Friday, 21 December 2012

I feel fine.

There's these two Mayans. One says to the other "Hey, you fancy a drink?". The other goes "I'd love to but I have to finish this calendar". So the first one says "C'mon man, it's only a calendar. It's not like it's the end of the world".

(Gee Note: BOOM!!! Yeah that’s right. Just when you thought you were safe, I’m dropping comic bombs like a muthaf***a. Y’all should be bowing down to me right now. For I am a wizard of laughter. In fact in tribal times I’d be given the title “Ol' King Funny Man”, carried around on a golden throne, and presented with Curly Wurlys on plates made from the bones of my enemies. Things were better back then is what I’m saying here).

That's right folks, we’re BAAAAACCCCKKK. For one day only I SAW ELVIS IN THE WOODS has taken off its hazmat suit and climbed out of the bunker to claim its rightful place atop of the blogsphere. Long thought dead and buried, instead it rises majestically like some sort of sexy, neurotic, tin foil hat wearing phoenix. The reason? Well, damn son, it’s the End of the World. Or at least it is according to a Mayan calendar, which predicted… something apparently. I don’t know. I tried watching a program explaining the whole thing yesterday but that episode of Futurama everyone loves came on. No, not the one with the dog. The other one.

Regardless a lot of nutbars people think the apocalypse is a-coming, so we’ve decided to do a very special live blog of the day’s events. (Gee Note: Unless of course the planet does actually explode in a fiery ball of death. In which case I’ll probably be too busy rolling around on the floor and screaming in agony to type anything.) So, with no more ado let’s get this badboy rolling.

9:02 AM. Had a dream last night that I got in to a fist fight with a giant salamander over a piece of cheese. Not sure what that means. Anyway a quick peek out of the windows shows nothing untoward going on, except that the fat guy who lives across the way appears to be standing in the street in his underwear again. No dragons, aliens, or flaming meteors in the skyline however, so I’m guessing he simply forgot to put clothes on. Either that or he knows something I don’t. TELL ME YOUR SECRETS YOU CRAZY CHUBBY BASTARD.

9:35 AM. Cup of tea made. Turned on BBC News 24 to find out that there have been absolutely no reports of giant UFOs hovering over The White House. The anchors seem to be talking about how “some superstitions believe the world will end at 11:11 am”. Which I guess is true. But some superstitions also believe rubbing a bull’s testicle on your face makes you irresistible to women. And I’m not sure you should be talking about that kind of thing on the news. After all I rubbed that ball on my face for hours and all I got was a strange rash. Stick to the facts Mr. Newsman, that’s my advice.

People who think the 21/12/2012 End of The World prediction is a load of old cobblers Part 1. 

NASA were so confident the world wouldn’t end on 21/12/2012 they released a video ten days ago entitled “Why the World Didn't End Yesterday” (Gee Note: Which was chosen over the previous working title “Nah nah-nah nah-nah naaaahhh we told you so”), meant to be viewed the day after doomsday by people who were curious to see why the planet didn’t go kablooey. And, look, they’re probably right. Judging by the lack of leviathans rising from the ocean so far today we’re probably in for a regular rainy Friday. But it does come across as a little bit arrogant. You know, like doing a victory dance before crossing the line for a touchdown. What are you NASA, some sort of showboating glory hog? Jim Brown wouldn’t have stood for this shit. Possibly. Actually I don’t really know who Jim Brown is, I just Googled “famous American football players” and his name popped up. But still, I’m almost sure Jim Brown would be furious with you NASA.

09:57 AM. Loud noise outside. Took me three minutes to work out it was just a car alarm. Thinking of taking the saucepan off my head now.

Reasons why the World ending wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. Part 1.

Giant arsehole Alex Jones (Gee Note: The conspiracy theorist. Not the woman on The One Show. Although she can f*** off too) would no longer have a platform to stand on.

