Last week I did something that I'm not proud of. I blocked Tara's emails.
Now long time readers of this blog (Gee Note: Hi dad) will know that Tara is a psychic who offered me a free tarot card reading once. Since that fateful day she has sent me regular emails telling me that she can change my life and begging me to send her money. Along the way Tara has provided us with many a golden moment. She's made us laugh, she's made us cry, and she's even made us think a little. But the truth is as entertaining as it was, her recent messages have seemed somewhat stale. Like a once great performer going through the same old tired routine, hoping to catch that lightening in a bottle one last time. And, if I’m honest, it was pretty hard to sit through. So with a heavy heart I decided that I simply couldn’t do it to myself anymore, and on to my email blacklist she went.
But then I started to feel guilty about it. I mean is this anyway to treat a legend? A woman who’s whispered name alone has been enough to excite even the most hardened souls? Well the answer is of course not. We here at I Saw Elvis owe this woman more than we can possibly imagine. And so, with her last message dating back to the 10th November, for the very last time it is our humble privilege to present to you… THE ONE. THE ONLY. THE SENSATIONAL. TARA THE ONLINE MEDIUM.
This may seem incredible to you (Gee Note: Not really. It’s just an email. I don’t mean to brag or anything but I’ve seen one before. I mean if you’d have shown me this 20 years ago then maybe you would have impressed me. But then 20 years ago I was seven years old, and so a key ring with the face of Mickey Mouse would have impressed me as well. Actually those things are pretty cool. I should get one. Anyway lady, my point is that if you’re going to try and astound me you’d best bring your A game. Wrestling a rhinoceros to the ground using only the power of your mind? Yes that would work. Sending me an e-mail? No, not so much), and yet it’s true!
In a few days a very unusual period will begin for you, during which your life could change for the better, even if you no longer believe in love or in a better life, and notwithstanding the fact that your present situation seems close to desperate. (Gee Note: Holy shit! How badly off does this woman think I am? I mean it’s not as if I sleep in a wooden crate and collect stray cats as a cheap alternative to Sunday dinner or something)
This will be made possible through the beneficial magic of an extremely rare event that should start very soon, causing lasting and remarkable changes in your life. (Gee Note: Ah beneficial magic. And I was afraid you were talking about something mad like un-beneficial magic. Phew. That’s a ton off my mind let me tell you).
I’m talking about the "Power of the Energy of Luck" (Gee Note: Hur hur hur, more like Power of the Energy of Fu… never mind) which will shine on you starting on FRIDAY THE 13TH.
You may already have heard people talking about this uncommon lucky day, but what you may not know is that it can transform the entire course of your life, starting on FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13TH, 2009. (Gee Note: Hang on? Isn’t Friday 13th the date that Jason Voorhees threw on a hockey mask and started to hack people up like they were meals from the Fat Duck? How the hell is that lucky? Unless you happen to be an undertaker I guess. In which case the hits just keep on coming.)
I recently "tuned in" to the higher planes of astral energy to find out what I could do to help you. To do that I used my special powers as a visionary medium. (Gee Note: Really? Say can you get Radio 4 on that thing?)
I discovered something amazing about you, Gareth. (Gee Note: Well I am pretty amazing now that I think about it).
As I concentrated on your case, I realized that a lack of luck has too often been part of your life. That’s because you are an unknowing victim of a vibratory imbalance (Gee Note: I beg your pardon. Listen I don‘t know where you get your stories from but I have never, not once, ever tried to "balance" a vibratory device. Why, who told I had? Was it Phil? It was Phil wasn‘t it? Was it Phil? Look, I'm only going to say this once. Phil Mycroft is a big fat liar with a big fat head. OK?), linked to a lack of astral energy in the Higher Planes.
This situation cannot last! According to what I felt, 2 important things are going to happen:
1 – Your life is going to change, starting on FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13TH, 2009. (Gee Note: No more checked slacks for me boys. From now on it’s corduroy all the way.)
2 – You should (finally) find a solution to all your present problems. (Gee Note: Hmmm. Gunpowder + ? = Success. Oh if only I had studied harder at Algebra).
I’m not asking you to take my word for it. I’m just asking you to set aside your doubts for a few minutes, carefully read what follows, and then judge for yourself.
