Tuesday, 1 December 2009

You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to do.

A couple of days ago I was reading a bunch of those "Also in the news" stories (Gee Note: You know, the type with headlines that go "Would be thief tries to rob bank with a potato" or something. By the way the guy who actually does that is either impressively stupid or the most dangerous man on the planet. Think about it, how kung fu'd up must you be if the only thing you need to rob a bank is a potato? I mean if I'm the teller at the bank and some guy comes at me with a vegetable, my thought process is going to go something like this "Wait! What? Is that a turnip? I mean he does know this is a bank right? I mean why… unless. Is this glass turnip proof? Does he know something I don't?". My point is that if it's me behind the desk, that dude's getting the money. Which is maybe the reason no bank on this earth will employ me.) when I came across something that surprised me.

It was in a report involving a chap called Ottmar Hörl. Hörl, a Professor at the Academy of fine Arts in Nuremberg, caused quite the stir earlier this year when he became the subject of a much publicised court case. You see Hörl had recently opened an exhibition of his work in Straubing entitled "Dance with the Devil" (Gee Note: I did that once, but ended up stepping all over his hooves. Probably why he didn't call after. Bad first dates. Oh I've had a few). Centrepiece of all this was a 14 inch high statue of a golden garden gnome performing a Nazi salute. Yes a gnome performing a Nazi salute. Now while this might seem like the ideal gift for that keen gardener in your life, apparently certain members of the German public weren't impressed and complained heartily about it to the media. And so to court Ottmar went, determined to defend his right to create gnomes striking whatever posed he liked, Nazi or otherwise.

The bit that raised my eyebrows was that Nazi salutes are apparently illegal in Germany, and can only be used legally if the subject is parodying the former Führer. Now I'm not sure why that surprised me, but it did. It's probably because the concept hadn't actually crossed my mind before. Anyway Ottmar was charged with the improper use of a Nazi salute. His defence?

"Well. Gnomes are a bit silly aren't they?"

In what must have been the greatest deliberation of all time the judge agreed with him, and Hörl was allowed to continue making far right gnomes to his hearts content. Hoorah.

Speaking of Nazi's (Gee Note: You know the other day I was in a bar and a woman representing the Salvation Army approached our table, trying to sell us a copy of the Christian newspaper the Warcry. Obviously ignoring the inherent irony that an organisation that promotes tee-totalism would be trying to raise money amongst a group of hardened drinkers, she ploughed on never the less and jangled her coin jar at us. Which, with my brain lost in a vodka induced fog, was more than enough to make me buy a copy. Anyway on the back page was a story about how Kellogg's were starting to brand their cornflakes with little logos so that consumers would know that they had the real deal and the writer, who must be some kind of genius, managed to segue it in to how we can better serve God. Now everyone else in the pub guffawed at this. But me? I'll be honest with you. I was impressed. That's some awesome segueing there Jack. I can only dream of pulling that kind of thing off. I mean who looks at a cornflake and goes "Hmmm. This cereal now has a tiny little stamp on it. You know what that reminds me of? Jesus."? It's stuff like this that separates the professionals from us amateurs) I was listening to a radio show the other day that had an interesting interview with Joseph P Farrell who, amongst other things, had a lot to say on the Nazi Bell.

Here's the 411. Sometime around 1944 Hitler was becoming desperate. Having thrown everything possible at the British and Russian armies and with them still standing albeit a bit shakily, Adolf put together a plan to give him edge on the battlefield. He would create a vast array of weapons both small and large that would strike fear in to the heart of the enemy. And so the Wunderwaffe program was born. Literally meaning “wonder weapons” a series of super killing machines were put in to development including the Type XVIII U-boat, the Sturer Emil tank destroyer, the Focke-Wulf (Gee Note: Originally called the Screw-Pooch. Maybe.) Ta 400 airplane, and the Flettner FI 185 helicopter.

However by the time Adolf put a pistol to his head, very few of these had made it to combat and those that did made it in too few numbers to have an effect on the outcome of the war. However had Hitler managed to hold on for a wee bit longer the result could have been very different. Because somewhere near the Wenceslaus mine something quite unbelievable was being tested. A weapon that if unleashed would not only change the course of the war, but of human history as well.

Well that’s if you believe Igor Witkowski.