While we’re on the subject of gun control, let me just say this. Dear United States of America. I love you. I really do. You gave us blues music, and cheeseburgers, and Zooey Deschanel. All of which I’m very thankful for. So I really am saying this from a place of love. Ban guns already. Just do it. Don’t think about it. Don’t discuss it. Don’t let sociopaths with vested interests bang on about the second amendment and that guns are a part of American life. And please don’t wheel out the argument that “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people”. Because the truth is that a lunatic with potato is going to do a lot less harm than a lunatic with a legally obtained firearm. Instead do the smart thing. JUST. BAN. GUNS. People will thank you for it

10:54 AM News lady just fluffed her lines and announced that we’re gearing up for the “aCOCKalypse”. (Gee Note: Pretty sure I saw that movie one time. An asteroid was on a collision course with the Earth and a group of unbelievably proportioned scientists were sent in to space to stop it. By having sex. With each other. A lot. Anyway I’ll give it one thumb up). The Beeb is pretty much convinced that if something is going to go down, it will happen at 11:11 am.

11:10 AM THIS IS IT.

11:12 AM THAT WAS IT???

11:15 AM Yep. Nothing happened. Godzilla didn’t destroy Japan. Aliens aren’t running around shooting things with lasers. It’s not even raining snakes. I’m not sure this apocalypse has got its game together to be honest.

12:22 PM Speaking of Godzilla, guess what turned up on the island of Koh Mai Pei on December 14th.

That’s right, a set of massive tracks. Which could be from a really big snake. Or from that strange motorbike thing from The Dark Knight Rises. You know, the one that has wheels as big as an articulated truck but no roof or doors, meaning it has neither the protection of a car nor the manoeuvrability of a bike. The one that for some reason is Batman’s favourite mode of transport even though he’s a bazillionaire and could probably buy sixteen thousand armoured Ferraris with the loose change in his dressing gown? The one that he uses to entice the law even though there’s nothing between his head and a storm of bullets rocketing towards him? That one. (Gee Note: Bruce Wayne is actually an idiot when you think about it).

People who think the 21/12/2012 End of The World prediction is a load of old cobblers Part 2.

The US government, who posted an item on their blog called “Scary Rumors about the World Ending in 2012 Are Just Rumors”. The best bit about this isn’t actually the content of the blog itself, but instead the comment section underneath which appears to have turned in to a three-way flame war between the religious, stoners, and the clinically insane. For example…

“Mayan's worshiped Venus, and they based their calendar off the birth of Venus.... Venus wasn't anything. Just a stupid false god that they made their stupid sacrifices to.” (Gee Note: OMG!!!! Ur rite. Sacrifices iz soooooo stoopid)

“Apocalypse, translated literally from Greek, refers to a revelation of something hidden. Perhaps it's us that will change, realizing that every human is precious, fully understanding the benefits of cooperation rather than competition.” (Gee Note: Get a job hippy!)

“I just talked to my dad and he's giving it a 50/50!” (Gee Note: Good... good for you. And him. I guess. Why are you telling us this?).

Anyway, reading this is killing time before the walls start bleeding acid.

13:30 AM Right, forget the End of the World. Somehow the BBC have seemingly dug up and reanimated the corpse of former children’s TV presenter Andy Crane, a man who found success by forming a double act with a hand puppet only to be unceremoniously dumped from said partnership when the puppet went solo (Gee Note: No really. Edd the Duck had quite the successful career back in the day. Crane on the other hand went from appearing on national television on a daily basis to asking people if they would like fries with that). Anyway he’s here to tell us all about kid’s shows being moved from BBC 1 to other channels, and sounds terribly bitter about everything. He’s probably bummed that the Mayan prophecy didn’t come true and offer him an escape from his meaningless existence. At least that’s what the sadness in his eyes seems to be saying.

Reasons why the World ending wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. Part 2.

There’s a NRA press conference later on today, where inevitably they will blame the recent Sandy Hook tragedy on anything but guns. Unicorns maybe. Or David Hasselhoff. He always looked like a shifty bugger if you ask me.

People who think the 21/12/2012 End of The World prediction is a load of old cobblers Part 3.

