Monday, 29 August 2011

I hope your memory will be very kind to us.

Life is a funny old thing. Or it is if you happen to be Noel Edmonds. Noel Edmonds was once the King of the airwaves here in Blighty. In fact there was a period when everything Edmonds touched turned to gold. His Saturday evening TV show "Noel's House Party" would routinely attract 18 million viewers, a number unheard of at the time. Characters he created such as "Mr. Blobby" became pop culture icons. House Party branded lunchboxes, towels, and even theme parks were sold in bucket loads to the masses. Heck so popular was our Noel that he managed to bag the Christmas number one with arguably the worst song released since… um... with the worst song ever released. No really. Take a look.

(Gee Note: Congratulations if you made it to the end of that by the way. I got about half way through before the urge to set fire to my laptop was so strong I had to walk away and make myself a cup of tea. Honestly the worst thing about this, outside of the fact that it makes pouring sulphuric acid in to your ears and plunging a scorching hot branding iron in to your eyes seem like a pleasant alternative to having to listen to the chorus, is that it got to number one in the UK singles chart not once but TWICE. No. No I am not shitting you. On two separate occasions this was deemed to be the most popular song in Britain. Now I love my country, and I'm very proud of my heritage, but I can't help but think that every once in a while Godzilla should be let loose in the Cotswolds or something just to ensure stuff like this doesn't happen.)

But then in early 1999 the wheels fell off the wagon. Viewing figures dropped, the theme parks closed, and the sales of Mr Blobby dolls came to a screeching halt. What was once deemed to be great Saturday night entertainment by the UK audience was now judged to be nothing more than cheesy, bottom of the barrel, drivel. Almost overnight Edmonds had become an embarrassment to the BBC. So much so that the decision was made to pay Noel the remainder of his contract, some £1.8 million, on the understanding that Edmonds stay at home and not appear on television until his deal expired. House Party was taken off the air, and all the rest of Edmonds' projects were cancelled. With no job, no prospect of getting a job, and the stigma of being so publically discarded by his employer of 30 years hanging over him, you could have stuck a fork in poor Noel. He was done.

Fast forward to the year 2005 and something amazing happened. So amazing it made children gasp and elder folk lower their newspapers and say things like "Gosh" and "I say". For the year 2005 was when Noel Edmonds, like a tiny bearded phoenix, climbed back to the top of the TV mountain. If by "TV mountain" you mean "fronting new Channel Four game show Deal Or No Deal" that is. Even more amazing - considering it's a programme based around being really lucky - the show was a hit, attracting around 5 million eyeballs an episode. Which was almost five times more than Channel Four executives had predicted. Of course Edmonds was over the moon, but more importantly he felt vindicated. No longer was he the punching bag of tabloid journalists and late night television exposés. He was Noel F***ing Edmonds dammit! And this time he was back and bigger than ever. Since then Deal Or No Deal has gone from strength to strength and has become one of Channel Four's most prized properties.

So how did he do it? How did a man who spent six years in the great big television wilderness bag such a lucrative role? Did he reinvent himself for a modern audience? Did his agent bust a gut to get him something, anything, that paid and he just got lucky? Did he take photos of television producers in compromising positions with farmyard animals and threaten to take them to the press?

Well, it was none of the above (Gee Note: Although pictures of producers swapping bodily fluids with pigs would certainly explain why Katie Price is still on the air). According to Edmonds he simply Cosmic Ordered himself a new show. "I said I wanted a hit show; it had to be something my girls would watch; and I wanted it by October." he told a journalist from the Observer. "I got the call about Deal or No Deal in August.". Since then Edmonds has placed six Cosmic Orders and all of them have been successful. In fact so impressed by this was he that two years ago he launched a "Cosmic Ordering" app for the iPhone.

For those not familiar with Cosmic Ordering allow me to explain. Or better yet allow the Cosmic Ordering website to explain. Because according to them…

Cosmic Ordering harnesses the power of positive thinking and the creative energy of our thoughts to manifest whatever we desire. There are no limits, you can ask for anything, a new love or a new house, money or wealth, health or healing... whatever you desire can be yours. The only demand is that you be positive, be open and be at ease, requesting your cosmic order without worry or attachment to the outcome.

