Sunday, 1 January 2012

How are you supposed to make a fish act that way?

Hello. It's the start of a New Year. And so what better way to celebrate than by looking back at some of the stories that have intrigued us over the past 12 months? Well a better way would be to watch strippers and pirates fight to the death while snorting crack cocaine off the back of an albino dolphin, but I’m not a wizard so this is what you get.

Is it a bird?




A video showing a UFO supposedly hovering over Jerusalem sent the media in to a frenzy in February. Did this mean that we were not alone in the universe after all? No. Of course it didn’t. Don’t be silly. Instead it proved that on a slow news day any old tosh will get air time.


No it’s not a f***ing bird you n00b.

In March DC Comics was forced to shut down its own message boards after an argument erupted between fans that was so vicious it threatened to destroy the universe as we know it. Apparently this “time out” was deemed necessary after an online discussion about whether Superman or The Flash would win in a foot race got out of hand. Stupid isn’t it? Everyone knows The Flash would kick Superman’s ass. And if you don’t agree I WILL KILL YOU WITH FIRE.


UFO > JFK

In April it was revealed that President John F Kennedy had requested information about the UFO phenomenon 10 days before he was assassinated, thanks to documents released by the CIA. This led to some people theorising that JFK got bumped off to stop him learning the truth about an alien cover-up. Although you would think that if that was the case then the CIA would keep quiet about it and, you know, bury the evidence. Not unleash it in to the public domain. It’s like they’re not even trying to hide it. Shameless bastards.


You should get yourself one of those.

2011 also saw a new TV show hit the airwaves in the form of The Beast Hunter. Hosted by the thinking cryptozoologist’s crumpet Pat Spain, it promised to do away with such things as “Blaire Witch style stuff”. Indeed the first episode got off to a promising start, until Pat ended up in the woods in the pitch dark freaking out at every slight rustle in the distance. Still if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.


The end is not nigh.

Harold Camping, head of the Family Radio Church, announced publically that the world would end on 21/05/11. The day in question arrived and, to the surprise of no-one save perhaps Harold himself, nothing happened. So Harold quickly went back to the drawing board and came up with 21/10/2011 as the new date of the apocalypse. When the world stubbornly continued on as normal on that date Harold, who had recently suffered a stroke, retired from his position as the head of the Family Radio Church and told a reporter that “God has not given anyone the power to know exactly when the Rapture will come”. So just so you know the morale of this story is “If Harold Camping can’t do it, no-one else can. Not even Jesus”.


I want to lick your brains.

In June it was reported the following request was sent to Leicester City Council under the Freedom of Information act


Dear Leicester City Council,

Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion? Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for.

Please provide any information you may have.

Yours faithfully,

Concerned Citizen

The council had to admit that they were unprepared should the shuffling undead rock up unannounced in the midlands. Which led to Dick Cheney warning us all that unless everyone started taking the threat of necromancy seriously then we would be leaving ourselves wide open to an attack from Al-Qaeda. Probably.


Bill Pullman gotta eat.

Torchwood made its long awaited transition to America, and then proceeded to be nonsensical and horrible for 10 episodes. In the end it turned out that the antagonist for the entire series was a giant vagina buried deep in the earth. On the flip side of the coin, Doctor Who had a cracking 6th series followed by a Christmas Special that made the giant underground vagina seem almost Shakespearean. And there’s still no word on when or even if series 7 will air. Worrying times.


Whoooooooooosh

In news that made physicists everywhere tear at their hair and weep in to their cornflakes, in September it was announced that neutrinos had been recorded travelling faster than the speed of light as part of the OPERA experiment. Scientists everywhere freaked out, largely because this would seem to contradict Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity, a cornerstone on which much of modern physics theory is based. So OPERA repeated the experiment. And got the same result. Which means the only way this could be more disheartening for scientists is if Captain James T Kirk arrived from the future and kicked them all in the nuts while laughing at them and calling them nerds.


Yeti again. 





In December rumours started to surface that a honest-to-goodness Yeti had been caught in the Russian wilderness. Alas video footage soon emerged showing what was obviously a dude in a gorilla suit. Which just goes to show that if you want your hoax to succeed, you’d be better off outsourcing the special effects to ILM or Weta. Let the professionals handle it is what I’m saying here.


In memoriam.

Jimmy Savile – Now then. Now then. Now sadly no more.

Steve Jobs – Apple CEO.

Heavy D – Rapper

Nate Dogg – Rapper

Ryan Dunn – Jackass

Peter Falk – Just one more thing.

Pete Postlethwaite – Steven Spielberg called him the best actor in the world. He wasn’t. He was better than that.

Sidney Lumet – Director

Christopher Hitchens – British journalist

Jane Russell – Actor

Elizabeth Taylor – Actor/Icon


And finally…

2011 changed my life forever. I became a father to a healthy, happy, and beautiful little girl who surprises and delights on a daily basis. And “I Saw Elvis…” also managed to scoop the coveted “Best Writing on a blog” award at the Wales Blog Awards. No really we did. And the truth is we wouldn’t have done it without the support and kindness of our readers. So, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you. You’re the best.

Wishing you a wonderful and prosperous 2012. Stay awesome.

Gareth.

3 comments:

Scumbag Sam said...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Good recap! Some great stories emerged last year, fingers crossed for some more man-in-gorilla-suit type stunts. they always amuse!

Kait said...

So glad I've come back to blogging. I've missed this blog quite a bit.

And congrats on the award!
Much deserved.

Scumbag Sam said...

dodododo... I've just tagged you in my blog... sorry! :P