Friday, 12 November 2010

Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in.

There's an advert on the box at the moment for Match.Com, an internet dating site. Basically it features two people, an impossibly good looking man and woman, knocking around in a music store. Then for reasons known only to himself the man picks up a guitar and starts to sing. In a butt clenchingly twee way the woman soon joins in.

Man: I like old movies.
Woman: Like Godfather 3.
Man: They say it's not the best one.
Woman: But that's just me.

They then smile knowingly and, thank Christ, the advert comes to a screeching halt before we are treated to the spectacle of them heading off to teddy bear land and wallowing in an overbearing sea of saccharine, dewy-eyed, nonsense.

Now this advert bothers me on a number of levels. For a start. The Godfather Part III is an unbelievably awful film with an indecipherable plot (Gee Note: Seriously. It's about corrupt monks or something. I don't know. If I'm honest I gave up caring halfway through), a collection of terrible performances, and a running time that would make Orson Welles cringe. It is the worst case of going to the well one too many times. and also happens to represent the official point where Francis Ford Coppola jumped the shark. After this cinematic monstrosity Frankie FC treated us to such wonders as Jack, The Rainmaker, and Youth Without Youth, all of which should be used as a form of torture on suspected terrorists.

So yeah, "Godfather 3" is a bad movie. Bad enough that no one with half a brain would take the time to sing a stupidly cheery song about it. Also, it isn't really that old. Metropolis is old. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is old. Nosferatu is old. The Godfather Part III was released in 1990 which means either Dullard McSingsong is confusing it with another movie entirely, or they have the attention span of a gnat. Which in turn means the message of this advert isn't "Come to Match.Com and meet your perfect partner". Instead it's "Come to Match.Com, and meet someone as stupid as you are". And that's not really a great sales technique, whatever anyone tells you.

Which is why when it comes to matters of the heart and other such important things, I don't leave it up to those chancers at Match.Com. No way Jose, I put my faith in Tara the online psychic.

You guys remember Tara right? No? You sure? She used to be a pretty regular feature on this 'ere web-ma-log. Well for those who don't, a while ago I signed up for an online tarot card reading, and since then Tara has been bombarding me with amazingly crazy emails designed to get me to send her my money. I reposted a couple here and then, thinking it had run it’s course, blocked her mails from arriving in my inbox.

Anyway at the back end of last week one of those blighters managed to sneak through and, rather than delete it straight away, I decided to read it for old time's sake. And then I laughed. And then I decided to repost it here. I know, I know. Really. There's no need to thank me.



Late last night I was stretched out peacefully on my couch, thinking of you (Gee Note: Really? Aw shucks. You'll make me blush) and a few other people (Gee Note: Wait. What? Other people? OTHER PEOPLE?!?!? You… you Jezebel, you. My mother warned me about women like you. And also that you shouldn't stick a fork in to a toaster no matter how much you think it deserves it. Sound advice really.)  who recently asked for my help, when suddenly something very strange happened.

I can’t explain why, but I felt an irresistible impulse to enter into telepathic contact with you as soon as possible, Gareth. (Gee Note: That's OK. I get irresistible impulses all the time. Although to be fair mine are more along the lines of "make bacon sandwich" or " wear hat". Not "mind rape someone". But then each to their own I guess).

I sat down at my worktable and did a psychic session for you. Contact was established almost immediately, and the visions I had about the way your life is unfolding were incredibly clear. (Gee Note: That's what you get when you upgrade to HD. That and an urge to watch boring sporting events on the telly just because you can now see them in crystal clear detail. Seriously the other day I ended up watching lawn bowling for seven straight hours. Lawn bowling. For seven hours. It's like I skipped middle age and went straight in to the "retired and really have nothing better to do" phase).

It was like watching a movie of your life! (Gee Note: Wow, what a belting movie that would be. I can see the promotional pitch now "It was a time of heroes. It was a time of war. It was a time when one man decided to sit on his fat ass all day long and watch old people roll balls on some grass for no good reason". Also do I get any input on casting? Because if I do I demand that Warwick Davis play me and that The Future-Ex Mrs. Davies is played by Jennifer Love Hewitt. The screen will simply fizzle with chemistry).

