Anyway. With the unplanned absence it seems I've missed a lot of really groovy stuff going on the past couple of weeks (Gee Note: I've also missed you sexy people who read this blog. Really I have). So I should probably try and catch up as best I can.
You guys remember Ultimate Thor right? No? You sure? Scandinavian guy talking about how humans will advance their "spirits to a higher understanding" (Gee Note: Bro. Have you seen a KFC Double Down? You know, the bacon and cheese "sandwich" that uses fried chicken instead of bread? No really. Two bloody great big lumps of chicken separated by cheese wrapped in bacon wrapped in cheese. I don't know about you but I'm really not sure the human race can get much more advanced than that). Well for those of you who don't Ultimate Thor's real name is Edward Alexander. Or Maggador IX-777. Now some folks may be wondering why one man would have two names. Well it's because Edward Alexander is his human name. And Maggador is his alien name. I think. To be honest though I'm not sure. Seriously trying to get a grasp on this is a bit like wrestling a greased up eel. If, of course, the eel was a large hippy from Sweden.
OK. Allow me to explain. About a year and a half ago Eddie announced himself to the world with a couple of Youtube videos in which he claimed his body was the host for a reincarnated spirit of an alien (Gee Note: Intergalactic squatters eh? I can see the enraged Daily Mail editorial now). Some people believed him, because of course some people are insane. Most people didn't and chose to ignore him and a couple laughed at him. Which at the time I thought was a bit harsh. I mean, sure, he wasn't really an alien any more so than Madonna is a talented performer (Gee Note: YES! Madonna hate. We're back baby.). But he appeared friendly enough and didn't seem to let any of the negative reaction he received phase him.
Anyway one week I was stuck for material for this 'ere online journal thing, and decided to write a post about Maggador, gently poking fun at the Nordic wonder. Basically he'd started up a blog which featured some step by step instructions on how to contact your spirit guide. So I tried them out for myself and, not surprisingly, it didn't go so well. I don’t know. Maybe my spirit guide is as rubbish as I am. It would make sense. Anyway I wrote the thing and thought nothing of it only for the man himself to leave a nice enough comment wishing me all the best in the future (Gee Note: Although it might not have been that nice depending on how he said it I guess. I mean when a Mafia boss says stuff like "You wanna be careful. There's plenty of potholes in this neighbourhood a guys like yous could fall down. Capeesh?" they're not really worried about the route you'll be taking home that night. Also they might not actually say the word "capeesh". It all depends on whether or not they're in a Jimmy Cagney movie).
Since then however Edward Alexander has taken a bit of a wrong turn. Rather than be the happy go lucky basketcase who thinks he's from the planet Zog, Maggy has started preaching about how the entire world is just one big conspiracy. It all started with this video where, accompanied by a monkey (Gee Note: !), he in a nutshell told people to overthrow their government. Which for an extra-terrestrial extolling the virtues of peace of love is confusingly militant. Since then he's held a series of interviews with various folks who are all as barking as he is, led an online war against the conspiracy nut website Above Top Secret for being "part of the elite", and even posted a Facebook update recently that stated "They're watching and hearing you. NSA (and who knows whom else) have a back-door built into all versions of Microsoft Windows, meaning they can access anyone’s computer whenever they want. In turn, this means they can watch you through your webcam, and hear your conversations through your microphone." (Gee Note: Two things. Firstly if anyone has been watching me through my webcam while I'm online then er… I'm very sorry. That's probably not what you want to see while you're eating your lunch. Secondly, who updates their Facebook status with stuff like that? Seriously mine only gets updated with things like "I like cheese." and "I'm not sure my *insert body part here* should be turning blue after getting up too quickly from the sofa...". Have I been doing it wrong?).
Which is a shame because it instantly makes Ultimate Thor way less appealing. Mind that could be just as far as I'm concerned. You see if there's one thing I dislike it's conspiracy theories.
Take the case of David Kelly. Now in British political circles the name David Kelly is a bit like Voldemort (Gee Note: In that politicians don't like saying it out loud. Not that he's an evil wizard with an alarming lack of hair growth on his head. Why does he have no hair by the way? Is it a symptom of his evilness? Does that somehow make him even eviler? If so then Telly Savalas must have been a right bastard). Involved in one of the worst governmental controversies in recent memory it seems the very whisper of his name is enough to make Members of Parliament shuffle their feet nervously.
Kelly was born in the Rhondda on May 14 1944. After graduating from the University of Leeds and the University of Birmingham he moved on to Linacre College, Oxford where he successfully completed a doctorate in Microbiology. From there he joined the British Civil Service as head of the Defense Microbiology Division before moving on to the Ministry of Defense. Where he was, er, given no specific job title. No really. As far as I can tell Kelly was employed as kind of a consultant, his advice sought whenever the MoD or the Foreign Office found themselves in a spot of bother with those jolly foreigners and their killing machines. It was during his time at the MoD that Kelly, at the request of the United Nations, visited Iraq as a weapons inspector during the aftermath of the Gulf War. His diligent work in this field led to a nomination for the Noble Peace Prize.
