Saturday, 2 January 2010

That was the year that was.

Hello. It's the start of a New Year. And so what better way to celebrate than looking back at some of the stories that have intrigued us over the past 12 months? Well a better way would be to get drunk at a theme park obviously. But I'm tired, so instead this is what you get.

What the hell was that?

A UFO lit up the skies of Norway on December 9th which made people gasp and go "Wow. What is that thing?". Except in Norwegian obviously. Most media outlets are claiming that this was a failed Russian missile test, something which the Russians deny. And to be honest with you, if I'd accidentally fired a missile at Norway I'd do the exact same thing as well. Wasn't me pal. Oh gosh no.

MOD closes dedicated UFO department.

On December 4th the British government decided to close it's dedicated UFO department after almost 60 years. Why? Because they're jerks, that's why.

Brazilian Werewolves.

If you go down to Brazil today you're sure of a big surprise. If you go down to Brazil today you'd better go in disguise. For in Brazil is a f***ing great big Werewolf that will kill you as soon as look at you. Well that's according to Kelly Martins Becker, who reported to police that she had been attacked by a large dog that ran about on it's hind legs on January 28th. She managed to escape by throwing a T-Bone steak on to the ground and running away. Or maybe that was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon. I don't know. One of the two.

Tom Biscardi finds Bigfoot toenail.

Tom Biscardi called the world's media to attention on October 22nd when he announced he had discovered a "toenail of unknown origin" in some Bigfoot prints. This being Biscardi however he followed it up by saying "This toenail has magical properties. If you rub it in just the right way you summon an army of unicorns and strippers. And then they fight with each other until only one of them is left standing. And then a comet hits the earth and kills all the penguins. And then Lucifer himself opens up a tire place on 34th Street, where he gives out free bagels with every fitting. And then…"

Up in Smoke.

Proving that the only thing human beings have to fear is other human beings, on March 2nd it was reported that Acea Schomaker had come up a rather novel way of relaxing his hyperactive cat. Namely by stuffing the feline in to an extra large home made bong. Sadly the local Sherriff's department disagreed with Schomaker that this was for the cat's best interest and promptly arrested him. Schomaker was quoted as saying "I know for sure this isn't the first time someone has done this, I'm just the first one to get caught." The cat was quoted as saying "Dude… have you ever noticed… like... my hands are huge.".

Bikini and Yeti together at last.

August 31st brought with it a tale of unexpected sauciness, as a video of bikini clad Polish student Justyna Folger showed her being seemingly spied on by a large bipedal creature. Her boyfriend Tadeusz Serafinowski managed to catch the incident on film. Kinda. The camera shakes so badly you'd swear the dude is on a bouncy castle. However, thanks to this video I can now watch bikini clad women prancing across my screen all day long and claim it's research. GO POLAND!

Gary McKinnon is going to be extradited. Maybe.

Everyone's favourite plucky go lucky computer hacker Gary McKinnon was dealt a blow when Home Secretary Alan Johnson announced that McKinnon will be extradited to the US on November 27th. Except his lawyer appealed against that decision, meaning McKinnon stays put for the time being. Meanwhile Roman Polanski was overheard saying "You break in to military databases and zey treat you like royalty. But you rape one 13 year old girl…".

American Idol is haunted.

So said the National Enquirer in May. Actually the ghost, named Phyllis, was specifically targeting host Ryan Seacrest. Some say it was because she had a crush on Ryan. Some say it's because he smells like beef jerky. Who's to say which one is right?

Charlie Sheen knows the truth.

In September Charlie Sheen wrote a fictional teleplay between him and President Barack Obama discussing the events of 9/11, the aftermath of which Sheen believes to be a giant cover-up. Sheen was later on in the year arrested for allegedly trying to stab his wife during a domestic dispute. Or that’s what THEY want you to think anyway. In reality the CIA had replaced Sheen’s wife with a looky-likey cyborg programmed to threaten itself and then call 911 sobbing uncontrollably. Those bastards. Is there no low our dark overlords won’t stoop to in order to keep a brave man quiet. Screw you Illuminati.

In Memoriam: Remembering those who passed away in 2009.

Captain Lou Albano - Professional wrestler and real life Super Mario.

Patrick Swayze - 80’s heart throb who also happened to be a damn fine actor.

Mac Tonnies - Ufoologist and for my money one of the best writers in North America.

Michael Jackson - Weird pop star who everyone remembered they liked after he died.

Natasha Richardson - Actor and all around nice person apparently.

David Carradine - Kung Fu star and all around pervert apparently.

John Hughes - Cinema legend.

Edward Woodward - Actor famous for The Equalizer, The Wicker Man, and for a joke where you remove all the d’s from his name.

Tony Hart - Artist, children’s television presenter, and friend of Morph

Keith Floyd - Celebrity chef who made drinking on the job seem like a lot of fun.

And finally… Something to look forward to.

Awesome. This year is already off to a great start.

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