Friday, 10 June 2011

Dear Florence.

Hiya! My name’s Florence and I’m a psychic medium! I’m also a large semi-aquatic mammal weighing in excess of one and half tons! I’m so excited to be able to share my gift with you all once again. In fact, since my last column my inbox has gone crazy. I've had over four emails in the past month alone! One of them from the Prince of Nigeria himself! Sadly he has apparently got in to a spot of financial bother and wanted yours truly to give him a helping hand. Of course I had to reply back telling him that, as I'm a hippo, I don't actually have a bank account that he'd be able to store money in. But it was nice of him to think of me in his time of need, and that his grandmother wanted to me to tell him that his financial woes will soon pass!

Anyway I’m here to answer any questions you may have, with a little help from my (dead) friends! If you have a question, feel free mail it to me at

Let’s dip in to the mailbag shall we?

Dear Florence,

My husband Peter passed away six months ago after being crushed by an unusually large turnip. His funeral was a small affair, but I was surprised to see his estranged brother Frank there paying his respects. The two had a falling out some years back about the correct way to tie shoelaces and hadn't spoken a word to each other since. Frank and I got to talking and we soon discovered that we had a lot in common (my dead husband for example).  We kept in touch and were soon meeting for drinks or dinner on a weekly basis. Then a fortnight ago Frank and I spent the night together, and since then we've been inseparable, I'm really enjoying this relationship with Frank but I'm worried about Peter. I want to make sure he approves of Frank and me dating.

Margaret, Dudley-upon-Wetbury

Dear Margaret,

When our spirits make the great voyage to the other side, the loved ones we leave behind can feel lost and confused, and may find comfort in the strangest of places. Spirits understand this and are normally content that their partners or family members have found happiness without them. Except for Peter, who is rather miffed that you’ve been letting his brother bang you like a big bass drum! Especially considering Frank suffers from their family’s hereditary hairy back problem more than anyone! In fact his is so upset he has sworn revenge on both of you and is plotting to haunt both your houses until he drives you mad. My advice would be to give Peter time to calm down by taking a long trip abroad. Maybe get Frank to take you on that holiday to Egypt you could never convince Peter to go on?

Dear Florence,

Three weeks ago my wife left me for another man. Then my dog died. The bedsit I was staying at burnt to the ground. And I blew all my remaining money on a horse that I was told was dead cert, only for it fall over six seconds in to the race and break its leg. Then they shot the horse.  Is there anything to look forward to on my horizon?

Simon, Parlington-On-Fessingstoke

Dear Simon,

Oh my! What a rough time you’ve been having! The last time I heard such a tale of woe was during the infamous mud drought of ’94. Not a fun time for us hippos let me tell you. Anyway, I have consulted my astral chart projections and found that to change your fortunes you must first change the way you look at things. Start thinking positively and positive things will happen! Instead of looking at glass as half empty, look at it as half full. Even if there’s nothing in it! Also try to learn how to relax more. A friend of mine told about an interesting plant that you can warm up and will make you feel calm and “floaty”. Apparently there’s a plentiful supply of it in the cities of Egypt, where it is sold on street corners by nice men. Maybe a trip is in order?

Dear Florence,

My pet snake Suzie recently died after a house guest mistook her for a neck tie. I was so angry I threw them out of my house and haven’t spoken to them since. Is it right to hold a grudge for what was an honest mistake? Also does Suzie have any regrets about her short amount of time here?

Dawn, Cardiff

Dear Dawn,

First off I can sense a lot of guilt in you over how Suzie carried over to the other side. Suzie wants to let you know that you shouldn’t feel guilty as she was pretty tired with life anyway! In fact only days before the accident Suzie had been eyeing up a bottle of Xanax and a case of wine as a potential way to end it all. If it wasn’t for her lack of hands preventing her from working the bottle opener properly she may very well have succeeded! As it happens it was her who decided to hang from the tie rack that day in the hope your house guest would make the mistake they did. She even starting hissing things like “I’m a tie”, and “Wouldn’t I compliment that shirt you’re wearing today?”.  She says please don’t hold a grudge against your guest as it was what she wanted all along!

Suzie says her one major regret was never completing her lifelong dream of visiting interesting countries in alphabetical order, as she only made it as far as Denmark. Maybe a nice way of remembering Suzie would be to carry her ashes to the next country on the list? One that begins with “E”, and maybe has a big river and some Pyramids. She really likes those things!

If you have a question, if no-one else can help, and if you have way too much time on your hands why not drop Florence a line? She can be reached at

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