This is very important for you, Gareth! What secret lies hidden behind the strange phenomenon of FRIDAY THE 13TH? It only happens 2 or 3 times a year, when an extraordinary field of concentrated energy appears in the astral world. Powerful “Lucky Energy” emanates from this vibratory field (Gee Note: Seriously did I walk in on an Ann Summers party by accident?) called the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH.
As the date approaches, the astral vibrations of this mysterious "Force" (Gee Note: You know I’m sure I’ve heard about the Force from somewhere before. From a film perhaps? Yes that was it, a film of some sort. What was it called? Solar Fight? No. Not Solar Fight. No don’t say it, it’ll come to me) become stronger, until they are 100 times more powerful than before. This rare phenomenon of Lucky Energy is what lies hidden behind FRIDAY THE 13TH, and it is going to last for an entire 52 days.
Most people agree that FRIDAY THE 13TH emits a particular kind of magnetism which can trigger “miraculous” events, especially as far as wins at games and finding true love are concerned. (Gee Note: So can the aftershave “Sex Panther” if the adverts are to be believed)
This is a very special time, when you can see hundreds of people who are in very difficult straits (emotional problems, family conflicts, financial difficulties and others) experience a surprising and rapid change in their lives, often in less than 30 days. That is exactly what happened recently to someone I helped because she was having so many problems (Gee Note: Story time? Awesome!):
She had asked a number of psychics and astrologers to help her (she’d even asked a priest who practiced exorcisms) but in the end, none of them were able to resolve her problems (Gee Note: Hang on, was she in fact possessed by the Devil in some way? Because otherwise why the hell go and see a Priest for an exorcism? “Uh hi Father McGuire, I was wondering if I could have a word? You see recently I‘ve been very down, struggling financially and wondering if I‘ll ever find true love.”
“Don’t worry yourself son. I tell you what, why don’t you sit yourself down on that chair there and tell me all about it?”
“Oh bless you Father. Well it all started a couple of months when Mary and I were planning a holiday to the… wait… Father? What are you…? Why are you tying me to the chair?”). When she received my message she was naturally sceptical, but her intuition told her that this time it was serious.
It’s true that this was the first time she’d ever heard about the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH (Gee Note: Despite the smash hit success of the book "The Adventures of MIRACLE ENERGY"? That’s amazing. I hear they're talking to Angelina for the movie).
She had trouble believing it was true, but she decided to trust me, and authorized me to intervene on her behalf. She was in for an incredible surprise! In less than 30 days. She won a huge jackpot playing the lottery, and was able to resolve all her money problems. She also moved into a beautiful new house, took a dream vacation, and was able to help many of the people close to her. (Gee Note: I wonder did she also win enough to be able to purchase her very own name? I mean it must suck being called “Her” and “She” all the time).
I can also give you numerous examples of rich and famous people who openly admit in the media that, for them, FRIDAY THE 13TH is a day that radiates a special kind of magnetism (Gee Note: No you can‘t. Otherwise you would list them right now. Which you blatantly haven‘t. It’s like me saying I can give you numerous examples of rich and famous people who openly admit in the media that they think this blog is the best in the world. But just by saying that doesn’t make it true. I mean sure, this is the best blog in the world of course. But I don’t know of any famous people who read it. Snooty bloody celebrities. Read my work damn you!). It is a day of incredible Good Luck, capable of triggering extremely positive events, notably in areas like gaming, love, and making a secret wish come true.
Now you too can benefit from the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH if you want. But for that to happen, I have to perform a secret ritual on your behalf, a ritual that will (Gee Note: Involve sacrificing a small farmyard animal? Possibly a goat? By the way, why is it goats who are always the likely target for sacrificial offerings to the Pagan Gods? I mean I’ve tasted goat. It’s not nice. Now bacon on the other hand. Mmm. Bacon. Seriously I ever become a Pagan God, you‘d best not be sending me any goat. Especially when there‘s bacon available) greatly multiply my powers on FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2009.
Now I have something very important to tell you, Gareth. The MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH happens only rarely, and not everyone can benefit from it. You have to deserve the "Power of Luck" you can obtain from the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH. And for that there is a condition, Gareth !
* Do you have a really urgent financial problem you want to solve? (Gee Note: No. But I do need new shoes.)
* Do you believe in the possible intervention of a "Higher Force?" (Gee Note: When you say “higher” do you in fact mean “stoned”?)
