Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Two And A Half Minutes With The President

Charlie Sheen recently made headlines by challenging President Barack Obama to use his executive power and re-open the investigation in to the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Here's the transcript of that historic meeting in full, as reported by Sheen himself.*

CHARLIE SHEEN  Good afternoon Mr. President. Thank you for giving me 20 minutes of your precious time. I understand how busy you are.

PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA  YO! Cha-zizzle! You know I always got time for you. You are like my favourite actor of all time man. I loved you in The Mighty Ducks.

CS  Um… That… er… that wasn’t…

PBO  “Thank you very much, Mr. Ducksworth! Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack, Mr. Ducksworth!”. Ahahahahahahahaha. What a great movie. Say do you still play hockey?

CS  It… I… er… Mr. President I think you’ve got me confused with someone else.

PBO  Oh and I love that movie about The Queen of England. You know, the one where you play like her manservant or something. God that was awesome!

CS  Manservant? Are you talking about Prime Minister Tony Blair?

PBO  Yeah, that’s him. Thank God people like that don’t exist in real life huh?

CS  Sir, I wasn’t in that movie eith…

PBO  So what are you up to now man? Didn’t I read you got divorced or something?

CS  I didn’t come here to talk about my ex wife sir.

PBO  Hey is it true that the old lady kicked you out because she found out you’d paid a porn star to have sex with you?

CS  Mr President….

PBO  Oh my God! Look at your face! LOOK AT YOUR FACE!! You did didn’t you? You paid that porn star to get down and dirty with you! Ahahahahahahaha. That’s cold man. Stone cold. Give me five!

(The President holds up his hand in the air. I slap mine against his as he grins wildly a me. At this point one of Obama’s senior aides appears at his side and whispers something in to his ear).

PBO  Nah man, you’ll have to reschedule it for another time. I’m chillin’ with Lou Diamond Phillips right now.

CS  I’m not keeping you from anything important am I sir?

PBO  Oh hell no. Seeing you means I get to skip a meeting with some guys who wanted to propose a solution to “the crippling poverty many Americans currently face.”. Booooooorrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiing. You know how many meetings like that I have to go every day? Sometimes I actually blow off people by going “OH MY!!!!!! We have a NATIONAL EMERGENCY!!!! I’m soooooo sorry, but I have to rearrange our meeting for another time.”. And then I call my afternoon magician and spend the rest of the day laughing and clapping. That’s the best thing about this job. Magicians on speed dial.

(An odd moment of silence between us. Precious time ticking away.)

CS  President Obama…

PBO  Please Martin, call me Oakie.

CS  Oakie?

PBO  Yeah. It’s Kenyan. It means “He who looks a bit like a tree.”.

CS  Sir, why would you have a Kenyan nickname?

PBO  Oh… no reason. Say, you aren’t wearing a wire are you?

CS  No.

PBO  Ahahahahahahaha. No of course you aren’t. So Kiefer, I guess you didn’t schedule this just to listen to me yammer on and on. What can I do for you? Need a DUI arrest forgotten about or something?

CS  Mr… er… Oakie. The reason I am here is that in researching your position regarding the events of 9/11 and the subsequent investigation that followed, am I correct to understand that you fully support and endorse the findings of the commission report otherwise known as the ‘official story’?

PBO  Huh?

CS  Do you support the official story of what happened on September 11th 2001?

PBO  Oh yeah sure. I mean what’s to disagree with? We all saw the plane’s fly in to the Twin Towers and stuff. Unless of course those “planes” were, like, dragons in disguise or something. But I don’t think they were dragons in disguise. Because dragons don’t have opposable thumbs. So it’s pretty hard for them to construct a really good disguise. It’s what separates us from them. That and they’ve got wings and can breath fire. You wanna hear my dragon impression son?

CS  Um, sure Oakie.


CS  Yeah that is really goo… Wait! Mr. President I’m afraid we seem to be veering away from the point here.

PBO  And what point would that be Christian?

CS  Namely that the official story for the 9/11 terror attacks is, quite frankly, nonsense.

PBO  Hmmm. I see. And what do you base this on? It's not the "Dragon Theory" is it? Like I said, that one's full of holes.

CS  I have the evidence with me.

