Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Bert, what utter nonsense!

A thought popped in to my head the other day (Gee Note: Surprised the bejesus out of me let me tell you. I was minding my own business watching a TV show about dogs comically falling over when suddenly, out of the blue, I’m thinking. I almost dropped my custard cream). The thought was that little Davies Jnr will never know what the world was like before the internet.

Now of course you could say that about a lot of things. Like Davies Jnr will never experience the pure brilliance of children’s television show Knightmare, which sadly shuffled off this mortal coil in 1994 (Gee Note: By the way, I know I’ve talked about it on this blog before, but if you’ve never seen an episode of Knightmare then you really do need to hunt one down straight away. Bribe officials and associate with villains if you have to. It’s that important. Sure at a base level it’s just some gameshow where you take four middle-class kids, blindfold one of them, and send him or her off to fight wizards and goblins while the other three watch on CCTV and offer advice. But it’s so much more than that. Firstly - it wasn’t until years later that I worked out that the contestants weren’t really sent to a fantasy world on the back of a dragon, and yet to this day I’m still not entirely sure how it was all put together. Did they use blue screen? Computer generated images? Magic? Seriously, not a clue. Secondly – It’s amazing how many children in the late 80’s/early 90’s had no idea how to spell SHROUD . And thirdly, Hugo Myatt who acted as the presenter/guide was quite frankly incredible. No really. You try saying shit like “Caution team. This wood elf appears to be trying to steal your meat. Maybe you could try giving him something else instead.” while dressed up like ‘Hercules: The Hobo Years’, and you see how easy it is to keep a straight face.) Neither will she know the true horror of hearing your favourite music tape getting mangled in the cassette player, and the frustration of having to spend half an hour delicately winding it back in with a pencil using all the precision of a neurosurgeon.

But with all that said the internet is the big one. Because, even if it’s only on a small scale, the internet has changed our lives. For example, two days ago I had absolutely no idea what I would write for this post (Gee Note: Which, you’re right, wouldn’t exist in the first place without the world wide web. But for arguments sake let’s just say you’ve stumbled across this in a file of papers while burgling my house, you hoodlum you). Partly due to the fact that I haven’t been feeling myself recently and so my daily routine has largely consisted of waking up, watching some telly, feeling a bit woozy, heading back to bed with a good book while waiting for the light headedness to subside, getting back out of bed, watching some telly, feeling a bit woozy, etc, etc. And partly because ever since we won an award for this blog I’ve had the fear put in to me something chronic. Honestly, a blank page on my computer screen used to be my friend. Now I swear I can feel it judging me. C’mon fat boy, it says, type out something interesting. Or funny. Entertain me you chubby idiot. Bet you can’t. Lard arse.

And then salvation arrived from three of the most unlikely sources. The first was from Neil, who sent me a link via Twitter. (Gee Note: I should point out that Neil is the type of person that everyone should want to be when they grow up. Right this very minute he’s actually sprouting a moustache for the month of November in the name of charity. No really. His upper lip is helping to fight cancer. He’s a goddam hero in his own way). As the link states, something odd has happened in the Gobi desert according to Google Maps. Namely these have popped up rather unexpectedly.






Now while to the untrained eye these may look like they were made by gigantic slugs (Gee Note: Which is actually pretty scary when you think about it. It’s only a matter of time before they make it over here. And then what? Do they even make slug pellets that big? The Ministry of Defence should be preparing for this now, before it’s too late.) they actually show what appear to be large structures in the middle of, well, absolutely nowhere. How they got there no one this side of the world seems to know, but theories are sweeping across the internet like Dick Van Dyke with a bad cockney accent. When zooming in to the images there appears to be a collection of burnt out vehicles and tracks from aeroplanes. And so this naturally led to speculation that it was a Chinese missile testing site, located as they are close to the borders of the Xinjiang and Gansu provinces. Which then led to speculation that the Chinese are planning to blow up a major American city for… er… no reason at all. Still it’s astonishing how paranoid some people can be if the Telegraph’s comments section is anything to go by. Other less discussed but just as awesome theories suggest that it was a UFO crash site or, and this is my personal favourite, that it’s the remains of an unknown civilization. Who set fire to trucks for larks I guess. (Gee Note: “And now that the age old ritual of blessing the Sun God has been completed we can finally relax. EVERYONE GRAB A TORCH AND GIVE THAT TOYOTA WHAT FOR!!!”).

The second came from Jenny, again via Twitter. (Gee Note: By the way Jenny is a tremendously talented artist who, thankfully, was too happy at the time to notice that I was Best Man at her wedding. Otherwise she probably wouldn’t be speaking to me). Jenny had stumbled across a fascinating paper published by the Feinberg School of Medicine in 2008 which went a little bit like this.

BACKGROUND:

We have seen a number of individuals who received blood-type tattoos on the left side of the chest as schoolchildren in northwest Indiana during the 1950s. 

OBJECTIVE:

To investigate the history of blood-type tattooing.

METHODS:

Historical research was conducted using newspaper and journal articles found in medical libraries, online archives, American Medical Association archives, Chicago Historical Society records, local medical society documents, in addition to personal interviews.

RESULTS:

Blood-type tattoos were used during the Cold War to enable rapid transfusions as part of a "walking blood bank" in case of atomic attack…

And that was the bit where I lost my mind.

Walking blood banks? Walking blood banks?!?! Are you f***ing kidding me?? Who in their right mind looks at the potential problems of an atomic fallout and goes “Look we're all going to be shuffling around without legs and with seven eyes but if we tattoo some children and then steal their blood when the time is right we might just make it through this”? I mean it’s this type of stuff that leads to Batman swooping in to a room and beating up a bunch of dudes wearing white coats. “I understand that we’re all concerned about the Red Menace, but using children as IV stands is wrong Doctor Strange” KER-POW. And having dealt with that he'd zip-line away, walk in to a bar in the shady part of Gotham City, and punch a communist right in the face. Because he’s Batman. And that’s how he rolls.