Now it used to be case back in Robert Johnson's day that you could only get what you wanted without having to work hard for it by making a deal with the Devil. However like any open market people worked out after a while that the whole "burning in Hell for all eternity" was a major drawback with Satan's business plan (Gee Note: Could you imagine if he took it on to Dragon's Den? Duncan Bannatyne would say something like "I don't think you've really thought this through, I mean I'm looking at this and I'm thinking to myself "Who would agree to this?". I think your entire pitch is a shambles. And for that reason I'm out". And then The Devil would shoot Duncan Bannatyne with lasers from his eyes reducing him to pile of smouldering ash, the world would rejoice, and Satan having accidentally done something for the greater good for once will realise that he's nullified his entire reason for existing and cease to be. Possibly with a small puff of smoke. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that we'd all be winners here). And so instead of receiving several lifetimes’ worth of being poked in the bum by a little imp carrying a pitchfork, with Cosmic Ordering you think happy thoughts and what you want gets delivered right to you. Simple really.

"Hmm. You know I could do with a new washing machine. This one is starting to show some wear and tear. Or sure it'll wash clothes fine. But it's starting to make a cranking noise that scares the dog. I guess I could ask the universe for a new one. So tell me oh fat ginger man, how do I place my cosmic order?" I hear you cry. Well luckily there's a guide on the Cosmic Ordering website. Which I'll reprint here. Because A) I know you're very busy tending to your emotionally unstable dog and B) It'll give me an excuse to write snarky comments as we go. It’s in the form of "Seven principles" which help “ensure" the success of your order. Exciting isn't it?

7 Principles of Cosmic Ordering

#1 Decide What You Want

This is perhaps the most challenging part of the process, knowing what you really want and never has the term "be careful what you wish for... You might get it!" been more relevant. (Gee Note: I want a classic Megadeth T-Shirt from their '87 North American tour… wait… or was that Metallica? Shit. Can I start over?)

#2 Make Your Orders Positive

Make your orders positive, present tense and personal. This is very important, avoid negative words like not and no, instead try to phrase your request positively in terms of the things you want. Keep your orders personal to yourself, order only beneficial things. Placing hateful, negative or vengeful orders are likely to backfire, so keep your orders coming from a loving place of the heart. (Gee Note: "Dear Jim Cosmos. Please please please could you fix it for me so that a piano lands on Perez Hilton's head from a great height? I understand he enjoys music and… er… being really high up and so this I think would be a perfect gift for him." See? No need to be negative at all).

#3 Order In the way that works for YOU

To each, their own. Every person is unique and each person has a different sense of their connection to the Universe. Place your orders in any way that suits you. Many people like some ritual or other mood to accompany and empower their orders. Do whatever is right for you. (Gee Note: Kick a midget perhaps? Or decapitate a cow while singing Frank Sinatra tunes backwards? Whatever you feel is right).

#4 Trust the Process.

Trust the process of Cosmic ordering. It is often best to start with simple orders, like a parking space or something similar until you build sufficient trust and understanding of the process. Part of this is letting go and leaving the Cosmos to deliver your order in the best possible way and at the perfect moment for you. It is in our nature that we try to control everything around us, but it is important not to be too prescriptive as to HOW our order is going to be delivered and relaxed about the timeline. If we attempt to, we simply interfere and restrict the creative possibilities open to the Universe to deliver our order. (Gee Note: Now close your eyes and start to drift off. Ignore the feeling you get that someone is reaching in your trouser pocket for your wallet. You can't control everything you know? Just let it go. Let it all go. And drift away… away… away…)

