Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Kent, your nostrils are flaring...

Let’s face it. Times. They be tough. So tough in fact that the top story on the BBC website today is about how everyone is flat broke, and we’re all probably going to have sell our spare internal organs to sailors on the docks until we’re 85 just to make ends meet. In fact not a day goes by without a stark reminder that we live in a world where spare cash is scarce and the cost of living is ever increasing. (Gee Note: Today’s lesson was provided by the local supermarket, where I found myself shouting things like “£1.60!!! For some butter?? I could buy a goddam cow for that much!!”. In the end The Future Ex-Mrs. Davies had to leave me in the video game aisle because A) You can’t really buy a cow for £1.60 and B) the shelf stackers were starting to look at me funny).

As such there’s a new craze that’s sweeping the media. Newspapers and television shows are now filled with opinion pieces teaching their audience about the virtues of recycling old junk and turning it in to something useful. Presenter Kirstie Allsopp has recently launched a new programme on Channel 4 entitled Kirstie’s Handmade Britain, in which she tours the country showing how easy it is to make a hat out of an old Listerine bottle. And while all that’s going on, in the print world glossy magazines such as Pick Me Up! are offering readers a princely £25 to submit their money saving tips, offering such insights as “Re-use old net curtains to clean work surfaces” and “Instead of buying expensive wrapping paper, use pages of the kids comics instead” (Gee Note: Although, just so you know, if you come anywhere near my comic collection with a pair of scissors I WILL F***ING CUT YOU. I’m tough but fair).

It appears though that some folks may be taking the advice of using everyday objects for other purposes a little bit too far. People like Paul Moran for example.

Moran, a 30 year old native of Northern Ireland, was jailed last week for 3 months after a hearing at Enniskillen Magistrates Court. His honour Judge McFarland also ordered that Paul be placed on licence for a further twelve months upon his release. Now, technically Moran had plead guilty to arson and to endangering the lives of others after accidentally setting fire to his block of flats and causing an estimated £3000 worth of damage. But the reason the fire started in the first place was because Moran was attempting a spot of good ol’ fashioned Alchemy. Or the practice of turning items that aren’t gold in to… er… gold.

(Gee Note: Actually, before I get emails from a group of angry cloak wearing people who would probably not think twice about calling upon the Gods to curse my crops, alchemy is a philosophical tradition that deals with various different subjects. It is a lot more complex than just creating gold out of thin air. So, there we go. No need to slit that goat's throat at all now is there?).

Traditionally alchemists believe that creating a Philosopher’s Stone and then using it will somehow change base metals like lead in to precious ones. (Gee Note: You know like those toy cars that would change colour when you rubbed them with warm water. Hot Wheels I think they were called. They were pretty great to be fair. I should get me some more of those). Moran on the other hand took the novel step of skipping that bit all together and tried to create bullions without a Harry Potter prop or any lead to convert in the first place.

Instead Paul went all Rumpelstiltskin with an electric heater and…


His own faeces.

Now I’m no expert in this or any other field but I think I can see what went wrong here. You see when you heat up poo it doesn’t turn in to gold (Gee Note: Amazing right? With knowledge like this I should totally be on QI or something). Instead it just kind of melts a bit. And then probably smells quite frightful. Point is cooking turds in some ghetto level meth lab doesn’t make you rich. Or, I guess, get you many dates either.

The amazing thing about all this is that Moran could have avoided Richard Bransoning his block of flats by simply fishing around online. For on the world wide web there are more than enough crackpots concerned citizens offering advice on various ways to do alchemy related things. Hell videos such as this one even give you step by step instructions on how to make the “Elixir of life” which promises to help you levitate. Oh and walk on water. “Because” says the video’s description, “it is flowing so much light within you, you literally do not attract gravity” (Gee Note: Sure. Because that’s exactly how physics works. Anyone can float around like a freakin’ helium balloon as long as they drink some fizzy stuff first. Einstein wrote a paper on it once. He called it “The theory of special relativity in relation to being able to fly and shit”).

(Gee Note: By the way is it just me or does that guy sound like he’s doing the voice over for a blue movie, rather than a ‘how to make a potion that will give you woovy bezerk super powers’ video? “Yes. And then you dip it in to the bubbles. Nice and slow. Yeah. That’s it. Right there. Oh yeah baby.” It’s a bit creepy really.)

Another excellent resource for all things alchemy based is the “Cosmic Awareness Channellings” website. Which also has a step by step guide on creating a Philosopher’s Stone. What’s that? You want to read it?