Anyway fast forward to the year 2002. Britain, as part of it's
And so with the document approved The UK put on it's little tin hat and went off to war. By the time all the ground fighting was done Kelly had resolved to see this incredible Iraqi war machine for himself. Now it should be noted that David Kelly genuinely believed that Iraq had either kept hold of or had started producing again seriously horrendous biological and chemical weapons. So joining an inspection team from the 5th June 2003 to the 11th June 2003 he paid a visit to an alleged mobile weapons lab. Except, er, that's not what it was. According to man himself, "They are not mobile germ warfare laboratories. You could not use them for making biological weapons. They do not even look like them. They are exactly what the Iraqis said they were - facilities for the production of hydrogen gas to fill balloons." (Gee Note: Balloons you say? My God. It's worse than we could have ever imagined. Forget Al-Qaeda. The Iraqis have been aiding Richard Branson.) .
Meet Andrew Gilligan. Gilligan was a journalist for the BBC who made a name for himself covering the war in Iraq. Having previously talked to David Kelly about an earlier draft of the dossier. Gilligan was keen to pick the man's brains about the distinct lack of WMD's being discovered in Iraq by both UN Inspectors and the armed forces. Kelly agreed to talk with him but only if he could remain as an anonymous source. No problem said Gilligan and on May 22nd they met up for a good ol' fashioned natter. Seven days later Gilligan broadcast his report based on Kelly's testimony.
Cue political shitstorm.
You see in the programme Gilligan announced that the 45 minute claim had been added by the government themselves to "sex up" the dossier (Gee Note: Although to be honest I can think of better ways to sex something up . For example, a picture of a lumberjack with his shirt off standing next to a woman in a bikini for no real reason), despite reservations about it's accuracy. Two days later Gilligan wrote a follow up article for the Mail On Sunday in which he named Labour chief spin doctor Alastair Campbell as the man responsible for the over exaggeration.
Mister Campbell is, well, how can I put this so he won't sue me? He's... tenacious, but not in a good way. Upon hearing his name mentioned he immediately went on the offensive, demanding an apology from the BBC and Gilligan. Gilligan refused to issue one, standing by his story that Campbell had prettied up the dossier in order to make a war in Iraq seem more appealing. Deciding not to take this lying down Campbell arrived unannounced at rival broadcaster Channel 4, and was immediately given the chance to launch in to a tirade on their nightly news broadcast, slamming both the BBC and Gilligan in hearty fashion.
You know that feeling you get when you've done something you shouldn't have and after the fact realize a lot of people are going to be pissed at you? (Gee Note: For me it usually involves trying to make a flux capacitor out of macaroni and adhesive only to end up gluing the Future Ex-Mrs Davies's favourite bag to a coffee table or something). Well Kelly felt a bit like that. Knowing that he had spoken to Gilligan and aware of all the commotion it was causing, Kelly went to his superiors and admitted the liaison with the reporter. However, Kelly claimed that he could not have been the primary source for the report as he was convinced he had not said the things attributed to the unnamed whistle blower by Gilligan.
Now what normally happens in these type of cases is that the MoD would have slapped Kelly on his wrist and send him on his merry way. And should anymore journalists have come knocking on their door asking questions, they would do the media equivalent of putting on a big fake black mustache and speaking in a thick Hispanic accent. "Sexings up of dossiers? We no know no sexings up of dossiers" they would say. Except this time they didn't. Instead the MoD released a statement saying a potential source of the leak had come forward. And although the statement didn't outright name Kelly they gave enough clues, such as his service record and the like, that anyone with half a brain could work it out (Gee Note: A bit like the "wicked whispers" sections of tabloids when they want to make stuff up about celebrities but don't want to get sued. You know, the ones that go "Which soap star is afraid they're house will be raided by police because they are storing the severed head of an ex-lover in their fridge?"). Even more bizarre when reporters did call the MoD asking if the person the statement was referring to was in fact David Kelly, the MoD confirmed that it was.
With his identity now out in the open Kelly and Gilligan were summoned before the Foreign Affairs Select Committee on 15 July 2003. Kelly appeared to be a broken man, speaking so softly that the building's air conditioning had to be turned off so as to hear him properly. Despite this various MP's took what seemed to be a perverse delight in grilling him. Most notable of these was Andrew Mackinley, who cross examined Kelly so aggressively that it was later reported the MoD agent described the Labour politician as "an utter bastard".
