Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Brilliant but lazy.

I've just made an appointment with my local doctor's surgery. I don't visit the doctor very often and as such there isn't a regular physician I see. So as I was making an appointment over the phone I was advised by the nice lady that I would be seeing Doctor Ock. "Excuse me?" I said. "You'll be seeing Doctor Ock" she repeated. Now I admit it was a very bad line and I may not have heard her correctly, but if I arrive to my appointment and get greeted by this:

Then I'm telling you, I'm getting the hell out of there as quick as I can.

Thanks to the British Governments latest batch of UFO file releases the alternative news scene has been dominated over the past day or so by flying saucer related stories. So you'd think that this blog would be all over it like Joe Jackson's fists on a talented child. But the thing is, we’re not. Partly because I actually haven't had time to read any of the reports yet, and partly because generally speaking Naveed usually beats me to the punch on things like this, and I end up looking like a drunk middle aged loner at a wedding party.

However you may remember in my last post I told you that I'd signed up for a free online tarot card reading via this website whilst very bored one evening. Well I'll be dammed if the medium in question, a woman named Tara, didn’t send me a reply. Here below for your viewing pleasure is said email, edited slightly due to the fact that it goes on forever.

Dear Gareth

Your problem seemed to me to be so important that I spent more than 13 hours performing an in-depth study of your case, so that I could help you more quickly.

I am aware of your most important wish: Love. (Gee Note: Whoops. When filling out the form to sign up for this I actually chose the option “money” instead of “love“. Because, well, there's a sale on Xbox games at our local Asda this week and I can't decide between Street Fighter and Call of Duty).

As surprising as this may seem, I have every reason to believe that it will come true sooner than you may think. I will tell you when and how this will happen.
I am also aware of the problem that concerns you most at the moment:

(Gee Note: Is this space supposed to be blank? Or do I really have no concerns what so ever? If it's the latter then wow. How liberating not to have a care in the world. In fact to celebrate my new lease of life, tomorrow I'm going to get on the bus wearing a chicken suit. That's how free spirits like me roll. We don't take life too seriously. In fact everyone out there should follow my example and wear a chicken suit to work tomorrow. Show the rest of the World just how care free we really are. Or... maybe Tara the medium might just want to learn how to properly cut and paste. You know. One of the two.)

You made an excellent decision asking me for help. (Gee Note: Well considering the rip roaring start we've had so far, you'll forgive me if I don't readily agree).

In fact, I see that in the coming weeks you should find a suitable solution for most of your problems. In just a moment I will reveal what I saw happening to you in detail.

(Gee Note: Edit - At this point Tara starts banging on about how she's including me in a book she plans to write and, if all goes according to plan, will send me a cheque for £300. I was thinking of replying noting the irony that I was going to include her in a blog I plan to write but then realised I wouldn't be sending her any money and so decided against it).


I can tell you that YOU ARE GOING TO ENTER A LUCKY ASTRAL PERIOD VERY SOON which should definitely be THE MOST IMPORTANT OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. (Gee Note: More important than my last lucky astral period? Wowee. Also WHY ARE YOU TYPING EVERYTHING IN CAPS. IT LOOKS WEIRD.)

I ALSO HAVE SOME OTHER NEWS FOR YOU THAT IS A LITTLE LESS POSITIVE. But you shouldn’t worry more than necessary about it. (Gee Note: I knew it! They butter you up with everything under the sun before delivering a bombshell. So what is it huh? Leprosy? It’s leprosy isn't it? Is it leprosy?)

Because even though something may happen that is not very good for you, I can still be there to help you. (Gee Note: If it's leprosy you'd better bring a bucket or something with you. Leave no toe behind).

Above all I want you to know that, as my way of thanking you for the confidence you have shown in me, I made a commitment in my soul and in my conscience to do everything I could to help you, until the moment that YOUR HAPPINESS IS TOTAL AND COMPLETE. (Gee Note: Um OK. I don't really know how to tell you this but I'm not really looking for a "commitment" at the moment. I mean sure we can have fun. Maybe go for dinner and a show. But really that's as far as I want to go. It's not that I'm not open to anything more down the line. It's just, you know, I've had my fill of women who are buckets o' crazy recently).

I have already done this for many people with problems as serious as yours, people who thought that nothing and no one could change their lives. (Gee Note: Wait. I have "serious" problems. I mean I was joking about the leprosy but now you've got me worried).

Now I should tell you about some information that concerns you, and is of great importance for you today:

Your date of birth is: 02 May

That makes you a Taurus. (Gee Note: It also makes me slightly uncomfortable in porcelain based retail outlets).

Your astral chart is strongly influenced by Venus. (Gee Note: Hur hur hur that rhymes with pe… nevermind).

Based on these factors, I will now transmit my initial conclusions to you:

General Introduction

Let’s start with the main traits that make up your psychological profile, the particularities of your character that I find completely exceptional when looked at as a whole (taken separately these traits might seem banal, but in your case their combined effect explains much of the meaning of your life):

Sense of beauty, love of life, simplicity, intelligence, grounded, ambitious, tenacious, loyal, energetic, optimistic... and I should also mention Lucky, since luck smiles down on you naturally, and could become totally amazing if you knew how to take advantage of it! (Gee Note: You left out "tremendous lover" and "the best arm wrestler in South Wales").

Love – Emotions

Here is some important advice that might help you: persevere in your intimacy, don’t let just anyone into your private life, never discuss your problems with anyone, and make sure the people around you leave you in peace as far as your affairs of the heart are concerned, since they concern only you. (Gee Note: So what your saying is that I should bottle up all my emotions so that they fester and cause me deep psychological issues. That sure is sound advice.)


