Friday, 1 April 2011

Florence The Mystic Wonder Hippo.

Hiya! My name’s Florence and I’m a psychic medium! I’m also a large semi-aquatic mammal weighing in excess of one and half tons! I’m so excited that I’ve been given an opportunity to share my gift with you. In fact when I was told I would be doing a guest spot on “I Saw Elvis In The Woods” I nearly snorted mud all over the hippo in front of me. Which I’m sure would have made them very grumpy!

Ever since I discovered that I could contact the spirit world I’ve been trying to think of ways to help people. That’s when I decided to charge people a small fee for telling them their grandmother is proud of them.  Seeing the joy in people’s faces on receiving such news makes it all worth it. That and the 50 pounds for half an hour’s work!

Anyway I’m here to answer any questions you may have, with a little help from my (dead) friends! If you have a question, feel free to leave a comment or mail it to me at

Let’s dip in to the mailbag shall we?

Dear Florence, 

I am a middle aged woman who recently started dating an older man. He’s kind and gentle and really gets me. Also our love life is amazing! The only problem is I think he wants something more while I’m quite happy where we are. I really like him but I’m afraid I might lose him if I tell him I’m not ready for anything serious. I also don’t want to be pressured in to doing something I won't be comfortable with. What should I do?

Leslie, Wathington-On-Kettle

Dear Leslie,

I have spoken to spirit and they’ve confirmed what I already suspected. Your man is nothing more than a psychopathic killer, intent on harvesting your organs under the pretence of a romantic weekend away! My advice would be to get out while you can! Or better yet perform a citizen’s arrest and use the reward money to do something you’ve always wanted. Maybe that trip to Egypt you’ve talked about for years!

Dear Florence, 

I’m a stay at home mum with a teenage son. Recently he’s been acting strangely, dressing all in black, telling me to “suck it”, writing poetry about how rubbish the world is. He used to be such a bright and bubbly little boy! Is this just an adolescent acting out, or is something more sinister going on? Is my son possessed? 

Charlene, Basingcake-upon-Summat

Dear Charlene,

Your son isn’t possessed, nor is this just a result of those pesky teenage hormones. After consulting with mystical energies it has been revealed to me that your son is dabbling in dark magical practices. I don’t mean to alarm you but this can be very dangerous. Not just to him but also for those close to him. My advice would be to make a cup of weak green tea, sit your son down, and have a nice long chat about it. Make sure you calmly explain how what he is doing may seem “cool” and “groovy” but it will surely end in disaster! If that doesn’t work then there really is no hope for the boy. In which case, instead of dealing with the headache of having a Warlock son, sell him as a slave to Somali pirates and put the money towards that holiday in Egypt you’ve been dreaming about!

Dear Florence, 

I have a pet hamster named Steve. Normally Steve would love nothing more than to be let out of his cage and run for his life as I chase him around the living room with the hoover. Recently however Steve has become very lethargic, and the other day it took me over two hours to extract his paw from the nozzle. Is Steve ill or in pain? Should I take him to the vet? 

Barry, Cardiff 

Dear Barry, 

Having psychically contacted Steve the first thing he wanted you to know is that he loves you very much. Also that the new carpet cleaner you have makes his nose itch. Secondly Steve is perfectly fine physically. Mentally it’s a completely different story! Alas Steve is in what you would refer to as a “funk”. The novel he’s been working on hasn’t panned out the way he wanted, and even his daily routine of desperately avoiding death by suction has failed to lift his gloom. Rather than take him to the vet maybe you should try brightening his mood. Play some uplifting music around the house! Place some colourful flowers or balloons near his cage! A little TLC and before you know it Steve will be as right as mud. Maybe a change of scenery would do the trick? Steve suggests a warmer climate with a big river and some pyramids.

If you have a question, if no-one else can help, and if you have way too much time on your hands why not drop Florence a line? She can be reached at

1 comment:

Scumbag Sam said...

Hahahahahahahahahah*takes breath* aaaahahahahahaahah! :D