And here's where the story takes a tragic turn. Two days later Kelly was at home, where he spent the morning replying to emails from colleagues and friends offering support. At around 3pm he told his wife that he was going for his routine daily walk and left his home on foot. He never returned. He was reported missing that night by his wife and his body was found early the next morning in woodlands about a mile away from his residence. It appeared he had committed suicide, taking up to 29 tablets of the painkiller co-proxamol and cutting his left wrist with a knife.
An awful, terrible end to what is one of the most disgusting stories in modern political times. I mean forget for a moment who David Kelly worked for. Forget for a moment the question of whether or not Alastair Campbell had anything to do with "sexing up" the dossier (Gee Note: Campbell was cleared of intentionally adding misleading information by the Select Committee on 7 July. However it was only decided by the casting vote of the chairman. The same report also observed that the 45 minute claim was given "undue prominence". You know, the next time I tell a great big fib, I want the Select Committee on my side. “Of course I don't think you look fat in that dress honey. And to prove it here's a six page document stating exactly why the words “Woah! Who let the Orca in here?” were in fact about a completely unrelated topic).Forget for a minute that Gilligan himself included statements "direct" from the source in his report that may have not actually been spoken by Kelly. Instead think of it this way. David Kelly was a man who believed that the invasion of Iraq wasn't fully justified and because he had admitted this to the wrong person, he was hounded mercilessly until he could handle it no longer and took his own life. If that doesn't make you sick to your stomach then you're probably a psychopath. No really. You might want to get that seen to.
The thing is, well, a lot of people don't think like that, Not because they are psychopaths you understand (Gee Note: Although a lot of them aren't playing with a full deck I grant you). But because they don't think that David Kelly killed himself. You see they believe that Kelly was…
Wait for it…
Murdered. (Gee Note: For the best results, please play that music that goes Dun dunnn dunnnnnnnn while reading that sentence out loud in a thick Scottish accent. Thank you.).
It all started with the Hutton inquiry. Now the Hutton inquiry was set up by the Labour Government to investigate who, if anyone, was responsible for the demise of David Kelly. Chaired by
Except that isn't what happened. Instead Lord Hutton had decided that Kelly definitely killed himself, that the government had no cause to answer, that the document had in no way been "sexed up" (Gee Note: You know I wish they would come up with a better phrase than that. "Embellished" for example. I mean considering the context, what we're talking about here is a document that sent a lot of people in to a war zone where they would put their lives on the line while trying to kill some other people. And, unless you spend your time masturbating to slow motion replays of fatal car crashes, that is in no way sexy.), and that the MoD had acted properly but were a bit mean in not letting Kelly know he would be thrown to the lions. Hutton reserved his criticism for the BBC however who he claimed had made grievous errors it not checking the accuracy of Gilligan's story and allowing the report to be broadcast.
Following the damning report the chairman of the BBC Gavyn Davis handed in his notice almost immediately after publication. BBC Director-General Greg Dyke followed soon after, as did Gilligan himself. However during the announcement that he was stepping down Dyke claimed he did "not necessarily accept the findings of Lord Hutton." It lead to thousands of BBC employees paying for a full page advert in the Daily Telegraph which read:
The following statement is from BBC employees, presenters, reporters and contributors. It was paid for by them personally, not the BBC itself.
Greg Dyke stood for brave, independent BBC journalism that was fearless in its search for the truth. We are resolute that the BBC should not step back from its determination to investigate the facts in pursuit of the truth. Through his passion and integrity Greg Dyke inspired us to make programmes of the highest quality and creativity. We are dismayed by Greg's departure, but we are determined to maintain his achievements and his vision for an independent organization that serves the public above all else.
With all that being said, exonerating the Government annoyed a lot of folks in the media itself, particularly The Independent who's front page was basically empty except for a small headline in the middle that read "Whitewash? The Hutton Report". The Daily Mail, Britain's answer to Fox News, led with an editorial that included the statement "We're faced with the wretched spectacle of the BBC chairman resigning while Alastair Campbell crows from the summit of his dunghill. Does this verdict, my lord, serve the real interest of truth?". In fact outside of the pro-Labour and anti-BBC Times, almost every newspaper claimed the Hutton inquiry was a load of old bobbins.
And then the autopsy report of Kelly's death, presented to the Hutton Inquiry instead of an official inquest, came in to question. First off the two attending paramedics at the scene, Dave Bartlett and Vanessa Hunt, claimed that there was a distinct lack of blood in the area where Kelly's body was found. As reported in The Guardian, the pair stated that they found a small amount of blood on the surrounding plant life as well as a patch on his trousers about the size of a coin. They admitted they were surprised by this as they would have expected several pints of blood for a suicide involving an artery cut. However forensic pathologist Chris Milroy of Sheffield University disagreed, theorizing that the outdoor nature of the fatality would have meant that most of the blood would have seeped in to the ground.
