Thursday, 14 January 2010

Hey, sheriff, you forgot your pants.

It's official. I hate snow.

Actually that not true. Snow that's three feet high off the ground and practically begging you to dive head first in to it is great. Building a snowman, realising the snowman looks a bit crap, giving up and heading inside to drink brandy and listen to Dean Martin records, it really is a lot of fun. Problem is what we have now isn't three foot of snow. Instead we have a trickle. A trickle that is then roundly stamped on by dogs, cats, children, and other animals before freezing over and turning in to a sheet of ice. Now while this may seem like a minor irritation to many, it's starting to become very tiresome as far as this stunningly handsome man is concerned. See the thing is I don't drive, and as such the pavements of Swansea have long been my friends. Over the past week however those friends have turned in to bitter enemies who appear to take delight in making me look foolish.

For example, yesterday morning I had to walk down to the shops to pick up some essentials (Gee Note: You know, bread, milk, feathers so I could dress the guinea pigs up as Native Americans and pretend to be a cowboy. Bang bang. Take that pilgrim). Sadly I say walk, I of course mean skid while my arms flailed wildly around like an electrified ostrich. Literally every footstep I took produced a set of ridiculous gesticulations and less than manly yelps. I even managed to terrify an old woman after nearly careering in to her with my ample ginger ass. By the time I'd ventured approximately 13 feet from my front door I was hanging on to a chain link fence for dear life, while being silently mocked by a small boy watching from his living room window.

Like I said, I hate snow. The good news is we've got someone to blame for all this. Thanks to an email from my good friend Jenny, I know exactly who to vent my frustrations and anger at. Yes. It's all America's fault.

You see according to a post taken from the Pakistan Daily dated January 8, those darned yanks are completely to blame. Now the Pakistan Daily is an online forum dedicated to bringing news and opinions to Pakistani folks the world over. It's part newspaper, part interactive blog. Basically anyone can register and post their views on, well, anything they like and the article will be published alongside those of the journalists who work there. For the most part this works swimmingly well. However every so often someone absolutely bonkers comes along and posts something screamingly insane. January 8 was one of those times.

Remember that Norwegian UFO in December that generated a gaggle of excited talk about aliens and stuff? And then remember how everyone said after the initial outburst of excitement that it was just a Russian rocket that had gone off course? Well whoever wrote the following obviously thinks that's a load of old bollocks.

Norway Time Hole “Leak” Plunges Northern Hemisphere Into Chaos

Russian scientists are reporting to Prime Minister Putin today that the high-energy beam fired into the upper heavens from the United States High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) radar facility in Ramfjordmoen, Norway this past month has resulted in a “catastrophic puncturing” of our Plant’s thermosphere thus allowing into the troposphere an “unimpeded thermal inversion” of the exosphere, which is the outermost layer of Earth’s atmosphere.
(Gee Note: I thought I had a catastrophic puncturing of my exosphere once. Turns out it was just gas. Ah boom cha cha. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'll be here all week).

To the West’s firing of this ‘quantum’ high-energy beam we had previously reported on in our December 10, 2009 report titled “Attack On Gods ‘Heaven’ Lights Up Norwegian Sky”. (Gee Note: Not the snappiest headline I've ever read. Maybe something like "American Assault on Nordic Sky makes God cry" would've been better? No. Perhaps not.).

To how catastrophic for our Planet this massive thermal inversion has been Anthony Nunan, an assistant general manager for risk management at Mitsubishi Corporation in Tokyo, is reporting today that the entire Northern Hemisphere is in winter chaos, with the greatest danger from this unprecedented Global event being the destruction of billions of dollars worth of crops in a World already nearing the end of its ability to feed its self. (Gee Note: Hang on. Mitsubishi make cars don't they? What the hell do they know about weather? I mean it would be like saying "Here I have proof that Sex in The City is actually a mind control device used by Satan. Jim "The Magnificent Bonzo" Johnson from Bolton's Premier Clown School was quoted as saying "Sex in The City? What's that?". There. I rest my case.").

