rage with the kids, people feel more confident in reporting them because they can back them up with grainy video footage. Hooray technology.

Now Nick Pope is certainly a smart chap. So he could very well be correct in his hypothesis, and that the soon to be introduced camera clothes could lead to an even bigger boom in extra terrestrial sightings (Gee Note: Does anyone else think that there are some scientists out there with way too much time and money on their hands? “Hmmm… you know we should develop clothes that take photos.” “You know Jim, you may be on to something. After that we can make shoes that can cook a rotisserie chicken.” “Trebles all around!”). But I have my own theory as to what’s caused this upsurge in sightings.

It’s hardly scientific, and I’ve done nothing in the way of research, but I reckon it’s all to do with the global economic crisis.

You see in times like these people need some form of escapism. It’s the reason why currently Sci-Fi televsion is being churned out by every major network across the land. Why comic book movies are the number one attraction at the cinema this summer. Why at this very moment I’m listening to some Japenese pop music while drinking wine out of a mug (Gee Note: Because that’s how I roll). So my guess is that some people might find it soothing to watch the skies at night. It is human nature after all that in times of crisis we try and hang on to hope in even the most bizarre ways. It’s possible that a lot of us are simply hoping that there’s another life form in this universe. And maybe, just maybe, those other life forms will be able to save us. Either that or their in a much worse state than we are. Both will probably let us feel a lot better about things if we’re honest.

Sadly despite all those sightings, aliens have yet to be proven to exist definitively. And so until then we’re left to find our own ways to escape.

Now if you’ll excuse me, a headline in “NOW!” has just caught my eye. “Jennifer Anniston Goes Back To Gerard Butler”? This I gotta read.


Naveed said...

You know, I'm infinitely disappointed by this economic crisis. Last time there was one, the escapist material was infinitely better. You had H.P. Lovecraft, Robert E. Howard, and numerous other pulp writers that were just marvelous. Now we just got movie remakes of 80s cartoons.

Rob said...

I think you're looking in the wrong place, Naveed. Science fiction/fantasy books are booming at the moment, despite all this advanced technology. Everyone sees 'recession' and goes back to hide in the pages of a novel.

Oh, and Gee, we should mount a countrywide effort to set as high a record of sightings this year as possible. Someone find the MOD phone number for this stuff, then I'll start sighting things.

Look there! It might have been a squirrel, but I don't know his name. It's unidentified! And there! Perhaps a bird, perhaps not...

The Prince of Centraxis said...

Unfortunately, LaToy proved she was anything but stupid when she said he was worth more dead than alive - just like Hendrix.
And Rob - if you didn't spend your life indoors looking at the screen you might actually see something out there. If not, at least see http://newilluminati.blog-city.com