Life is a funny old thing. Or it is if you happen to be Noel Edmonds. Noel Edmonds was once the King of the airwaves here in Blighty. In fact there was a period when everything Edmonds touched turned to gold. His Saturday evening TV show "Noel's House Party" would routinely attract 18 million viewers, a number unheard of at the time. Characters he created such as "Mr. Blobby" became pop culture icons. House Party branded lunchboxes, towels, and even theme parks were sold in bucket loads to the masses. Heck so popular was our Noel that he managed to bag the Christmas number one with arguably the worst song released since… um... with the worst song ever released. No really. Take a look.
(Gee Note: Congratulations if you made it to the end of that by the way. I got about half way through before the urge to set fire to my laptop was so strong I had to walk away and make myself a cup of tea. Honestly the worst thing about this, outside of the fact that it makes pouring sulphuric acid in to your ears and plunging a scorching hot branding iron in to your eyes seem like a pleasant alternative to having to listen to the chorus, is that it got to number one in the UK singles chart not once but TWICE. No. No I am not shitting you. On two separate occasions this was deemed to be the most popular song in Britain. Now I love my country, and I'm very proud of my heritage, but I can't help but think that every once in a while Godzilla should be let loose in the Cotswolds or something just to ensure stuff like this doesn't happen.)
But then in early 1999 the wheels fell off the wagon. Viewing figures dropped, the theme parks closed, and the sales of Mr Blobby dolls came to a screeching halt. What was once deemed to be great Saturday night entertainment by the UK audience was now judged to be nothing more than cheesy, bottom of the barrel, drivel. Almost overnight Edmonds had become an embarrassment to the BBC. So much so that the decision was made to pay Noel the remainder of his contract, some £1.8 million, on the understanding that Edmonds stay at home and not appear on television until his deal expired. House Party was taken off the air, and all the rest of Edmonds' projects were cancelled. With no job, no prospect of getting a job, and the stigma of being so publically discarded by his employer of 30 years hanging over him, you could have stuck a fork in poor Noel. He was done.
Fast forward to the year 2005 and something amazing happened. So amazing it made children gasp and elder folk lower their newspapers and say things like "Gosh" and "I say". For the year 2005 was when Noel Edmonds, like a tiny bearded phoenix, climbed back to the top of the TV mountain. If by "TV mountain" you mean "fronting new Channel Four game show Deal Or No Deal" that is. Even more amazing - considering it's a programme based around being really lucky - the show was a hit, attracting around 5 million eyeballs an episode. Which was almost five times more than Channel Four executives had predicted. Of course Edmonds was over the moon, but more importantly he felt vindicated. No longer was he the punching bag of tabloid journalists and late night television exposés. He was Noel F***ing Edmonds dammit! And this time he was back and bigger than ever. Since then Deal Or No Deal has gone from strength to strength and has become one of Channel Four's most prized properties.
So how did he do it? How did a man who spent six years in the great big television wilderness bag such a lucrative role? Did he reinvent himself for a modern audience? Did his agent bust a gut to get him something, anything, that paid and he just got lucky? Did he take photos of television producers in compromising positions with farmyard animals and threaten to take them to the press?
Well, it was none of the above (Gee Note: Although pictures of producers swapping bodily fluids with pigs would certainly explain why Katie Price is still on the air). According to Edmonds he simply Cosmic Ordered himself a new show. "I said I wanted a hit show; it had to be something my girls would watch; and I wanted it by October." he told a journalist from the Observer. "I got the call about Deal or No Deal in August.". Since then Edmonds has placed six Cosmic Orders and all of them have been successful. In fact so impressed by this was he that two years ago he launched a "Cosmic Ordering" app for the iPhone.
For those not familiar with Cosmic Ordering allow me to explain. Or better yet allow the Cosmic Ordering website to explain. Because according to them…
Now it used to be case back in Robert Johnson's day that you could only get what you wanted without having to work hard for it by making a deal with the Devil. However like any open market people worked out after a while that the whole "burning in Hell for all eternity" was a major drawback with Satan's business plan (Gee Note: Could you imagine if he took it on to Dragon's Den? Duncan Bannatyne would say something like "I don't think you've really thought this through, I mean I'm looking at this and I'm thinking to myself "Who would agree to this?". I think your entire pitch is a shambles. And for that reason I'm out". And then The Devil would shoot Duncan Bannatyne with lasers from his eyes reducing him to pile of smouldering ash, the world would rejoice, and Satan having accidentally done something for the greater good for once will realise that he's nullified his entire reason for existing and cease to be. Possibly with a small puff of smoke. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that we'd all be winners here). And so instead of receiving several lifetimes’ worth of being poked in the bum by a little imp carrying a pitchfork, with Cosmic Ordering you think happy thoughts and what you want gets delivered right to you. Simple really.
"Hmm. You know I could do with a new washing machine. This one is starting to show some wear and tear. Or sure it'll wash clothes fine. But it's starting to make a cranking noise that scares the dog. I guess I could ask the universe for a new one. So tell me oh fat ginger man, how do I place my cosmic order?" I hear you cry. Well luckily there's a guide on the Cosmic Ordering website. Which I'll reprint here. Because A) I know you're very busy tending to your emotionally unstable dog and B) It'll give me an excuse to write snarky comments as we go. It’s in the form of "Seven principles" which help “ensure" the success of your order. Exciting isn't it?
If you're still unsure (Gee Note: Although after that tour de force how could you be?) then there's some testimonials on the site that might just sway you once for all. Such as:
(Gee Note: I presume her grandchildren were working down a mine but have now found employment on an oil rig. Thumbs up).
(Gee Note: Wait. What? "Despite her grades"? I'm not so sure you should be all that happy about this.)
(Gee Note: And the universe said "Dude. You think a car parking space is special? You should see this black hole I just created. Shit will blow your mind").
Sold yet? I know I am. In fact I'm placing my Cosmic Order right now. Of course I'm not going to tell you what it's for….
Oh go on then. As it's you. You see it's that time of year again when The Wales Blog Awards roll around. Now last year I entered this here web-ma-doogle in to the "Best Writing" category (Gee Note: Ironic I know) and, well, got overlooked because the entire competition is a sham! Either that or there are about a thousand better blogs in Wales than this one. Anyway this year I've entered it again. And this time I will succeed. In fact it's a lock I'll make the shortlist. Because I have something those other bloggers don't have. I have the power of the Cosmos with me,
It can't fail. Just ask TV's Noel Edmonds.