So powerful has this thermal inversion become that reports from the United States are stating that their critical crops of strawberries, oranges, and other fruits and vegetables grown in their Southern States, are being destroyed by record cold temperatures (Gee Note: What about apples?!?!? Please tell me the apples will be OK. Won't somebody think of the apples?!?). The US is further reporting record amounts of snowfall in what they are now warning may be their worst winter in 25 years.

Reports from the United Kingdom today are, likewise, showing a Nation in chaos as brutal cold temperatures continue to batter the British people
(Gee Note: And rape the British live stock. Maybe) suffering under the worst snow blizzards to hit them in almost 50 years. So dire has it become in the UK that their National Grid yesterday issued only its second warning in its entire history stating that their Nation’s gas supply was running out due to this unprecedented event.

(Gee Note: Edit. At this point the article becomes beyond tedious detailing how the cold weather has caused avalanches in Russia, storms in Canada, and Chinese people to be mean to kittens. I think. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention if I'm honest. Anyway it goes on to say…)

To the long-term consequences of this thermal inversion caused by the West, these reports further warn that by the puncturing of our atmosphere by the HAARP (Gee Note: By the way, as much as I hate it when the truth spoils a good yarn, HAARP is based in Alaska, not in Ramfjordmoen. So in no way could it "puncture the atmosphere" in Norway. Still let's not get bogged down in details guys. Enjoy the show.) radars our Planet has, also, been “needlessly exposed” to the growing threat posed to us by the giant mysterious object currently approaching us (named by NASA as G1.9) which we had previously reported on in our January 3rd report titled “Russia Prepares For Asteroid Strike As New Comet Nears Sun”, and which has been blamed for the rapid shifting of our Earth’s North Pole that was first documented in 2005. (Gee Note: OK look I wasn't going to be a stickler or anything but really, dude, c'mon now. For a start G1.9 isn't a "giant mysterious object". It's a brown dwarf star with an elliptical orbit that occasionally approaches our solar system from behind Venus. Secondly during it’s travels the closest G1.9 gets to the Earth is about 60 times the distance between the Earth and the Sun. Now the Sun is some 93 million miles from the Earth give or take. So 60 times 93 million is… um… well it’s a f***ing long way away however you look at it).

But to the most critical aspect of these events it surely lies with the Western World’s continued arrogance in regards to experimenting on both our Planets natural species and human beings (Gee Note: Human beings aren‘t a natural species?), and though who may think that they are ‘gods’, are continuing to give evidence that they are acting more like devils. (Gee Note: Oh word play! You little scamp you).

Unsurprisingly this insane tirade prompted the following disclaimer.

Pakistan Daily News does not necessarily agree with the views set forth by the Author of this post.

And it’s not hard to see why. I mean the above is one of the worst examples of calculated racism I’ve seen in a long while. Look if you dislike “the West” so much then so be it. I live here and I’m not sure I agree with the rest of us most of the time. But really, bro, if you are going to bother going to the effort of writing a long article about how “evil” someone else is, at least have the decency to try and make it non-fiction. You have a golden opportunity to make a statement using intelligence, wit, and charm. Not to mention a laundry list of dubious activities conducted by the US, the UK, and others over the past 500 years or so.

But instead you cheapen it by creating an argument where none exists. Trust me, speaking as a man who’s had a million bad relationships, that bullshit never works. You really want to annoy someone? Tell them all about their worst excesses and make valid points about how they could be better. You want to be ignored and marginalised? Keep on doing exactly what you are doing. Put it this way, I’m as dumb as a bag of spanners, and even I can prove that you’re talking nonsense. When something like that happens, it may be time to rethink things a wee bit.

Anyway, I gotta go. It’s started snowing again. And the guinea pigs have eaten all the feathers. Hopefully I can get down to 14 feet before hanging on to that fence for dear life.

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