* Do you feel you lack Luck in your life? (Gee Note: No. Just shoes)
* Do you have a secret wish you’d like to see come true? (Gee Note: Um, would it still be a secret if I told you? I... don't think... no. No I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be.)
If you answered YES to any one of these questions, let me tell you how the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH can change the entire course of your destiny all at once.
I have to perform a secret ceremony of High Divinatory Magic, that will allow me to exploit the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH. This special ceremony, based on the Ancestral Book of High Magic, is called the Great Astral Invocation of FRIDAY THE 13TH. To perform the ceremony you have to be a master in the practice of Magical Invocation, and have a profound understanding of the Magic Spheres and astral travel. I am an expert in both. (Gee Note: I am also available for children’s parties and weddings. Book now to avoid disappointment.)
Thanks to the Secret Lucky FRIDAY THE 13TH Revelations that I will give you, as well as the Great FRIDAY THE 13TH Astral Invocation that I will perform, I will be able to invoke the Higher Powers on your behalf. That way I can make sure that the Power of Luck generated by the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH works in your favour. (Gee Note: Yeah! It’s about damn time those Higher Powers did something for me for a change).
No one can explain how this special kind of Luck happens. The only thing we know is that on each FRIDAY THE 13TH Luck does occur. Despite all this, I know that many people with serious problems will hesitate to take advantage of the strange power that emanates from the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH. Some because they think that nothing and no one can change their lives, and others because they lack an open mind, and believe only in things they can see with their own eyes. (Gee Note: So, wait, you’re saying that I should only believe in the things I can’t see? Like that invisible ninja that keeps stealing my socks? Bastard. I knew it was him all along. I mean people kept telling me they’d probably just fallen behind the drawer and that I should pull it out and have a look, but I knew the truth. That’s it ninja. You’re on my list pal).
And yet, hundreds of people with excellent intuition have accepted my help and benefited from the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH. Even though at first many didn’t really believe it would work (Gee Note: No? Really?). But after living this incredible experience, none of them see life the same way as they did before! Even the most sceptical among them were convinced. They can hardly believe that their most secret wish came true, often in just a few days!
I have already prepared the file for your Secret FRIDAY THE 13TH Lucky Revelations. Now I have to get ready to perform the "GREAT ASTRAL INVOCATION of FRIDAY THE 13TH".
I’ll be waiting to hear from you soon, before it’s too late!
The MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH is a very rare astral phenomenon, and I can only offer you my help once (Gee Note: Or “until the next time it‘s Friday the 13th“. You know. One of the two).
Don’t make the mistake of not responding to this call from destiny (Gee Note: I don‘t know. Is it collect?), and think that what you are being offered today is not important. The truth is that this is very serious, and very important!
Take advantage of this unique opportunity to harness the mysterious power of the MIRACLE ENERGY of FRIDAY THE 13TH and make your most important secret wish come true (Gee Note: As opposed to all those other secret wishes? Well I guess your right. I mean while having more money than I can spend is one thing, but what‘s that when you consider bringing back the classic ITV children‘s television show Knightmare? For a start it had that kick ass theme tune. Duh dah dah dah dah dah. Duh duh duh dah daaaaaaaah. Also Hugo Myatt really really needs the work. Hey maybe we could kill two birds with one stone and get Aaron Stanford to play an elf or something? Man, this idea just keeps getting better and better).
I know that in just a few days you’ll congratulate yourself for having listened to me, and for finally doing something good in your life. (Gee Note: “Finally doing something good“? Damn that’s harsh. I mean I’m not a proud man by any stretch of the imagination. But at least I’m not some kind of two bit hack trying to fleece naïve folks out of their hard earned cash by pretending to be a wizard. People in glass houses Tara. People in glass houses.)
Your loyal friend,
I’m sorry for insisting, but this message is an urgent priority for us both. I have very little time to prepare for the GREAT ASTRAL INVOCATION of FRIDAY THE 13TH. Last FRIDAY THE 13TH I also contacted 7 people whom I know personally. All of them saw their secret wish come true in less than 7 days, and all of their lives were changed forever. What I did for those people I can also do for you! All you have to do is answer me today. The best thing would be to do it right now! (Gee Note: As you wish. My answer is, oh how can I put this? Well it ends in “off” and, um, it doesn’t start with the word “face”. Does that make sense?)
And there by the grace of God goes Tara. And I hope you'll join us in wishing her the very best at whichever asylum she ends up in. Tara, ladies and gentlemen. Tara.