But just as I was geared up to a write a post about how stuff like marking children with needles and ink in the 1950’s helps fuel modern day conspiracy theories such as 9/11 being an inside job, or even the Gobi desert being a launch pad for a potential Chinese hostile take over of America (Gee Note: Although really it’s not highly likely is it? I mean since the global economic crisis China pretty much owns The States anyway), something legitimately jaw dropping caught my eye thanks to the online edition of The Daily Fail Mail.

No it wasn’t the Liz Jones article about how she stole – quite literally - sperm from her previous boyfriends without their knowledge, or how she pulled out of this years’ I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here because “I knew I couldn’t do it. Not only would I not eat an insect, I would not put one under stress either – not for any amount of cash. I’m not religious, but I admire those who adhere to Jainism: they even wear masks to avoid inhaling a bug by mistake. They are my kind of people. Higher Beings. And most definitely not celebrities.” (Gee Note: Yes. You read that right. She just called herself a Higher Being. Without even a trace amount of irony. And that’s the reason she didn’t head out to the jungle. Not because the realisation dawned on her that for histrionic nutjobs like herself “I’m a celeb” is a legendary career killer. Amazing). Nay dear reader, in fact it was something even more bizarre than that.

Meet Marta Yegorovnam. Ms Yegorovnam lives in Petrozavodsk. Now in 1977 a very famous UFO known as the Petrozavodsk jellyfish made headline news around the world when it was spotted zooming around and having a jolly good time above the western Russian city, so the area is not unaccustomed to alien related malarkey. As such the idea that a UFO actually crashed outside Marta’s summer house a couple years ago isn’t all that shocking. What is shocking is that she went outside, rummaged about in the rubble, found a dead alien, and took it back home and stuck it in the fridge. Right next to the bacon and the eggs no doubt (Gee Note: You know, just like Jeffrey Dahmer would have done). And then she kept it there for two years, until some men rocked up at her front door claiming to be from the Karelian Research Centre of the Russian Academy of Sciences and confiscated it. Here’s the DUN DUN DUNNNN bit though. Karelian Research Centre has, wait for it, no record of the body and claims not to have even heard of Marta Yegorovnam before. Thankfully Marta took some pics of Jack McMartian before he disappeared. Wanna see ‘em?






(Gee Note: Hey, I’m pretty sure I dated that girl for a while back in the late ‘90s. I kid, obviously. I couldn’t buy a date in the late ‘90s).

Now ignoring the bleedingly f***ing obvious question of “WHY WOULD YOU KEEP A FREAKIN’ DEAD ALIEN IN THE FRIDGE FOR TWO YEARS??????” it’s pretty difficult to take this story at face value (Gee Note: No. I know. I totally believed in it as well. In fact I went out and bought myself another fridge just in case a UFO crashes in my back garden. Now I’ll have to use it for beer or something. Grrr. So annoying). The reason? Well according to the Mail they got the story from the “Unexplained Mysteries website”. Presumably they mean this one. Which is great. It’s a fine site. But they themselves got the story from this website here, who claim they were sent one of the images three years ago before the others appeared on a Russian blog earlier that week. So if I’ve followed the trail correctly then the source for this news story is a blog who got it from a blog who got it from another unnamed blog written in a foreign language. Which, I don’t know, doesn’t strike me as all that convincing in regards to its authenticity.

Now the earliest post regarding this is dated November 9 2011. However, this video was posted on the November 5 2011 on YouTube with the following description.




Watch the video in full! After a description will be clean images without the text! Pensioner from Petrozavodsk, Russia, kept the alien UFO pilot in the fridge! November 3, 2011. It turns out that she had a couple of years stored in a refrigerator, frozen corpse of his apartment pilot UFOs, alien! As we told Grandma about two years ago, serene autumn night, she found in the yard of his suburban home in the village Mashezero strange Aliens, which came from the intolerable heat, lay crumpled next to a pile of metal. Shortly before it was heard a terrible roar and rumble. The creature was growing about 40 - 50 inches, with a big head, big mouth, big eyes. Clothing on that creature looked like a jumpsuit.

However, as we reported today in the Karelian Academy of Sciences, is no alien in their study does not and can not be. It seems that the famous story is repeated with a stranger Alexis, who took care of mentally incompetent grandmother from the Siberian village and then the mummy which had disappeared somewhere. Fortunately, still managed to make a couple of shots of the creature. For the first time in Karelia, we publish sensational pictures strange creature, which mysteriously fell to the pensioner from Petrozavodsk and as mysteriously disappeared. This may sound crazy, but an alien corpse was kept in a plastic bag about 2 years.

You get all that? Because, I’ll be honest with you, I have no idea what the hell this person is talking about? Who's Alexis? What does any of this have to do with their mentally incompetent grandmother? I haven’t been this confused since that episode of Lost where it turns out that God did it (Gee Note: While never actually explaining what “it” was. Lost was bullshit is what I’m saying here).

So yeah. Whatever this is, I’m convinced it’s not a real story. No one has managed to come up with a quote from Marta Yegorovnam herself. The photos don’t look particularly convincing (Gee Note: Unless you're a fan of the relatively unknown "rotten watermelons from space" theory). And I can’t find any reports of a major UFO sighting in Petrozavodsk in the past three years, especially when you consider it was alleged to have hurtled in to the ground engulfed in a big ball of flames.

Still thank God for the internet right? Because if it didn’t exist then The Daily Mail might be forced to print some actual news. Or more columns written by Liz Jones.

Which, and I think we can all agree on this, would be pretty horrible.

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