I could see all the difficulties you’ve been dealing with, all the bad news you’ve been getting, all the disappointments and delays you’ve had to face in the most important areas of your life. I clearly saw the bad choices you made, the errors you committed in the past that today are forcing you to deprive yourself of almost everything, and count every penny. (Gee Note: What the f*** lady? "Bad choices"? OK, admittedly investing the family fortune in a 5,000,000 pairs of clown shoes didn't exactly return a windfall straight away. But when Lady Gaga wears some to the VMA’s and they become a hot fashion item, we'll see who's laughing then). 

But I can say with great certainty that for you, Gareth, the end of the tunnel is near. This is an important moment in your life. You could obtain everything your heart desires. (Gee Note: Mmmm. Bacon).

I have to warn you, Gareth. The harmful environment you’re in now could still bring bad luck, and annihilate the enormous potential that is being offered to you now.  You have to get rid of the harmful presence blocking your Destiny once and for all. It’s been opposing your happiness for a long time now, and I’m sure you’ve noticed it.  (Gee Note: Oh noes. A harmful presence blocking my density. What would George McFly do? Well, he'd punch someone in the mouth obviously. So that's what I'm going to do. Punch the next person I see in the mouth. Problem solved).

A while ago you were on the verge of solving most of your problems, but despite your efforts things turned against you. I can tell you that it was your psychic enemy, trying to make things even worse for you.  (Gee Note: "A psychic enemy"? You do know I'm not a member of the X-Men right? Not that I haven't tried you understand. I even bought myself a full body spandex suit and a cape to wear while fighting crime. Alas the first time I wore it I caught my foot on my front doorstep, which caused me to fall over and scrape my knee. I decided to give up after that point. Super heroes who exclaim loudly "But it really realllllly hurts!" with tears in their eyes are less than impressive it turns out.).

Among the people you know, someone is very bitter towards you, and is sending you a lot of very negative thoughts, full of rancour and pessimism, jealousy and bad luck. (Gee Note: Sigh. I can't imagine why. I mean you wouldn't believe the number of times I've told people not to hate me because I'm beautiful).

A case like yours requires exceptional measures. I’m going to tell you about a secret that will enable you to put an end to your problems and turn things completely in your favor:

The Secret of the "Hand of Power" (Gee Note: Not to be confused with "The Foot of Danger". Which looks like a perfectly normal foot until you feed it after midnight. Then it becomes a right bastard).

I have decided, Gareth, to perform the Hand of Power Ritual for you. (Gee Note: You know the last time I paid a woman to do something with her hand for me was… er… nevermind).

The ceremony belongs to an ancient tradition, and its secret has been kept in my family for generations. The Ritual is transmitted only after long initiation and much effort. My grandfather taught it to me, and showed me many times, and in very concrete ways, how it could really transform the lives of people in trouble. (Gee Note: My grandfather taught me how to putt golf balls. Because, you know, he wasn't bonkers).

Those who have already benefited from the Hand of Power Ritual have all seen their most pressing problems resolved, even those they’d given up hope on. These people were often in very desperate situations. (Gee Note:  "Dear Tara. My name is John and I'm stuck on a raft in the middle of pacific ocean. All my shipmates have been eaten by sharks and I can see their fins circling me as we speak. Could you be a dear and perform a hand of thingy ritual for me. Or alternatively, ALERT THE F***ING COASTGUARD!!! Regards. John". Speaking of which did you know that Dick Van Dyke was once rescued at sea by a group of porpoises? No really. Just like Adam West's Batman. Except Van Dyke wasn't tied up with a young boy dressed in tights at the time. At least not according to the stern letter I got from his lawyers when I self published my book "Dick Van Dyke: What you didn't know". ).