According to his book Prawda O Wunderwaffe, Igor discovered the existence of this new super weapon after seeing KGB records dealing with the interrogation of SS General Jakob Sporrenberg. Jakob Sporrenberg was born in Dusseldorf (Gee Note: And that is why they called him Ro… er… Jakob. Tsk. Germans eh? No sense of humour) on 16th September 1902. By the time 1944 rolled around Sporrenberg had risen to the ranks of SS and Police Leader of occupied Poland, before being redeployed to Norway. When the war ended Sporrenberg was captured by British forces and extradited back to Poland. It was there that Sporrenberg was found guilty in participating in numerous war crimes. He was sentenced to death and executed by hanging on 6th December 1952.

According to Witkowski, during his incarceration in Poland Sporrenberg gave up the details to a super duper secret project called "The Bell". The details were recorded, as all good interrogations are, and filed away under lock and key. Somehow Witkowski was shown these files by an unnamed source in August 1997. The source, who Witkowski claims was a Polish intelligence officer, would only allow Igor to transcribe the documents and so no copies were made.

In these documents The Bell, or "Die Glocke" to give it it's official name, was described as metallic, about 9 feet wide and about 15 feet high. It contained two counter rotating cylinders filled with a mysterious substance known only as Xerum 525. When connected to high voltage electricity the cylinders would rotate and Xerum 525 would turn a bright shade of violet. Apparently this led to the Bell emitting radiation levels high enough to microwave an elephant, and many a scientist perished during the experiment (Gee Note: It's OK though. They were probably evil. You know, like that Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark who burns his hand and uses it as a map and then his face melts off at the end? Man I love that movie. Also, great theme tune. Dah dah dah dah dahhhhhhh dah dah dahhhhhh…).

But what, I hear you cry, was the Bell's purpose? Well here's the thing. Nobody really knows.
Oh there's been lot's of speculation, from free energy to re-animation. Witkowski himself believes the mechanism was almost certainly some sort of anti gravity device, while Jan Van Helsing believes it was a flying machine developed using alien technology (Gee Note: No really. I'm not making this up. Jan van Helsing is the pen name of Jan Udo Holey. Basically he's like a German version of David Icke. Except he blames Jews for everything, unlike Icke who blames 9ft tall shape shifting alien reptiles. Now I'm not saying that the difference of opinion regarding the secrets leaders of the world is because Jan Udo Holey is German and predisposed to hate Jews. I'm saying it's because he's a douche.). However the most common theory is that the Bell's primary function was to facilitate time travel.

Nick Cook in his book The Hunt For Zero Point sites an interview he conducted with Dr. Dan Marckus (Gee Note: Cook claims he is "an eminent scientist attached to the physics department of one of Britain's best-known universities", but also admits he used a fake name to protect his identity. Which begs the question, why go with "Dr. Dan Marckus"? I mean if your going to make it up, why not have fun with it? Dr. Pecs Van BoomBoom? Dr. Chesty LeReaux? Professor Tits McGee? The options are endless). According to him the Bell was a torsion field generator, which sure sounds mighty impressive even if I don't know what the hell it is, and was used to manipulate the space-time continuum.

And if a supposed scientist with a made up name doesn't sway you, how about Henry Stevens? In his book "Hitler's Suppressed and Still-Secret Weapons" (Gee Note: Working title - "Hitler: What a sneaky bastard") Stevens details a conversation between a friend's aunt's hairdresser's brother's dog's kennel keeper father and his boss at NASA, Otto Cerny. Cerny was an ex German scientist who had been absorbed in to the American government via Operation Paperclip, and at first was vague about his prior work for the Nazis. When pressed, and when I say pressed I'm guessing he was plied with copious amounts of alcohol, Cerny would go in to further detail. He would tell of a contraption remarkably similar to the Bell that was used to manipulate time itself. The device in question would allow folks who used it to "go back and witness things". It was a one way ticket however, as all attempts to go forward failed. So it was like a really dangerous slide show of someone's holiday snaps. I guess.

The problem with all of this however is that despite the claims of all of the above, the single source for the Nazi Bell remains one Igor Witkowski. No hard evidence has ever been uncovered of such a device, to the point where before 1997 no one even thought it existed. So I guess it's down to whether you choose to believe one man as to the validity of it’s existence. And let's be honest, it's a stretch at best. Time travelling Nazis? You might as well make them pirate-ninjas and be done with it.

But then crazier things have happened before. After all the nation of Germany once believed ridding the entire world populace of Jews was a good idea. And now they're so opposed to the idea that they've effectively banned anyone from following in their forefathers' foot steps. If something like that can happen, who's to say people can't travel in time thanks to a spin cycle and some glowing liquid?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a box of cornflakes. For some reason after all this talk of Nazi's and horrendous tragedies, I feel like being a little bit closer to God today.

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