Well ok. I mean if you insist.

This Awareness indicates that the First Matter for alchemist normally referred to as water, is that element known as urine. This Awareness indicates that the urine is taken at the time of the spring or fall, at the eclipse of the moon. This is often referred to in alchemy as the “Slaying of Diana,” Diana being the Goddess of the Moon. (Gee Note: Urine you say? Huh. Well no wonder it didn’t work. I’ve been using faeces this whole time. Tsk. It's so simple now you've explained it).

This Awareness indicates that this is to be put into a cornerless jug, in other words a jug that is bulbous in shape, without any corners, so that the urine can flow without being caught in any corners. (Gee Note: Because liquids often get stuck in corners. That’s totally how physics works. Einstein wrote a paper on it once. He called it “The Theory of special relativity in relation to liquids getting stuck in corners and f***ing shit up”. It’s one of his less well known works).

The bulbous bottle with the urine in it is kept at room temperature approximately 80 degrees, or 75 degrees, relatively warm, during that 40 days. After the 40 days, it may be capped with a cork, to continue fermentation. (Gee Note: You might also want to place it somewhere high up. Because I’m guessing that should you spill it, 39 day old wee would be nightmare to get out of the carpet).

The fermentation that occurs during the first 40 days requires that you have it somewhere that can allow for the odor to escape without offending others. (Gee Note: In other words don’t serve lemon snow cones to your guests while your urine is fermenting on the dining table. Might cause a scene).

This Awareness suggests that this may be in a garage or room or shed, someplace where it can be kept warm, such as in a bucket of sand that is on a hot water tank or some place that keeps the temperature up. A light bulb in a box, after the sand has been heated may keep the box warm enough and may keep the bulb bottle warm enough (Gee Note: Basically treat your piss like you would a tortoise. Maybe try feeding it some lettuce and giving it a name. “Splashy” perhaps. Or “Chester Wingnip Jnr”. Something like that).

This Awareness indicates that after the 40 days, the substance is corked, the cork put in and sealed with wax, dripping wax around the cork so that no air can enter or leave. (Gee Note: Why do you start your paragraphs with “This Awareness”? Is it some kind of narcissistic, referring to oneself in the third person, type of deal? If so why call yourself “This Awareness”? If it was me I’d pick something better. Like “Daddy McAwesome”. Daddy McAwesome doesn’t stand for that. Daddy McAwesome thinks you’re crazy. Daddy McAwesome will meet you for drinks later cutie, but only after Daddy McAwesome has finished saving the universe from evil space lizards).

This Awareness indicates that the temperature remains warm, but below body temperature, and time passes. After several months you will see a rainbow-like oil on top. This is referred to in the alchemical symbolism as the “Eagle’s Wing.” It is colorful in that the oil, when light strikes it, causes a rainbow effect so that there are colorful reflections on the oil that surfaces or floats to the top of the mixture. (Gee Note: Aww. It almost sounds quite pretty. If you forget for a moment that we’re TALKING ABOUT URINE HERE.)

This Awareness indicates during this time, the substance grows dark, almost black, and the Eagle’s Wing, or the oil floating on top becomes more vivid. This Awareness indicates that as the year comes to a close, the oil begins to turn red in color, a more reddish color, and eventually, near the end of the year, it should become more or less dried out as a whitish colored powder. (Gee Note: White powder? Hmm. Whatever you do keep it away from Charlie Sheen. He’s likely to snort the whole lot before attempting to mount a slot machine in Las Vegas thinking it’s a willing mate. A year’s worth of hard work cultivating your own pee undone by horny lunatic Topper Harley. Heart breaking stuff).

This Awareness indicates that the white powder is the Philosopher’s Stone, which then can become a product for creating more Philosopher’s Stone by adding more urine and simply allowing it to ferment and evaporate. Once the Philosopher’s Stone is developed, it serves as a kind of powder that can be put into the melted lead and its presence then turns that lead into gold. This Awareness indicates that entities playing with alchemy need to be extremely spiritual and avoid the greed aspects. It can turn against you. (Gee Note: Of course. It goes without saying really. I mean when I think of keeping a jar of human waste in a cupboard for a year the three words that spring to mind are “closer to God”).

So there you go. If you are determined to turn something ordinary in to gold, then there’s no need to go the faecal/electric heater route. Just follow the above instructions and you’ll be rolling around in Russian supermodels in no time. And as an added bonus you can be just as skeevy with human waste products as you want to be.

Just, try not to set fire to anything.

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