Since my initiation I’ve helped many people, most of whom were in a more precarious and complex situation than you’re in now. I did it by performing the Hand of Power Ritual on their behalf. Almost all of them were surprised to see a "miracle" take place in their lives: in less than a month, their terrible problems had been transformed into incredible happiness. (Gee Note: Almost all of them huh? You mean there were some not surprised by a miracle happening in their life? Now as far as I can work out that means one of two things. Either a miracle didn't happen in the first place. Or it happened to someone for whom a miracle is no big thing. Which, unless you happen to be Jesus, is probably unlikely. Although thinking about it, it would be pretty great if Jesus and Tara had a Miracle-Off. Hell put them in a ring, throw in a couple of card carrying women, add some pyrotechnics, and I'd definitely buy that Pay Per View).

What you need to do now is very simple. When you finish reading, place your left hand on your computer screen to trigger the Hand of Power. 

Now we’re getting to the heart of the secret! (Gee Note: Shit just got REAL!) Here’s what’s going to happen: keeping your left hand flat against the computer screen, you’re going to ask that your three most cherished wishes be granted. (Gee Note: Wish number one. Can I take my hand off the screen now please? I'm in a library and guy sitting opposite is looking at me funny).

First Wish: Think hard about how much money you’d need to solve your immediate problems. Visualize what you’d do once you have it. (Gee Note: Hire a mariachi band to play music whenever I walk into a room.)

Second Wish: Concentrate on your love life. According to your situation (either as part of a couple or on your own) imagine yourself finding true love, or seeing your relationship drastically improve. Feel the happiness it brings you, and know that the skies over your future are clear. (Gee Note: Hmm. Now that I think about it, The Future-Ex Mrs. Davies could do with wearing less clothes around the house. I mean sure it's cold in the evenings now, but is that really an excuse not to wear a bikini to the dinner table? What do you mean you feel warmer in your jumper? Well la-di-dah your majesty.)

Third Wish: Concentrate on a flow of Luck entering your life. See yourself playing money games where you keep winning huge jackpots. Then visualize yourself spending your winnings on things that give you pleasure.  (Gee Note: If I was a recovering gambling addict, I'm pretty sure this advice wouldn't help).

Through the psychic connection between your hand and the computer screen, I’ll be able to pick up your personal vibrations, charged with all the things that are dearest to your heart.  Then, when I perform the Hand of Power Ritual on your behalf, your vibrations will enable me to have extremely precise "psychic flashes", revealing the crucial events in your future in startling detail.  (Gee Note: You know the last time I paid a woman to pick up my personal vibrations I was... er... nevermind).

Think what your life will be like when you’re able to attract Luck like honey attracts a bee, without even having to do anything special!  (Gee Note: Erm. Honey doesn't attract bees. Flowers do. Honey attracts Grizzly Bears. Easy mistake to make though. I've often put out a jam jar out on a warm summer's day to catch bees only to find a bloody great big deadly predator stuck in it).

Although it seems so simple, it will mark the beginning of your new life, and a lead to a180 degree turn in your fortunes. You’ll find the answers you’ve been seeking for so long in vain, and the things you have to do to finally become the person of your dreams: a person who is incredibly Lucky and profoundly happy. (Gee Note: And also a famous rapper. Because I've got great rhymes. No really. “Yo man I'm like a cyclone. I've got an internal skeleton made out of bone”. I'm just waiting for my big break. Simon Cowell should totally sign me up)

Don’t hesitate. Your happiness is there, waiting for you, and the sooner you answer me, the sooner you’ll taste it.  I’ll be waiting to hear from you, Gareth. (Gee Note: You know when you have one of those awkward first dates? Ones where you've had a horrible time and the other person goes “you're going to call me right?”, and you go “Oh yeah. Sure I will” when deep down you know that you'd rather call a baboon with a flatulence problem? Well... sure I'll be in touch Tara).




And there you have it. Now you may think that placing your hand on the screen and wishing for your life to turn around is crazy. And you're right. It is.

But, really, is it any crazier that trying to impress people by singing about rubbish films?

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