#5 Trust your Inner Wisdom

Allow your inner wisdom to guide you in your choices. Trust yourself to place the perfect order for yourself one that states what you want and perhaps when you think you might want it delivered. But an order that strikes the right balance between action and allowing. You must allow the Universe to bring you your order, this means letting go of all anxiety and holding complete belief that the Cosmos will deliver for you, but at the same time being open, aware and ready to take the opportunities that the universe may bring you as part of its delivery. (Gee Note: So say, for example, you order a cute Dalmatian puppy. Then if the next day a giant anaconda that has recently ingested a Dalmatian puppy turns up on your doorstep it means that - BOOM - your cosmic order has arrived. And that your inner self really wanted an anaconda and not a stupid puppy after all. Either that or it means it's probably time to move away from that snake infested swamp where dogs keep on disappearing).

#6 You Deserve It

You deserve to have a wonderful life, believe it, live it. The universe is infinitely abundant and we all deserve our good. Accept that you deserve good things; if you cannot bring yourself to believe that you deserve good things, it becomes difficult to ask for them with an open and honest heart. Whilst the words of your Cosmic Order might say "I have a beautiful car!", your thoughts might be "I don't deserve it." ... that message is your true belief and that is what the Cosmos will deliver. When you place your order, know that you do deserve it. (Gee Note: Yeah! You're right. I do deserve nice things. That's why I'm breaking up with my fiancée and heading to LA right now. You hear me Jennifer Love Hewitt? I DESERVE YOU. No matter what that "court order" says. Court order schmourt order. I've got the entire freakin' universe on my side with this one. Your ass is mine,)

#7 Acknowledge Your Successes

Feel gratitude when your Orders are delivered, recognise the amazing power of the process. Even if you suspect that your delivery may just have been a coincidence, recognize also that what you requested WAS delivered. Recognising and rejoicing in your ordering success will serve to reinforce your belief and therefore the success of your future orders! (Gee Note: Wow. OK so guys, I really wanted a pizza and so I asked the universe for one. And then I went to another site and there was an advert for Pizza Hut! So I clicked on it and it said they delivered! Get it?!? Just like I was waiting for my pizza to be "delivered" by the universe! So I was like, "OMG this can't be real!!!" and I ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut and then 30 minutes there was this dude at my place with my pizza! This cosmic order thing is too awesome!!!!).

If you're still unsure (Gee Note: Although after that tour de force how could you be?) then there's some testimonials on the site that might just sway you once for all. Such as:

Thank you to the Cosmos!

I would like to thank the Cosmos for delivering some of my earlier orders - my grandchildren are much happier now & leading happy healthy lives.

(Gee Note: I presume her grandchildren were working down a mine but have now found employment on an oil rig. Thumbs up).

Course Results!

Would like to thank the Cosmos for the help my daughter received. She obtained the course she wanted with no problems at college despite her grades.

(Gee Note: Wait. What? "Despite her grades"? I'm not so sure you should be all that happy about this.)

I am touched....this really works...!

Thank you Dear Universe for granting me my wish.

I had ordered for a car parking space to be allotted to me in April. My delivery date was 1st June. After placing the order I completely forgot about it. And out of the blue, there was a vacant stilt available for me at reasonable expense.

I am Soooooo amazed and Sooooooooo very thankful to the universe. This has reaffirmed my faith in the Universe. Trust me....the universe... hears you.....actually.. :-)

(Gee Note: And the universe said "Dude. You think a car parking space is special? You should see this black hole I just created. Shit will blow your mind").

Sold yet? I know I am. In fact I'm placing my Cosmic Order right now. Of course I'm not going to tell you what it's for….

Oh go on then. As it's you. You see it's that time of year again when The Wales Blog Awards roll around. Now last year I entered this here web-ma-doogle in to the "Best Writing" category (Gee Note: Ironic I know) and, well, got overlooked because the entire competition is a sham! Either that or there are about a thousand better blogs in Wales than this one. Anyway this year I've entered it again. And this time I will succeed. In fact it's a lock I'll make the shortlist. Because I have something those other bloggers don't have. I have the power of the Cosmos with me,

It can't fail. Just ask TV's Noel Edmonds.

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