Monday, 21 September 2009

You didn't mention you could read.

It's not often I shout the word "Hooray!" when I open my email inbox. Largely because most of the mail I receive is along the lines of "Hey fatso! Tired of being called "Moby" while working out? Well just by taking 1 of Dr. Spectacular's magic pills every day you'll be looking like Brad Pitt in no time". However, today I found a wee little gem nestled amongst the usual nonsense. It was a message from Tara.

Long time readers of this blog may remember Tara, the slightly bonkers medium who offers free online Tarot card readings. Having signed up for the service one night simply because there wasn't anything on the television schedule that piqued my interest, I posted the results here and thought that would be the end of it.

Well God bless Tara if she's nothing but persistent. Every other day since that fateful night she's been emailing me begging me to send her money trying to sell me her services as my personal psychic. Most of these have been along the lines of "Dude, you want to become wealthy, healthy and happy right? Well then send me some cash and you'll be rolling around with wads of cash and Russian super models before you can say "Alakazaam".

Today's message was extra special though. And so, for your enjoyment, I have reprinted it here.

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Gareth,

Despite the late hour, I am writing you THIS URGENT E-MAIL which really demands your close attention. (Gee Note: Despite the early hour I am reading THIS URGENT E-MAIL. Although I wouldn't say it demands my close attention. I mean it's an email about psychic predictions. It’s not like it's a message telling me to look down because my foot is on fire. Because if it was then I'd probably be saying something like "Well I'll be dammed. I've been wondering what that burning smell was". That and screaming of course).

A few minutes ago I finished a session of astral meditation about you. What I discovered is surprising, and could help you resolve your problems. (Gee Note: Aren't surprising discovery's the best? For example yesterday I opened the fridge to discover a packet of bacon I didn't even know we had. Which in turn led to the creation of the "Unexpected Bacon" dance, which was applied liberally around the kitchen until I stubbed my toe on the washing machine. Ah good time, good times).

What took place during this session is really a sign that YOUR FUTURE CAN CHANGE completely. I’m going to tell you all about the amazing details.

I know you now have a problem of bad luck that is poisoning your life each and every day. And I also know that things could quickly become much worse, if you don’t react right away. (Gee Note: Hey that rhymes! That Tara sure is a talented lady. Maybe she'd like to appear on my upcoming rap album "MC Gee and the Slightly Annoyed Four". It's being released on an independent record label because the music industry discriminates against white, middle class, British rappers. That's fo' shizzle. Can a brother get a witness yo?).

In other words, your stroke of BAD LUCK COULD CONTINUE and this dark period of your destiny will fade into time. I have to get you out of this terrible situation right away! (Gee Note: And there's only one way to do that. Grab your thistle whistle, give it a good hard blow, and get The Family Ness on the case. Man I love that show. I actually raved about it so much that I got the complete series as a Christmas present once. Also, it had a great theme tune. Ohhhhh Mctoot blows on his bagpipes. While Angus and Elspeth watch those notes go floating across the waaaaaves).

Now Gareth, I want you to take a match and do exactly the following (Gee Note: Burn them! Burn them all!): Light the match, and quickly repeat this prayer for spiritual protection 3 times:

"IN NOMINE CHRISTIS,
THANK YOU FOR PROTECTING ME NOW
AGAINST BAD LUCK AND HARMFUL ENERGY"

(Gee Note: OK for a start Christis is a Christian Magazine of the University of York in England. If however you mean CHRISTI instead, you would successfully pronounce “In the name of Christ” in Latin. Which suggests that if I was Jewish and trying to protect to myself from harmful energy then, well, I’d be boned.)

You may not realize it, Gareth, but this magic action is essential if things are to work out in your favour.

The ritual will create an astral shield around you that will last for 21 days, capable of PROTECTING YOU AGAINST THE HARMFUL EFFECTS OF ALL NEGATIVE INFLUENCES that are trying to intervene in your future and do you wrong. (Gee Note: OK. And after I’ve created the astral shield, how exactly do I get the lions to unite and become Voltron?)

