Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Touch 'N Fresh

Preview


You know that advert bothers me on any number of levels. Largely because of the many unanswered questions it raises. For example, does the child actually leave when he flounces towards the door halfway through? If so does his mother follow him or let her obviously deranged offspring wander in to the road regardless?

Either way you'd think the mother would have the good sense to warn who ever was receiving the pleasant little gift of her defecating child on their doorstep. A phone call maybe? “Hi Paul? Yeah it’s me. Brenda. Oh um, yeah fine thanks. Listen Paul I’ve got, er, do you mind if I bring little Jimmy around to yours? No no, nothing serious. It’s just, well, Jimmy wants to do a poo at your house. Paul? Hello? Paul?”.

Also who the hell is Paul? Is he a relative? The boy’s school chum? The mother’s boyfriend (Gee Note: Although blatantly not for long if her son keeps banging on his front door demanding to release the beast in his bathroom)? The weird guy that lives on the end of the street who always carries sweets in his pocket? My point being, for all we know Paul could be a Dragon in disguise. No really he could. If you don’t believe me just ask Mike Rowley.

Rowley made headlines around the world in his homestead of Southwest Florida last month after local news station NBC-2 conducted an interview with the former Vietnam vet. Good ol’ Mike had recently retired from working life and had moved to a town called North Point in April with his 16 year old son Shane. During the interview Rowley was asked something along the lines of how he was settling in the area and the crazy bastard replied.

"The only bad part is the aliens around here."

(Gee Note: I hear ya. All those immigrants coming over here like they got a right to. Taking our jobs. Stealing our women… Huh? Oh. You mean the “other” type of alien? I knew that.)

And with that, off to the races we went.

It turns out that both Mike and Shane had seen aliens larking around in their back garden and the surrounding wood area. More often than not these sightings would coincide with (Gee Note: “Moonshine” Monday?) a full moon. The creatures were described as “greys”, and although Mike and Shane had yet to capture any extra terrestrial shenanigans on film, Rowley Snr claimed to have taken a plaster cast of the beasts foot print.




With all this going on it was obviously important to give the creature a name. After what I’m sure must have been a torturous process the names “Wacko Made Up Creature” and “Florida Alien Thing” where left behind in favour of the snappier “North Point Devil”. And really it’s amazing what a difference a cool sounding name makes. Because, despite the ludicrous story of extra terrestrials kicking around in the woods of Florida backed up by a plaster cast of some holes, bloggers and paranormal writers started to report the tale with earnest.

Rowley decided that with the amount of attention he was now receiving it was high time he cashed in on all this. And so he created a website where for a bargain $22 you could purchase your very own North Point Devil t-shirt. He also set up a Youtube channel where him and young Shane get to put their point across via a series of interviews. Like this one.



(Gee Note: I don’t know about you, but for a moment I had the horrific thought that Mr. Rowley was sitting there not wearing shorts.)

All this hullabaloo piqued the interest of the Southwest Florida wing of MUFON. MUFON, one of the largest and oldest UFO investigative organizations in the United States, contacted Rowley and offered to help him investigate this strange phenomenon. Rowley readily agreed.

Here‘s where it gets interesting. Only a couple of weeks in to the investigation and Rowley, unsatisfied with the lack of progress, sent the following email to MUFON hoping the gee them up a wee bit.

We think this is a dragon and that it is a neighbor that changes from dragon to human, Shane saw these creatures in the full moon...our neighbor Paul ws always atour cornor in the dark during these times on his phone, he says he needs to get out of the house to have a cigarette away from his wife. Se would be there for hours. Shane ws seeing these creatures during the times he ws there. The cornor he stood atis 5o feet from Shane;s bedroom window. Our neighbor has not been at the cornor for a long time, now that the moon is full, he is there. He is trying to make frineds with Shane in his human form.

He engages in conversation with Shane when Shane comes out of the house. night before last teh moon was bright he ws there till midnight, I ws watering my lawn moving the sprinkler every 20 minutes. I would open the door quietly and hear no no one talking on his phone, then I would walk out non chalantly pick up the sprinkler and he would start talking. thsi happened several times, I would quietly ome out the house ( he cant see me because of the garage is in the way) wait behing the gaarage and listen for him on his phone, and hear nothing, as soon as I emerged from behind the garage he would start talking.

