Saturday, 21 May 2011

Judgement Day - Live

The end is nigh.

Or, you know, not.

Meet Harold Camping. Camping, 89, is the head of the Family Radio Church and has recently made headlines around the world claiming today is the start of the rapture. For those not familiar with the concept of the rapture, it’s the part of the Bible which goes "And the Lord said 'Eckie thump! I've made a right tits up of this and no mistake! Well there's only one thing to do. Rip it all up and start all over again. Now where did I put my safety goggles?'." According to Camping an earthquake will travel across the world at 6pm local time where ever you live, one of such magnitude it'll make the recent Japanese tremor look like a fat kid shaking a snow globe. At that point the dead will rise and all sorts of horrible crap will continue to happen until the Earth finally goes cablooey on October 21st.

photo via

On the other hand, it might not happen at all. Still not to miss out on potentially one of the biggest stories ever I've decided to do a live blog covering the events of the day in realtime. I know. I'm amazing. I'm like Clark Kent or something.

12:48 21/05/2011

Just woke up. New Zealand isn't covered in rubble despite the fact that 6pm for them was several hours ago, nor are zombies shuffling across the landscape like Frodo Baggins. In fact Auckland reports business as usual. (Gee Note: "These sheep won't herd themselves!" said Jack McStereotype). Apparently there was an earthquake that hit Christmas Island at around 6.31pm local time (Gee Note: Ironic because Christ is the son of God and Christmas is named… well you can see where I'm going with this) but came in at a measly 2.5 on the scale. According to them in the know, this kind of thing happens all the time. It's not uncommon to have 30 to 40 earthquakes measuring more that 2.5 worldwide every day, say the boffins. So as it stands right now the prediction of the end of the world is looking mighty silly. Which is good. There's an episode of Doctor Who on tonight that I really want to see.

13:42 21/05/2011

Huh. Reports are stating that Harry made the same prediction in 1994 by using some wacky way of adding up all the numbers in the Bible together. When that didn't come true he blamed the whole fiasco on a "mathematical error". I'm not one to judge but maybe he should think about investing in a scientific calculator? They really are marvellous. They have words like "sin", "cos", and "tan" on them. Plus, TT, which looks a bit like the pillars in Stonehenge. I have no idea what any of those things do but they all look jolly clever.

13:51 21/05/2011

Of course, the last time I actually used a scientific calculator was in school. By the way has anyone ever used Pythagoras' theorem in a practical way? Oh sure it's all sorts of showy offy smart. But if you can be arsed to measure two sides of a triangle why not just cut to the chase and measure the third one? Doesn't make sense not to.

14:26 21/05/2011

You know Arnold Swarchz Schwarzenegger is probably the only person on the planet who would be preeeety relieved if the world ended today.

14:52 21/05/2011

A lot of news websites are leading with the headline "World fails to end". Which is a bit like going with "Ducks aren't likely to make good nuclear scientists".

15:00 21/05/2011

Tenuous end of the world analogy part 1: Taken from the

"AMID ALL OF the laughter and pooh-poohing, there always remained a hardcore element of devout worshippers who maintained that 21 May 2011 would be a date of some significance.

For those Leinster rugby fans who have made the pilgrimage to Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium, the hope is that today will not signify the end of days which Harold Camping and his followers have predicted but the dawn of a bright new era."

15:10 21/05/2011

Tenuous end of the world analogy part 2: Taken from

It’s pure R.A.pture for knuckleballer

The end of the world will have to wait, as far as R.A. Dickey is concerned.

After a horrid stretch, the knuckleballer last night regained his 2010 form, helping the Mets draw first blood in this year’s Subway Series.

15:34 21/05/2011

Someone somewhere right now is shouting "I told you so" while standing next to a Mayan Calender.

16:18 21/05/2011

"End of World Confessions" is a topic trending on Twitter at the moment. Sadly most of those are along the lines of "I love Justin Bieber!!!". Suddenly the destruction of the earth has its good points.

16:39 21/05/2011

Harold Camping's website hasn't been updated yet. I think a short message along the lines of "Aaaah. GOTCHA!!!!" would suffice.

17:01 21/05/2011

Me: "Ooo. It's the end of the world in France right now. I wonder how they're dealing with it?"

A-typical 70's British sitcom: "Probably eating cheese and surrendering".

17:08 21/05/2011

Amazing get rich quick scheme part 1:

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 26 states, employing 40 pet rescuers. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet's natural life.

Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals. [Please note: we can now offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in NH,VT, ID and MT ]

(Gee Note: OK. One question. Who the f*** keeps a camel as a pet?)

17:41 21/05/2011

Less than twenty minutes to go until a tremendous force flings the dead from their graves like they were Lindsey Lohan trying to enter a VIP room.

17:59 21/05/2011

Currently standing in a doorway just in case. It's the best thing to do during an earthquake. I saw it on the telly once. "How to look good surviving the apocalypse".

18:01 21/05/2011

Remember that scene from The Dark Knight when The Joker tries to blow up the hospital? You know the bit where he presses the button on the remote and nothing happens? Well, either God has Joker's remote or this whole doomsday thing is a dud.

19:03 21/05/2011

It's been over an hour now and not so much as the slightest tremor. Which means that unless something completely bezerk happens the world is safe for now. And depending on how you look at it, this mess can be viewed in a couple of ways. Staunch atheists can celebrate in the knowledge that there is no God. Believers can relax in the knowledge that God exists, and that he's a sort of mellow chap and not a globe destroying lunatic after all. The rest of us, the great undecided, can look at today as a new dawn. The first day of the rest of our lives. So do something different and wonderful today if you can, even if it's only the tiniest thing. Me, I'm going down the pub to share a beer or two with friends, some I haven't seen in too long.

If you were one of those that was convinced judgement day would land today then please, for the love of all that is Holy, don't be too down about this afternoon's lack of zombies and what not.

After all, it's not the end of the world.

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