If you have premonitory dreams – and you should! – 6 is your most auspicious number. It’s also lucky for travel and in financial speculation.

And 11, your number for happiness, can also be used to combat evil spells. (Gee Note: Is that with or instead of my +1 mace?)

Some final advice.

We are in the midst of a period of Great Change, and the opportunities are too good for us to let them go by, without lifting a finger. Your future looks fabulous in all areas of your life: money, emotions and various other activities. And you have the great privilege today of being at the forefront of those who are going to benefit from this new harvest.
With or without my help.


(Gee Note Edit - This "final advice" actually takes up about 3/4 of the email. Which, let's face it has already gone on for way too long. Here then are the collected highlights).

You have had some periods of luck and happiness on your journey. But SOMEONE OR SOMETHING HAS BEEN PREVENTING YOU FROM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT LUCK. It has passed you by each and every time. (Gee Note: You mean *GASP* I have a nemeses? I knew it. It's Madonna isn’t it? That piece of work has had it in for me ever since I used one of her CDs as a coaster).

Sometimes, because of a lack of self-confidence, you make decisions that eventually have serious consequences. You may be thinking that this is all your fault.

Well, that is not the case! (Gee Note: Hey do you think I could use that argument in a court of law? "No your honour, I realise that spray painting the words "Yo white swans rock!" on the Statue of Liberty isn't exactly legal but I was forced into it by Madonna. Yes THAT Madonna. You know "Like a viiiiiiirgin". Anyway she hates me, and is using her negative energy to influence me into making bad decisions. She's kind of like a real life version of Gorilla Grodd. Except hairier.)

It’s too bad we didn’t know each other sooner. I could have intervened and told you exactly what to do, and when. (Gee Note: We don't know each other now! I filled in a form. That's it. It's not like our eyes met over a crowded bar or something.)

I see you as an anxious person, a little vulnerable, who doesn’t always know how to defend yourself against life’s injustices. (Gee Note: That's why I carry a gun with me where ever I go. Nobody lies to a .45.)


Do you know that you have a force inside you - Unlimited Inner Power – that you totally ignore and make no use of at all? I saw it clearly on a number of occasions. (Gee Note: I'm not sure I do. Trust me I've tried using the Force before. Most notably when it's a Sunday and I'm feeling sleepy and the television remote is on the floor.)

I can see the future of someone accurately, 97% of the time. Few psychics can claim to do that. (Gee Note: Few bloggers can claim to bench press 400 lbs. But then, you know, I'm more about tone than power. "Hey ladies" I say, "I've got you tickets to the gun show." before I start flexing my arms in front of them. It's a pretty impressive sight let me tell you. In fact most people are so astounded that they simply walk away shaking their heads. And occasionally crying.).

I CAN TELL YOU THAT YOUR PROBLEM OF BAD LUCK WILL SOON COME TO AN END. (Gee Note: Why the f*** is this woman convinced I'm unlucky? I'm not. Why only 20 minutes ago I found a half eaten cookie down the side of the sofa. Does s*** like that happen to unlucky people? Does it?)

Do you know why MANY FAMOUS PEOPLE on television, in politics and in business ADMIT USING ASTRAL PREDICTIONS AND ASTROLOGY? (Gee Note: Because they’re crazy?)

Because according to them it is that, aside from their talent, which helps them avoid failure and enjoy more success. (Gee Note: No I’m gonna stick with my first answer on this one).

That’s also why some of them come to see me, and openly admit that I AM ONE OF THE SECRETS OF THEIR SUCCESS. I could name names, but out of respect for their private and professional lives I prefer that they remain confidential. (Gee Note: Dude if it was me I’d tell the world. Like “Hey everybody. See that Dan Aykroyd? He started listening to me and BOOM bitches, along came Ghostbusters. Then he became all big headed and stopped listening and now he sells vodka for a living. Ghostbusters to vodka. I’m just sayin’.)

A large study was conducted on thousands of people over…(Gee Note: And so it goes on. And on. And on. For another page and a half of extended nonsense while she desperately tries to pitch me her services. I mean the worse thing is it’s the same thing over again. “Let me help you avoid nasty stuff and be all happy and junk”. Actually had she said that in the first place I’d have probably signed up right there and then.)

In all friendship I remain,

Your devoted friend,

Visionary Medium


So the moral of the story is simply this. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, and even if you are really bored don’t sign up for a free online tarot card reading simply because you think it will be a laugh. Because, trust me, it won’t.

Anyway I gotta go and buy a lottery ticket. For some reason I’m feeling really good about the number 11.


Autumnforest said...

Buy Call of Duty and don't feel guilty--I used my Madonna CD to keep flies away--you hang shiny objects from your patio and they scare off. It certainly scared me off when it was played on the boombox. Yeah, Tara's a real piece of work. I like how they hook you in and get you addicted. It's why I will never use my skills for profit or advise anyone which way to go in decision making. Toss the tarot readings aside and start divulging all your inner thoughts to anyone who'll listen. I can promise you this, if you the opposite of what she said, you'll have huge success.

J. Thomas said...

I read tarot cards for free beer in college at parties. People are easier to hoodwink when they're drunk.

Besides, the "art of Tarot" is the "art of reading human beings and the signals of their emotional reactions and making logical assumptions thus based". Or, y'know...hoodwinking.

Ah, good times. Good times.

Now I totally want to sign up for it to see if I get the exact email word for word.

Naveed said...

You know if she runs around with this inner force talk, does that mean she has a midichlorian counter? You can't run around telling people they have a force without counting their midichlorians to back it up.

Midichlorians or not though, the e-mail reminded me of this guy from the X-files (although he didn't read tarot online for free):


rainyz said...

Super wowzers man!