Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey!

Nicolas Cage is pretty crazy.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Nicolas Cage. I like that he named his son Kal-El after Superman (Gee Note: Although, let's be honest, with a name like that it will be a miracle if Kal-El Cage doesn't grow up to be a heroin addict. Which is why I called my daughter something sensible. I don’t want a child of mine growing up all wrong. No siree. Not my little Megatron Davies). I like the fact he's blown all of his money on big houses and dinosaur bones, and is now at the top of the Inland Revenue's hit list. I like the fact that he's considered a terrible actor even though he was fantastic in Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas. I even like the remake of The Wicker Man, largely because of this YouTube video.

(Gee Note: Did you see that? He punched a woman in the face while dressed as a bear! A BEAR! How this movie isn't considered an all-time great I'll never know).

But even the most ardent Cage supporters would agree that he's a wee bit eccentric. The way he refuses to eat animals that in his opinion don't have sex the right way (Gee Note: Notice I use the term "his opinion". Personally I think that the way that warthogs make love is the most tender and caring in all of nature). The way he says things like "I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther." in interviews and expects other people to understand him. The fact that even though he owes the IRS around $14 million he still found enough spare cash to buy himself a pyramid tomb in May 2010.  No really.  A pryamid tomb. Just so he can be laid to rest like a Egyptian prince. Which, when you consider you could probably knock up a decent pyramid using empty egg boxes and a tube of No More Nails, was probably a bit of a waste of money.

However the strangest thing about Nic Cage's tomb is that it's basically redundant. Because rumour has it that our dear Nicolas is immortal.

Now before you start shouting at me through your monitor (Gee Note: Which is a bit pointless because I can't hear you. But, you know, whatever gets you through the day I guess. Me? I like yelling at the Dominos website. I'll say something like 'SAUSAGE!!!" in my best Brian Blessed voice and then try and click the mouse and keyboard in as subtle a way possible. That way when the pizza arrives anyone who is watching me will think I can use only my words to control electromagnetic waves and make them do my bidding. And they'll be all like "Wow. Have you seen that guy? He's a super hero or something". And I'll be all like "No. No. I'm just a regular guy.". But they'll think that's just false modesty and they'll bring me money. And cake. And one day I'll be made King of the known universe and have my breakfast made for me every morning by Michel Roux Jnr and a cyborg named Doris. Anyway, I digress…) the whole Nicolas Cage is immortal thing isn't something I've made up.

Heck no daddio, this is all the work of Jack Mord. Mord, an antiques dealer from Seattle, Washington was flicking through some photos the other day and thought “My, that looks exactly like Nicolas Cage.” Now had this been a copy of OK Magazine or a DVD found at the bottom of the bargain bin (Gee Note: Zing!) then he wouldn’t have thought much of it. However this photo was amongst a collection of civil war memorabilia which Mord had dated at around 140 years old. And the more Jack looked at the picture the more convinced he became that the person he was staring at was in fact Cage himself. 

As quick as a flash Jack did exactly what any sane person in the same situation would do. He (Gee Note: Invited his friends around to get stoned and watch Yellow Submarine again while passing the photo around?) put it up for sale on EBay with the following description: “Original c.1870 carte de visite [a type of small photograph] showing a man who looks exactly like Nick Cage. Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire... who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host”. Which is all kinds of great. Even better? Mord has valued the price of the photo at a princely $1million. And who wouldn’t want to own a picture of someone who looks like Nicolas Cage for the same amount of money it would cost to make a Tomahawk missile. Where do I sign up?

(Gee Note: Although to be fair if I was worth something ridiculous like a thousand billion dollars then I would totally buy this. Which is why the Future-Ex Mrs. Davies won’t let me go to Toys R Us by myself.)

Now a lot of folks will scoff at the idea of Nic Cage being some sort of turritopsis nutricula/human hybrid (Gee Note: The turri… turrito… jellyfish is potentially immortal. No really. Once it hits sexual maturity it can pretty much live forever as long as it’s careful and doesn’t pick a fight with a barracuda or something. Which, when you think about it, is completely insane. I mean there’s such a thing as immortal jellyfish on this Earth, creatures that can actually live forever, and people find the idea of Bigfoot absurd) but they shouldn’t really. You see the secret for ever lasting life is already out there on the world wide web.

In fact you don’t have to be a vampire, a zombie, a jellyfish, a unicorn, or any other mythical beast to live forever (Gee Note: What do you mean jellyfish are real? Those pink wobbly sumbitches? Yeah right. Pull the other one buddy. Next you’ll be telling me cushions have a soul). Nay dear reader, you simply need a Magnetic Immortality Device.