8x ...coincidence. there is something here. Something with a huge tail. We have read about dragons, since we found out it had a tail (( did you hear about that yet?) dragons do change from human to dragon and they have elves and other mythological creatures as slaves and do have human friends if these human friends can keep it secret. So far we dont want to be friends or keep a secret. An infra red camera on that street cornor during the full moon will catch him changin into dragon...We have something here. this is for real.......Things are giong real slow on the investegation, the 8 mm of the eyes in the dark have not been ditigatalized and enhanced yet, we hae not had our lie detector tests yet. We dont know what is going on...we jjust guess at stuff, like we think maybe they did enhance the film and see the dragon but dont tell us, so we dont spook and ruin things, we just dont know....Shane can be regressed, no one has contacted us for that.

We think something mught be going on atmufon we are ot being told about. Please tell me if you tink there could be dragons , elves, fairies. Please telll me anything I should know but hav not been told. the tree the creature ws in, is suposto be checked for claw marks, it has not been checked. Survalance cameras on our property were supposto be set up ...they have not been. Something seems amis.He is here at the full moon, it is Paul our neighbor. Please call or write , If there si mis trust of us...we would like our film and foot print back and find someone trusting. We neeed the truth as to why things are not progressing as we were told they would. He wants to take dragon form, it happen on the full moon, our cornor is the best place for him to do it and not be seen. He soes not come to the cornor except on the full moon. we need to do some good camera work now.

Sincerly,

Mike Rowley

MUFON are, generally speaking, a decent bunch of folks. And so despite the fact that this email is crazier than anyone who thinks that Taylor Swift’s video was actually better than Beyonce’s (Gee Note: I believe Kanye. I BELIEVE.), their designated investigator of the case, one Morgan Bell, sent a reply back which pretty much went “Uh OK. We don’t think your neighbour is a Dragon. But, you know, we can have a look for you if you like.”. To which Rowley replied.

I think my whole neighbor hood are dragons. One neighbor , not Paul has a dragon sticker on his truck. I have read a lot about dragons, they can be friendly IF you keep their secrets.

(Gee Note: Uh I think you’re confusing Dragons with Communists).

Alarm bells started to go off in MUFON head quarters, even more so when they reported that, well, they couldn’t find all that much going on in North Point. This seemingly enraged Rowley, who sent more emails with such inspiring words as:

You grew up with no father, your mom screamed at you all the time and you argued constantly with her until you left home. You have had a hard time telling the truth because you are afraid of the pain you might feel. Arguments become big and fearsome in your life with those close to you.

And:

YOU ARE TROUBLE...I CANT HANDLE TROUBLE i WAS IN INTENSE COMBAT IN VIETNAM...YOU BRING BACK THESE FEELINGS IN ME BECAUSE YOU FIGHT...INSTEAD OF TELL THE TRUTH. I WILL E MAIL THIS TO ALL THE BIG BOYS IN THEUFO COMMUNITY IF YOU PULL ANOTHER STUNT. WE HAVE BEEN THEREATENED WHEN WE ARE HONEST BECAUSE OF YOUR IIES.

(Gee Note: Not the big boys of the UFO community! Those guys are dangerous man. With their… um… you know… stuff. OK I admit it. I don’t really understand this threat. It’s like that time when someone told me they played the guitar. “Really?” said I “Are you any good?”. “Dude,” he said “If you heard me play guitar you would shit yourself.”. I still have no idea what that means).

Not surprisingly MOFO MUFON decided to quietly distance themselves from this whack job. And, when the details of their final report started to do the rounds online, every blogger and paranormal writer who had treated the story with something approaching reverence suddenly started to shout out words like “HOAX” and “CRAZY”.

Soon after the $22 t-shirts of the North Point Devil were taken offline (Gee Note: Damn. I was going to pitch a slogan to them as well. You know like “Milkmen do it on your doorstep.”? Well how about “North Point Devils maybe do it when there’s a full moon”. C’mon. That has money written all over it.). And Rowley started telling reporters that he was fed up of having his privacy invaded and had decided to put his house on sale.

And there by the grace of God goes the tale of the North Point Devil. Which turned out to be not so much a close encounter as a brief encounter with a shell shocked former soldier. And the moral of the story? Well maybe it’s time that news agencies stopped shining a spotlight on those in society who aren’t quite as stable as the rest of us. Outside of the ethically questionable practice of trying to pop a rating by going “Look how NUTS these people are!!!”, the aftermath of such things rarely ends well for anyone who gets involved. If this sorry saga tells us anything, it’s that.

That and don’t f*** with MUFON.

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