The Vatican. According to the Pope’s main man when it comes to spacey things, Fr. Jose Funes (Gee Note: Who may or may not kick arse for the Lord) claimed talk of doomsday was “not even worth discussing”. Writing for the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Funes stated that although there were signs that the expansion of the universe might cause some problems eventually, it wouldn’t be for billions of years and even then Christians would be alright because of the whole 'ascending to heaven provided they’d led a good and wholesome life and hadn’t stolen their neighbours livestock or something' thing. This isn’t the first time Funes has voiced his opinion on alternative matters, as in 2008 he claimed that the existence of extra-terrestrials wouldn’t contradict the Catholic church’s teachings because God was probably busy creating all kinds of wacky shit back in his youth, and going around saying otherwise was likening the supreme being to a one hit wonder. Like MARRS. Or Owen Paul, mostly famous for failing to mime properly on live lunchtime show Pebble Mill back in the 80’s.

15:24 PM Nothing is happening. Well, OK some stuff is happening, but none of it involves the magnetic poles switching or monsters or aliens or anything that’s actually interesting. The stock market is down, largely because there’s a fiscal cliff approaching in the States and Republicans and Democrats are completely incapable of governing a country without it degenerating in to some sort of playschool level spat (Gee Note: I’m pretty sure that at this point Mitch McConnell goes home every night crying because some “big kid called me turtle face again!”). Gangnam Style has had 1 Billion views online, making it the most popular video ever (Gee Note: Oh sure when PSY does it everyone goes nuts. But when I post a video on YouTube dressed in a leotard while trying to teach a horse how to do the Charleston I’m called a “weirdo”. Fickle internet audience. You make me sick). And a former weatherman is the latest British public figure to be involved in an investigation in to child sex abuse. Not a goddam apocalyptic thing in sight. Seriously at this point I’d settle for a two headed goat suddenly appearing in a field in Canada or something. But no, nothing. Not a bloody thing.

16:30 PM What the f*** was that?

OK so I just watched the NRA press conference, and I’ll be honest with you, this is a complete bag of batshit crazy. Essentially they claimed they were starting a “conversation” but refused to answer any questions, claimed that people kill people because their minds are warped by videogames and movies (Gee Note: And not by the fact that they have easy access to a weapon that’s only reason for existence is to inflict harm upon other living things. No obviously not. Tsk you and your silly ideas), and that they want an armed guard stationed at every school (Gee Note: Hell, why not arm the kids as well? I mean guns IN schools right? Nothing bad could possibly happen could it?). At a time when the world was screaming out for a humble and caring response to one of the worst events in recent memory, the NRA basically did the equivalent of the F*** You I’m An Anteater pose. Ludicrous and in the end deeply insulting, even their grand plan of stationing Rambo on the door of every school in America was ironically undermined when their own security failed to prevent two separate protestors disrupting the press conference. Maybe the world wasn’t destroyed today, but the NRA’s reputation certainly was.

17:30 PM That’s it. I’m done Gus. The world isn’t ending anytime soon. In fact the truth is nothing has really changed. We’re still here, humans that is, and we’re being as brilliant and as mental and as horrible as we always have. Thing is this blog is now a two-time apocalypse survivor and we wouldn’t have made it this far without your support.

Having said that, I feel I should let you know that it truly is time to hang up the boots once and for all. We’ve had a good run, won awards, and made some wonderful friends. During the time I’ve been posting here I’ve gone from being a fat ginger nerd desperately trying to find a hobby and avoid a nervous breakdown, to a fat ginger dad who doesn’t understand why his daughter insists on trying to hug the television. I’ve survived serious health issues, had a lovely new addition to the family, and I still haven’t watched an entire single episode of Game of Thrones despite everyone I know constantly telling me how it’s, like, the greatest thing ever. Over the past two years I’ve probably had less than four hours of rest a night thanks to a child who appears to treat sleep as their nemesis, and my temples are now so grey my hair bears a striking resemblance to a fox’s coat. But even with all that I am immensely proud of everything we’ve accomplished here, whether it’s getting a shout out from “Queen of Werewolves” Linda Godfrey, or winning a National award. And more importantly I’ve had a blast. Really I have, and if you’ve ever read even just a single word on I Saw Elvis, I just want to say thank you. It’s meant more than you can possibly imagine. I truly love you all.

Signing off.

Gareth “Gee” Davies.