Meet Alex Chiu. According to his amazingly barmy "about me" page, Chiu was born in San Francisco in 1971. Shortly after this his parents divorced and he was sent to Taiwan where his grandparents "raised me up" (Gee Note: They raised him up so he could stand on moooooountains. They raaaaaaaised him up to walk on stormy seas. La la la la something something something. They raised him up to more than he could be). It was obviously a rather relaxed upbringing as Al cuts quite the laid back figure. Indeed about the whole Taiwanese-Chinese debate he diplomatically states. I AM NOT TAWAINESE. I AM CHINESE, and I wish China will one day take Taiwan back, peacefully or by force, at any cost! See? The man is so calm and peaceful he's like a duck pond on a sunny day.

About the state of China itself he goes on to say - Americans use books to build heaven. Chinese use books as tools to get rich quick. They laugh at you if you perceive new discoveries or ideas! Thats why they will never improve! Chinese are too practical. When you talk about investing in new technologies, Chinese would back out. They rather open a Chinese restaurant than investing in some new technology that would change the world. But realize the richest people on earth are still the most inventive people, the Americans. (Gee Note: Gosh. Well doesn't time and a global economic crisis make fools of all huh?).

Ah but Chiu is not just a wise political philosopher with a heart of stone. He is also capable of giving and receiving love. From a cat. Or as Alex puts it - One day in year 2003, this guy showed up in my back yard begging for food. He became the love of my life ever since. I open 3 cans of cat food for him every meal (Gee Note: Dude I think your cat has worms. Might want to get that looked in to), and I treat him well. If God wants me to choose between this guy or a beautiful woman like Hilary Duff, I will dump the girl and be with my cat. Which is nice. Although why God would want you to choose between Hilary Duff and a cat I have no idea. I missed the passage in the bible where it states 'Yea and The Lord spoke unto Jeremiah and said "Look pal. I can't have you running around with both a hot chick and a pet. It's making Brian the lonely giraffe jealous. So you'll have to give one up. Which will it be?" and Jeremiah replied unto Him "Hmm. OK. I choose Snuggles the Hamster over the woman". And The Lord said "Wait. What? J my homie, are you crazy??? Have you seen this woman? I spent days creating her. I'm talking like a non-stop grind you know? I mean I made the hamster out of left over rat bits and some spare cotton wool. The woman is a work of art. A masterpiece. You sure you want to throw that away?". And Jeremiah said "Yeah I'm pretty sure". And so The Lord smote Jeremiah for being stupid'.

Now on this evidence it would be easy to dismiss Alex Chiu as a self-hating Chinese crazy cat guy. But despite his personality quirks, Chiu is actually a freakin' genius in the same league as Thomas A. Edison, Nikola Tesla, and Albert Einstein (Gee Note: A point that Alex helpfully illustrates on the front page of his website). And it's all down to his patented invention, the magnetic immortality device.

That's right folks, push that old lady in front of you out of the way and step right up. For the one, the only, Alex Chiu has discovered the secret to living forever. Not only that but it turns out you can have eternal life and look fashionable at the same time. All you have to do is wear a special set of toe and finger rings each night to bed and, kablooey, you're all kinds of Jack Harkness-ing up in this hizz-ouse (Gee Note: By this I mean you're immortal, not having sex with random men who then turn out to be aliens trying to steal your blood. Although I'm not saying you can't do that as well. You wanna bang same sex, extra-terrestrial, leeches then you go right ahead. It's a free world man). According to Chiu's site:

The Eternal Life Rings and The Eternal Life Foot Braces invented by Alex Chiu are believed to allow humans to stay physically young forever or turn humans physically younger, (Our lawyer told us to use the word "believe") as long as you wear the rings or foot braces every night during sleep. (Gee Note: Tsk. Lawyers eh? Always freaking out about "You'll get sued" this and "You'll get sued" that. Why won't they just let me make stuff up to make a quick buck from gullible morons? Stupid lawyers killing my dreams). It goes on to say that these rings create a positive energy that flows through the body allowing it to heal "wounds and scars". Chui adds - The reason why healing wounds and scars of the body is the secret to eternal life is because ----cholesterol do not pile up at blood vessels that has good circulation. Cholesterol piles up at blood vessels that has bad blood circulation. And what causes bad blood circulation? Wounds and scars. (Gee Note: Alex's lawyer would like to point out that cholesterol can also be caused by eating cheeseburgers).