The Guardian wasn't quite finished however, as it later printed a letter written by three senior doctors who suggested that the cut would not have caused enough blood loss to be fatal and that the amount of painkillers taken by Kelly would not normally have been enough to take one's own life. Then in a further letter to the British Medical Journal an epidemiologist named Dr. Rouse highlighted how rare an occurrence it was for a 59 year old man with no documented psychiatric history to slash their wrist in such a way.
Proving that this was the controversy that simply wouldn't go away on October 15 2007 it was revealed that the knife which Kelly was supposed to have used was found with no fingerprints on it after a request was made using the Freedom of Information Act. Then in December 2009 a group of six doctors started legal proceedings to bring forth an official inquiry in to his death. This was scuppered when Lord Hutton ordered that all files relating to the post-mortem remain secret for the next 70 years. The reason? Well there isn't one. At least not one that's been made public yet.
Which brings us to Boris Karpichkov (Gee Note: Who looks a bit like the love-child of Gollum and infamous British banker Nick Leeson).
Karpichkov is a former KGB spy who fled to Britain from Latvia in 1998. In a recent article in the Mail On Sunday he claimed that Kelly was bumped off by "shadowy figures in the intelligence community". Boris states that at the time he was working for Group Global Intelligence Services, a firm that apparently carries out detective work for corporations. During the period the firm was run by a chap named Peter Everett who allegedly is or was an operative for British intelligence outfit MI5. Karpichkov, as reported in the Mail On Sunday, claims that he and Everett had a conversation about
'He told me that it was extremely uncomfortable, inconsistent and unusual for Dr Kelly to slash his arm in the way he did. He would have lost some blood, but it would not have been fatal. He also claimed that it was not a coincidence that Special Branch officers were the ones who first appeared on the scene. They moved Dr Kelly's body to another location, changed the original position of his corpse and took away incriminating evidence. He added that the scene where Dr Kelly's body was found was carefully arranged and completely "washed out", including the destruction of all fingerprints. When I asked who was behind his death, he answered indirectly, saying the "competing firm", which I took to mean MI6.'
(Gee Note: Now I'm not sure what makes a good spy, but the ability to keep a secret is probably pretty high up on the list. I mean if Ian Flemming's novel Moonraker had kicked off with James Bond introducing himself to Hugo Drax by saying "Hello Mr. Drax. My name is James Bond and I'm a spy who's been sent to investigate your missile project and stop you from blowing up Britain." then it would have probably only been three pages long and would have ended with Bond being dipped in to a vat of boiling lava.).
So there we have it. Surely enough evidence that the government had David Kelly killed and then covered it up.
Except, and here's the thing, I don't buy it. Not one bit.
You see, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that Alastair Campbell had added the 45 minute claim to the dossier in question knowing full well it was a load of old bollocks. I wouldn't be shocked to find out that the government had pressured the MoD to release Kelly's name to the public. And it wouldn't rock my world to find out that Lord Hutton had skewed his report to absolve the government and the MoD of all responsibility just because he didn't want Joe Public thinking any less of elected officials, despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Because your government lies to you. They always have. They always will. Sometimes they're little white lies, such as telling you they're looking in to affordable housing when in reality they've already spent their entire budget on novelty paper weights for the office (Gee Note: You know, like those miniature magic 8-balls you can get? "Will I mishandle public money?" Shake shake shake. *All signs point to yes*). Sometimes they're huge whoppers, such as telling you they're bombing a country because they don't like the way it's dictator treats the public, rather than that they want to protect their oil interests. It's the way of the world. In fact those in power would probably tell you that it simply has to be that way just to stop the thronging masses degenerating in to chaos.
But, and think about this, would the British Prime Minister really order the execution of a 59 year old civil servant? A man they had already discredited in the press to the extent that, whatever his knowledge of events was, most thought it was just a storm in a tea cup? I mean it doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you think about it.
Now I don't know if David Kelly killed himself. How could I? Unless you're a doctor with a sterling reputation and you have access to every single shred of evidence then I guess you can't really have an informed opinion. And as it stands right now, all we have are inconsistencies and hearsay. Nothing more. Nothing less. Did David Kelly commit suicide? I honestly don't know. Did the government murder him? No. No they didn't. It really is that simple.
Case in point, does Uncle Sam and his cousin across the pond lie about their knowledge of the existence of UFOs? Yeah they probably do. If only because at some point they've been testing new flight technology and didn't want those goddam Russians to know about it. Was 9/11 an inside job? Well of course it wasn't, as anyone who isn't barking mad would agree. There's a massive difference between lying to the public and murdering your own civilians. And neither the American nor the British regimes are that bad, no matter how much you feel need to blame them for everything because your life sucks.
Still I will say one thing about the “Kelly Conspiracy”. I bet Ultimate Thor loves it.