(I hand over three or four files I have brought with me. These are filled with loads of great information I put together all by myself. As I pass these to the President our fingers briefly touch and I feel a spark of electricity run through my body like I've been hit with a cattle prod).

PBO  Ah great. Files. I love reading. Ahahahahahahaha. Seriously though couldn't you just, like, break it down for me in to a series of bullet points?

CS  Well I'm glad you asked that sir, as it just so happens I've been memorising a list of twenty bullet points just in case.

PBO  Wow! Really? Why would you do that?

CS  I, er, I don't know. Admittedly it doesn't make a whole lot of sense considering I was giving you the files in the first place. And, you know, listening to these bullet points would require you standing there not saying anything for ten minutes. Which, considering you are the most powerful and influential person on the planet, is really unlikely. To be honest with you I have no idea what I was thinking. I must have been high at the time.

PBO  Good point. Still I guess we should give the whole bullet point thing a shot, considering that much like the evidence you've presented here, this meeting obviously has no grounding in reality.

CS  Thank you sir. Okay, first; On the FBI's most wanted list Osama Bin Laden is not charged with the crimes of 911. When I called the FBI to ask them why this was the case, they replied: "There's not enough evidence to link Bin Laden to the crime scene," I later discovered he had never even been indicted by the D.O.J.

CS  Number 2; FBI translator Sibel Edmonds, was dismissed and gagged by the D.O.J. after she revealed that the government had foreknowledge of plans to attack American cities using planes as bombs as early as April 2001. In July of '09, Mrs. Edmonds broke the Federal gag order and went public to reveal that Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda and the Taliban were all working for and with the C.I.A. up until the day of 9/11.

CS  Number 3; The following is a quote from Mayor Giuliani during an interview on 9/11 with Peter Jennings for ABC News. "I went down to the scene and we set up headquarters at 75 Barkley Street, which was right there with the Police Commissioner, the Fire Commissioner, the Head of Emergency Management, and we were operating out of there when we were told that the World Trade Centre was going to collapse. And it did collapse before we could actually get out of the building, so we were trapped in the building for 10, 15 minutes, and finally found an exit and got out, walked north, and took a lot of people with us."

WHO TOLD HIM THIS??? To this day, the answer to this question remains unanswered, completely ignored and emphatically DENIED by Mayor Giuliani on several public occasions.

PBO  Emilio, do you really think it's a good idea to raise your voice in the office of the President?

CS  Sorry sir. It's just that I get so gosh darned passionate about all this it makes my blood boil sometimes.

PBO  I empathise. I feel the exact same way about Cheerios.

CS  Uh... OK. Number 4; In April 2004, USA Today reported, "In the two years before the Sept. 11 attacks, the North American Aerospace Defense Command conducted...

(I notice the President tug his left ear lobe three times in quick succession. Immediately a senior aide is at his side and hands him a note. From where I stand I can see a large smiley face drawn on the paper in thick crayon).

PBO  Oh MY. We have a NATIONAL EMERGENCY!!!! I'm soooo sorry but we'll have to re-arrange this meeting for another time.

CS  But sir, I have another 16 of these points to go.

PBO  I know, I know. And I'd love to hear each and every one of them. Really I would. But, oh gosh, these national emergencies - well - you know how they are.

CS  Mr. President! One more second!

(The President starts towards the door - I follow him quickly step for step, but stub my toe on a table and have to hop the last few feet).

CS  Mr. President, I implore you based on the evidence you now possess, to use your Executive Power. Prove to us all Sir, that you do, in fact, care. Create a truly comprehensive and open Congressional investigation of 9/11 and its aftermath. The families deserve the truth, the American people and the rest of the free world deserve the truth. Mr. President -

(He pauses. We make out shake hands).

CS  Make sure you're on the right side of history.

(The President breaks the handshake).

PBO  I am on the right side of history. Thank you Judd, my staff and I will be in touch. Well I say "I". Really I don't make many phone calls myself. Tell the truth I don't even know how you get an outside line from the Oval Office. I saw Biden do it once. He was showing off trying to impress the Italian Prime Minister. That Biden. Such a riot.

(I watch as he strides gracefully out of the room, the truth I provided him held firmly by his side; in the hand resting on my thigh of providence.)

*not really.

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