Sunday, 28 February 2010

Sssshhhh! What was that?


Hello.

Apologies in advance, but this week’s post is going to be shorter than usual. The reason being that, sadly, with all that’s been going on recently I really haven’t had a chance to research anything.

The reason I haven’t had a chance to research anything is because I got engaged this week. To my girlfriend. Or fiancée now I guess. Either way “the future ex-Mrs. Davies” has now officially become the future Mrs. Davies and I’m very happy. Problem is I’ve been in party mode ever since then and so haven’t had the energy to sit down and look stuff up (Gee Note: On the other hand, I have had the energy to dance in my kitchen at the drop of the hat and create cocktails with an alcohol level that would kill a marmoset. Which isn‘t very constructive I grant you. It is however a lot of fun)



Regardless I feel a bit bad not having done anything worth blogging about this week. So in an effort to appease you good folks who read this bad boy week in week out, I sat myself down and watched Most Haunted Live last night.

Most Haunted Live was beamed across Britain from the spooky location of Golden Grove Mansion in Carmarthen. An old abandoned building inhabited by bats and with plaster crumbling all around, Golden Grove fits the bill as far as a decent haunted house goes. And so the Most Haunted team bravely did what they do best by turning the lights off and screaming when a stairwell creaks.

An argument could be made that if you’ve seen one episode of Most Haunted then you’ve seen them all, and for better or worse last nights show was no exception. Dragging a random medium around while they blatantly make things up on the spot? Check. Yvette Fielding enquiring about a supposedly evil spirit by going “So when you say “terrible things”, do you mean he wants to do terrible things to us” with a just a wee bit too much enthusiasm? Check. Karl Beattie heading out of the room, shouting that he’s seen “a figure” only for it to have amazingly disappeared (Gee Note: Like Lindsey Lohan when it’s time to pay a bar bill) at the point the camera crew arrive? Double check.

Despite all this going on, the star of the show remains Lesley Smith. Allegedly brought in to provide historical analysis on both the characters that could be haunting the building and to see how on the ball the guest psychic is, Lesley instead brings an A game of wailing melodrama to the proceedings.

Looking a bit like a school dinner lady who’s been given a shopping voucher for M&S, on the hour mark Lesley got dragged down to the basement in order to help out with the investigation. Almost immediately she became the most entertaining thing on screen, complaining about being told not to scream. “Not to scream? How can you stop yourself if you get a bit jumpy?”. This was then followed up 30 seconds later when she exclaimed “It’s all very dark, very sinister, and the whole time we’ve been down here there’s the feeling we’re being followed.” (Gee Note: Well for a start it’s very dark because you’ve turned all the lights off. Secondly, the whole time? The whole time? You’ve only been there for less than a minute for God‘s sake. It’s like watching a 100 metres sprint and complaining it takes way too long. “I mean it‘s all bang run run run. Boooorrrrring.”). It’s stuff like this that makes one believe that Lesley’s real purpose on the show is to make everyone else as anxious as possible.



This again reared it’s head only a couple of moments later when Fielding had been directed to the wine cellar by Lesley after she felt some “movement” in there.

“Of course thinking about it,” said the Smithster “There could be rats in there”.

“Oh great Les. Great. Thanks very much.” replied Fielding “What did you go and say that for?”. (Gee Note: So you’ll quite happily hunt for poltergeists, but rats terrify you? Wait… what?)

“Well it’s just a thought. We know there’s bats here. Could be rats as well.”.

The main event though was when the door to the basement mysteriously locked while the ladies where already freaking the f*** out about a knocking sound in the wall or something. Lesley scuttled off camera, screamed like a banshee (Gee Note: Obviously she got a bit jumpy), and when we next caught up with her she was pounding on the door hysterically. And then, in a moment of pure genius, she spun around and with enough venom to put a King Cobra to shame called the “ghost” a bastard.

She called the ghost… a bastard.

I don’t really know if I have the words to describe how awesome this was. I mean a middle aged woman swearing at, for all intents and purposes, thin air on national television? How do you even try to quantify that?

Suffice to say, Lesley Smith at that moment became my new favourite thing on television.

Anyway, I’m off to make more cocktails and to pack for a trip to Stratford to celebrate the whole engagement thing. I’ll see you on the flip side.

*******************Bleary 11pm EDIT********************************************

Stop the press. I just found out there's a ghost hunt held nightly in Stratford. I asked the future ex-Mrs. Davies if we were going to go on it she jokingly said "No". Except she wasn't laughing. Or smiling. In fact she looked pretty darn serious about it. So of course we're going. Whether I come back with a fiancée or not remains to be seen.

Find out what happens next week.

Same bat-time.

Same bat-channel.

(Gee Note: You know I've wanted to do that for, like, ever and never actually found a reason to until today. Seriously, I'm having the best time. Getting engaged. Doing the whole Adam West Batman routine. I only need to invent a way to make clothes you can no longer fit in to turn in to bacon sandwiches and my life will in fact be complete.)

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