I don’t want to scare you, but THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME LEFT FOR YOU. (Gee Note: Isn’t that a bit like saying “I don’t mean to be rude, but you’ve got a face like a warthog’s arse”?)

I keep feeling the need to intervene and PROTECT YOU AGAINST THIS NEGATIVE INFLUENCE.

I’ll tell you why Gareth:

I just finished a meditation session about you, and I’m still overwhelmed (Gee Note: Baby, you wouldn’t be the first woman to have a session with me and be ov… oh who am I kidding. I’m just happy if they’re not crying at the end of it).

I received confirmation that your future should change in the coming weeks, but at the same time I had a STRANGE VISION that bothered me a lot (Gee Note: I know exactly what you mean. I get those all the time. I’ll be idly day dreaming about something or other and then WHAMMY somehow I’m thinking about Zombie Michael Jackson. Where does that come from?).

There was a shadow, and hands reaching out to you. This vision is a bad sign. It means that SOMEONE HAS BEEN USING THE OCCULT TO TRY AND HARM YOU (Gee Note: Really? Awesome. I mean sure it’s a bit disconcerting that they’re trying to harm me and all, but if I’m honest I wasn’t aware I knew anyone cool enough to dabble in the dark arts).

Someone or something has been trying to take control of your destiny, probably to do you harm (Gee Note: Something? What the Hell? You mean like, wait, you don’t think it’s Zombie Michael Jackson do you? Hell bent on revenge against the world and therefore targeting it‘s most talented blogger? Hmmm. It’s all starting to make sense now).

It has planted doubts in your mind. That’s probably why you didn’t answer me before, and why you didn’t get that large amount of money I talked about in my last e-mail. You must understand that nothing good can happen to you if you just keep letting things pass you by, and don’t react (Gee Note: Uh lady, the reason I didn’t contact you is that you’re obviously a nut job. A very entertaining nut job granted. But a nut job none the less).

IT IS URGENT THAT YOU DO SOMETHING AGAINST THIS HARMFUL INFLUENCE which could certainly block the arrival of the large amount of money that should help resolve your situation in less than 21 days. (Gee Note: You mean I’ll finally have enough money to buy Tiny Tim that second crutch? Oh joy!)

Because of the ritual you did, and the prayer for spiritual protection you said, you are now sheltered from bad luck and HARMFUL ENERGIES THAT ARE TRYING TO HURT YOU (Gee Note: But not from arrows? What the hell kind of a shield is this?).

And that’s excellent, because good things are in store for you, Gareth, even if WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL. (Gee Note: Don’t worry. I trained for three years in Morriston’s School for Ninjas. “Careful” is my middle name. Well one of them anyway. Gareth Danger Excitement Careful Livewire Rhys Davies).

I must say that this is the first time in my long career as a medium that I’ve met someone as promising as you, who is at the same time surrounded by so much adversity. (Gee Note: I bet you say that to all the guys you’re trying to fleece for money).

Do it now (Gee Note: Get to the CHOPPER! Man I love Predator. Did you know that the Predator was actually played by Jean Claude Van Damme for like all of 2 weeks before they removed him for being a pain in the ass? And then he went on to make Timecop. Which even now is all kinds of brilliant. Not that there‘s any point to all this you understand. It‘s just I realised that I‘d gone a whole year on this blog without mentioning Timecop once, and thought that was something I had to remedy). You have no reason to put off for tomorrow what you can do today. AND TOMORROW MIGHT BE TOO LATE.

Gareth, you know that you may never have another chance like this to CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

That’s why I’ll be waiting to hear from you as soon as possible.

TARA

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And so the moral of the story is, oh God, I don’t know. If you are going to light a match and chant nonsense, then try not to get distracted by thinking of such things as Zombie Michael Jackson, The Family Ness and Timecop.

Because if you do there’s a good chance you’ll burn your fingers.

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