So, I hear you say, how do I get my hands on these fantastic rings that will allow me to live forever and go to the funerals of people I don't like and act smug? Well if you pay Alex Chui around $30 he'll send one to you. If you pay him $100 he'll send you the full immortality set. Rings, braces, special herbs, the "My girlfriend became immortal and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt, you'll get the works. But here's the thing. You don't have to give Chui a dime. Because, for all you crafters out there, the instructions to build your own death destroying device are right there on the website.

Alex recommends using "rare earth or ceramic magnets", "and plastic or plastic tape to make the rings". He also warns that we should use a compass because “if you put the rings on with the wrong polarity, you could get sick within hours!”.

Problem is I don’t have any of those things. I do however have a couple of novelty fridge magnets, some sellotape, and way too much time on hands. So here’s one I made earlier.

I’m wearing it to bed tonight. I’ll let you know if it works.

In a thousand years time. On Nicolas Cage’s talk show.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

I must break you.

Before we get going congratulations to Rob Haines and Jenny Sargent who tied the knot earlier this month. I consider myself extremely fortunate to count both as dear friends, and it was a tremendous privilege to act as Rob's best man on his special day. Also, regarding my best man's speech, I'd like to apologise to all of those in attendance. I now realise that when telling the story of Rob and the stripper with the dead horse I may have been a tad too enthusiastic in recounting the details. It was never my intention to cause any offence, or make Jenny's grandmother cry. I certainly didn’t mean to refer to the maid of honour as "that turquoise manatee". And while I'm a great believer in the old adage that it takes two to tango, I am prepared to be the bigger man and take responsibility for the fist fight with the priest as well. For this I am truly sorry and I hope my actions did not detract from what was genuinely a wonderful occasion.

Speaking of Rob, let's talk about the Yeti (Gee Note: Because you see Rob is Asian and lives on a mountain like a troll of some type. OK not really. Truth is it's late and I couldn't think of a good segue. I mean you try coming up with a link between a Sasquatch and a wedding. It's not easy). Or more accurately the hunt for a Yeti. Much like his American cousin Bigfoot, every year the Yeti attracts thousands upon thousands of people to remote locations hoping that they’ll be the one who finally proves beyond reasonable doubt that the this cryptic creature exists. And no one, not one single person, ever succeeds. At best we get a blurry video of something moving in the distance that could just as likely be a bear as it could be a Sasquatch. At worst we get a very cold camper who probably needs to have a sit down and a long think about their life. Either way it's generally speaking a huge waste of time.

Still, common sense dictates that if you’re determined to head off to the slopes with the vague intention of not dying and returning with a Man-Monkey then you’ll need to pack some useful items for the journey. (Gee Note: Net gun? Check. Regular gun? Check. Copy of well-thumbed Hairy Arctic Fat Chicks magazine to use as bait? Check). These would include a compass. And a map. And a first aid kit.

And… er… a bloody great big Russian who used to be a champion heavyweight Boxer.

Meet Nikolai Valuev. Actually you probably already know Valuev but may not recognise the name. You see Valuev usually goes by the alias of "Holy shit!!! Look at the size of that guy!!!!". At seven feet two inches tall and weighing in somewhere around twenty three stone Valuev cuts quite an imposing figure. He's a pretty handy boxer too, chalking up a professional record of 50 wins in 53 fights, 34 of those coming by way of knock out. He is a two time WBA World Heavyweight Champion and both the tallest and the heaviest title holder in boxing history. It’s like if Ivan Drago had his DNA spliced with a Dinosaur. My point is it’s a good thing Valuev became a boxer, because had he decided to become a super villain instead we’d have ended up saluting a statue of him every hour on the hour and teaching our daughters the Russian for “No sir, I think you look smashing”.

Nikolai Valuev looking downright dangerous via Wikipedia

Anyway Valuev hasn’t fought inside the squared circle since losing the WBA Heavyweight title to David Haye in November 2009. His doctor publically stated that Comrade Nikolai was in bad shape, requiring extensive surgery to correct “serious bone and joint problems”. And so at 36 years of age the Giant’s reign of terror in the ring had come to an end. Looking for something to do instead of punching dudes in the face Valuev tried his hand at acting, but soon realised that there’s a lack of demand for ogres in Hollywood.

So what does an incredibly large ex-pugilist do with all his newfound spare time? Well he could try to learn a new language perhaps, or maybe take a course on how to fly a plane (Gee Note: Me? I’d spend my time teaching a rabbit how to do sleight of hand magic. Think about it. A rabbit. Doing magic. It would turn the conjuring world on it’s freakin’ head). But then why waste time doing that junk when there’s a Yeti to be found?

Because somewhere in the wilderness of Russia a hairy hominid is rampaging around and getting up to all sorts of ape related malarkey. Specifically near the Azass Cave in Mount Shoriya. Shoriya is exactly how you'd imagine a Siberian mountain to be. Mainly big, rocky, and bloody cold. Anyway in 2009 local head of government Vladimir Tashtagol received 14 letters complaining about a furry menace larking about the mountain.  Most of these came from hunters requesting permission to shoot the poor sod should they ever cross it's path again. Rather than declare Wampa hunting season open, it instead inspired the authorities to take reports of this strange animal seriously, and a group of boffins from the local University were put together to lead an expedition in to the area in June that year. And when they returned they didn't come back empty handed. Oh no siree, they came back with a photo of something-that could possibly-if you hold it upside down-and squint your eyes-maybe-a little bit-looks like-an Abominable Snowman’s footprint. Since then there’s been an annual “Yeti Day” held in November to celebrate the shaggy wonder, where people flock from far and wide to see if they can spot the elusive beast. And to this day people still report sightings of the Yeti on a fairly regular basis.

Which is where Nikolai steps in. Apparently another expedition is heading up to the cave today to see if they can find the Yeti, and Valuev has bagged himself a spot on the trip.

Alas he isn’t too hopeful. Or at least not according to an article on the BBC website. “I’m only here for two days”, said the gigantic slugger. “And I believe that miracles only happen at Christmas time.” (Gee Note: You know that Valuev is a smart man. I mean some people would look at that quote and think it makes no sense what so f***ing ever. But not me. Sure. Miracles. If they happen at all, they only come around once a year at Christmas. It’s an accepted fact. What are you? Some kind of dumbass who thinks a miracle could happen in July or something. Pah! You are so silly. Hahahahahahahaha. You hear that? That’s the sound of Valuev and I laughing at you  fool.)

He continues “I doubt whether the yeti is going to run into the road and greet our truck with open arms” (Gee Note: Especially if you run the poor bastard over). “But I'll let you know if I see anything."

But wait, there's more. The article then goes on to say: A spokesman for the Kemerovo regional administration said that the boxer was keen to "talk to the yeti about life"

Right. Wait. What?

Nikolai wants to talk to the Yeti?

About life?

Are you... what?

Am I the only one who doesn't get this? Nikolai Valuev. The man who could probably tower over a giraffe if he tried hard enough, wants to swap stories with a Yeti? What would they even talk about?

NIKOLAI VALUEV: Comrade Yeti. I have come to talk to you about life.

YETI: Bro. Can you keep it down a bit. I’m trying to catch some z’s here. Woah. Look at the size on you buddy. Where the f*** did you come from? Did humans evolve and get bigger or something? Geez how long have I been asleep?

NV: Yeti I am the great boxer Nikolai Valuev. I have come to seek your wisdom. You may have heard of me. They called me the “Beast from The East”.

YETI: “Beast from the East” hey? That’s not bad I guess. It’s a bit generic but, you know, it could be worse. Take me for example. They call me the “Abominable Snowman”. Can you believe that shit? I mean really? I’m a six foot missing link that lives in a Goddam cave and they can’t think of anything better than “Abominable Snowman”? Not “Terror from the mountains” or the “The Monster from the dark”? It’s not difficult is it? Instead they go with Abominable Snowman. A-bom-in-able. It sounds like a toothless donkey chewing a thorn. And don’t get me started on Snowman. How am I supposed to strike fear in to hearts of people if all they think of when they hear my name is Aled Jones singing “Walking In The Air”? Man, I really hate that high pitched dickweed. You know how many jokes I had to suffer in school because of him? “Hey Yets. How you getting home today? You walking? If so I’ll let air traffic control know you’re coming”. SCREW YOU ALED JONES!!!! If I ever meet that sumbitch I’ll bite his face off.

NV: I feel your pain oh fuzzy comrade. I have made a life getting hit with great force. You have hidden yourself away from the world. We have both faced adversity in some form. We are not so different from each other.

YETI: We aren’t? No. No I guess we aren’t. You with your millions of dollars and your big house and your beautiful wife. And me, having to do poos in the freezing cold snow so as not to stink out the cave in which I sleep. We’re like peas in a pod.

Maybe it's me but, I don't know, I just don't see that going all that well. Still I hope that should this historic meeting take place then somebody catches it on film. Close up on film. That alone would make my decade.

And if not then I’m sure this expedition will still be completely worthwhile in each and every way.

Because Nikolai Valuev is there. And he’s a lot bigger than I am.